Merda

xXxPerfectLiexXx, I have no chance at parental consent. And I did ask both my... parental figures? Mom and stepdad. Neither of them will let me get it done, so I'll just do it myself and hope they don't notice =) I'm wearing really small stuff until I move out though. Don't want them getting too pissed at me. Or noticing... Haha. But yeah, I will be careful =)

Ugh. I took... 40? More than that? Ibuprofen yesterday. Fuck.. I felt like I was dying yesterday. I took them after school and then I had to go to calculus. I thought I was fine. I had a bit of a stomach ache, but that wasn't really surprising. Then I fell asleep in calc. Not very surprising either. I thought I would only doze off for 5 or 10 minutes like I usually do. 15 max. Nope. I was out for almost the whole period. (Fell asleep around 4:30, class ends at 5:35 and I woke up around 5:20) Totally disoriented. Then when I went upstairs to get my parents so we could go home, I could barely walk. It was so scary. I thought I was going to pass out or die or something. Then when we got home, I felt insanely sick and I fell asleep until 7:15, when my mom yelled up the stairs that we have to leave at 7:20. I told her I would be down by then. I wasn't. 7:24 and I finally came down because she yelled at me again. Totally crashed. Barely got through my vocal lesson. Came home and could fucking swear I was dying. Sigh.

Friend woke me up by calling me around... 1? Yeah. Something like that. He made me smile, laugh. I felt alive again.

Still feel sick as fuck today.

Lesson of the day: Don't fucking overdose on shit. Even if it's just pain meds.

At least they're an amazing laxative, once you can get past the nausea and dizziness and feeling like your stomach is getting torn open from the inside and sleepiness and just being so fucking out of it.

Needles

I have a horrible fear of them. And apparently I have 5 followers? This is exciting =)

So I'm considering getting a lip piercing. Yes, this is a VERY recent (like, Sunday recent... oh wait, that's yesterday)

So....

I'm thinking something like that =)

I'm turning 17 tomorrow.

Oh, and I'm considering doing the piercing myself. It's either that or waiting until I'm 18. Ugh. That would suck!

<3

FUCK

I got to a scale. Oh fuck. OH MY FUCKING GOD. I'm disgusting. 128.4lbs. Can I shoot myself now? Please? Oh fuck....

I'm turning 17 on Tuesday. I'll be a fucking fat pig on my birthday. Oh fuck. I need to lose weight right fucking now. Mom wasn't home this morning so I had 1/3 of a cup of coffee. Black, of course. I can't eat today. Oh fuck. I need to be thin. I need to be human.

Then I need to disappear.

Make everything go away.

I won't be a bad person anymore if I'm thin.

I'm glad no one reads this blog. I would be a horrible disappointment to them if they did. Thankfully, I'm only disappointing myself and the people around me, not the lovely pro-ana world.

Oh... I should probably mention this now. When I say pro-ana/mia, I mean the whole support thing, not those wannarexics and fauxlimics. Anyone who wants an eating disorder is a fucking IDIOT.

Sigh.

I'm going to go take some ibuprofen (or something else... should probably raid the meds cabinet and see what other interesting stuff we have in there) and cut or something.

Ugh.

Je me repose

=)

It's the weekend. Everything's going to be ok.

I'm done with PT. It's absolutely nothing against the members, but the site itself is dying... I'm sure any PT-ers who read this know what I'm talking about. It's so aggravating. If they do get it fixed though, please tell me =)

Yesterday was so lovely. My mom wasn't home at the times she normally makes me eat (and my stepdad doesn't really care if I eat or not), so I got away with not eating =) And during my tutoring period, I was helping these Spanish 2 kids while speaking French with my former French teacher. It was great. The kids were like "whoa..."

XD

Nothing new really. I'm just happy =)

Ameliorer/Mejorar/To Improve

C'est juste une question d'habitude.

Apparently I can't think for myself.

I'm getting better I think.

Or my mind is taking over. The academically intelligent part of my mind.

The common sense part is still gone.

I think it might have died.

That would explain a lot.

I'm sorry.

I can't handle food.

It scares me.

She keeps yelling at me. Asking me how I can live with myself when I'm so fat.

I found a quote from an old Blogger blog I had.


"I'm trying to starve away my insanity. You can't be an insane walking skeleton."

Breaking

I have no idea what's going on. Nothing's changed. Oh God. I just need to lose weight. I'm so fat. I'm so disgustingly fat. I have to get rid of this weight. RIGHT FUCKING NOW. I have to be 66lbs. The past few days have been hell and I have no idea why.

I just keep freaking out about how much I weigh. It's not even triggered by anything. It's just this overwhelming knowledge that I weigh 500lbs and I can't figure out how the earth is supporting my weight. Today I couldn't concentrate on physics or spanish even though they're my favorite subjects.

17th birthday on Tuesday.

Can I die now?

Vegan death

Veganism is awesome. You know what's not awesome? When your sociology teacher spends a week's worth of classtimes talking about meat. Not vegetables or weird fruits or anything. Nope. Just meat. And cheese covering the meat. WHAT THE FUCK? And how do you spend a week's worth of classes talking about that??? In case you don't know, that's 5 fucking hours! In a SOCIOLOGY class. Holy shit. At least it makes me nauseated which makes me feel better about not eating. But still. Shit. This guy is crazy. Bad crazy. And very fat. He says he can't live without his daily McDonald's. Ugh. I have no idea what he's doing living in our city.

So my love life is a bit complicated. Sigh. I'm dating Spanish boy, then there's something between me and my best friend, though I'm not sure what it is, and then this other guy randomly comes back and.... shit. I think I'm in love with him, like I used to be. It's like.. everything's ok with him. He doesn't think I'm crazy because he spends half his time in mental hospitals. He's done the whole throwing up thing, though not as much as I do it. He's done the whole cutting/suicide thing. (Note: I do not actually think cutting makes you suicidal. I'm not suicidal anymore - haven't been for years - yet I'm still a cutter) I think he's perfect for me. Sigh....


Ok, on to the main purpose of this blog! Haha. Mom's still been making me eat. Ugh. Mini potatoes (thank God I'm vegan so she couldn't make me have butter/sour cream/cheese/any other horrifying thing with them. Yay for lactose intolerance!) and salad with fucking DRESSING. It was fat free dijon wasabi - 40cals a serving. Shitty thing was, I didn't see how many servings she put on there. Then she made me eat a fucking banana. And that was just today. I'm probably in the 130's by now. I really need to throw up. Like, right now.

Sigh

I need a scale

So fucking bad

<3

My best friend made that for me =) Cute, isn't it? It's a vampiric mango!

10 days

Until I turn 17 =)

Sigh. I took a few too many ibuprofen last night (20 200mg ones I think? I know it was 20) and my stomach is doing funky shit today. But that could be lack of sleep.

There's this French club thing (shut up... It's literally a requirement if you're in French V) tonight at 6:30. Some corn maze shit. Yeah, I think it's stupid too. Sadly, I mentioned it to my mom and now she expects me to go and I feel too fat to be in public. Ugh.

I cut last night. It felt so good. The sweet pain... Except then I started remembering. And I couldn't stop. Which explains the ibuprofen. I always go to pain relievers when my mind is doing crazy shit. I guess it makes sense? But then I called my boyfriend cause I got scared and he was all disappointed =( And I realize he has the most adorable Spanish accent ever. Oh... in case I haven't mentioned this before, the boyfriend (have I mentioned that I have one?) is from Spain and he moved year a few years ago, when he was 12. And he seriously has the most adorable accent ever =)

Oh now I'm all happy! <3 Love you!

Get the fuck OUT

There's a new boy. He controls my mind and it scares me. He's good at it and I let him. He's trying to get me to stop cutting. When I decide to cut, I cut. I never *don't* cut. I wanted to cut last night. He didn't let me. I didn't. I'm not sure what's going on. I think I might like it. The idea that someone could get into my mind and not hurt me is an amazing thought.

I had a vocal lesson on Tuesday. Evening, 7pm. Before that, I was hanging out with some people, including my stepbrother and his girlfriend. She's really nice. But they were all eating and I obviously wasn't. She's kinda chubby. She said "I wish I could be anorexic like you" You guys know how much I weighed recently. Well, I weigh 500lbs now. Does that really sound anorexic to you? ...Yeah it doesn't to me either. Ugh. Then my mom got all pissed off cause my hands were shaking. I don't know. I guess it was really cold or something? I'm not anorexic. I throw up too much to be anorexic. The new boy will never touch that part of my mind.

Impulse

An impulse is a change in momentum. I don't know.

Brice, haha... Yep, I can totally relate to that paranoia =)

Though for the record, in case I haven't mentioned this before, I'm more bulimic. Though that seems to be changing...

I was going to fast today. It was going really well. Totally in control. No water, I don't drink while I'm fasting. (A fasting bulimic? What next?) Then... the mother intervened. She noticed I hadn't eaten much today (...ugh...) and forced me to eat dinner. Half a bowl of this Russian vegetable soup. Ugh. 75cals max. But it took an hour to eat it. I kept crying and freaking out about how it was going to make me fat. I'm a really pathetic bulimic. I suck at binging. Haha. Oh Lord... So yeah. That sucked. Kinda scares me.

Oh and I barely sleep these days. And I'm perfectly fine with this. I think I've gone a little insane.

Love to you all <3

Explosion

Hey Brice, thanks for your comment =) Just to respond to it though, I'm already vegan. So anything I eat is already mostly plant based (we're not including the purely chemical Diet Coke/Coke Zero that I love so much). If I didn't have a morbid obsession with losing weight, I would love going to a vegan restaurant. Sadly, I do, so I'm scared of the idea.

So still no scale =/ I think I'm losing weight or doing something right at least because yesterday (haven't been out today haha) I could barely walk and I was all dizzy and shaky. Of course, I decided to go on a few-mile walk around my city anyway (and ran into a few cute boys from drumline who offered to get me coffee... poor guys got turned down though. I don't trust the calories in coffee) and I felt like I was about to pass out/throw up the whole time. Ah well. Calories were burned. It was worth it. =)

Hmm... Not much to talk about really. I hope I get a scale soon so I know my weight =/ It's killing me

Mom made some eggplant thing. She keeps trying to make me eat it. Ugh. Sorry, but I am NOT eating vegetables covered in oil and shit.

Ohhh... I has a totally unrelated story! So on Friday, my French class went to this French immersion thing at a nearby university for the whole (school) day. There's only 8 of us because it's French V (AP) and most people are too wimpy to take it. Suckers... Anyway.

When we were on the bus ride back to school (school gets out at 2:35, bus was supposed to get back at 2), Madame convinced the bus driver to stop at a fort (...yeah, that's my city's claim to fame. A fort. Aren't you jealous?) and we wandered around and scared the lady in the gift shop for 15-20 minutes. Then we got back to school and scared the French IV kids. It was great =D

<3 4 followers! Ahh thank you for making me feel loved!