Nothing More Than a Shadow: August 2011

August 30, 2011

56.5kg

Guess I'm less of a fatass now. Though still pretty fucking big.
It's weird. It's like a switch got flipped in my brain. I've gone from "omg I want to eat everything and throw it all up 500 times!" to "holy shit... I hope I don't have to eat until a week from now.."

But I was talking to this girl and she said she has all these health problems now from what she does/did. That scares me. I want to be healthy. So here's my (flexible) plan. Eat every other day. No more than 500 calories. By "eat" I mean one juice (300cals - half for breakfast, half for dinner) and one protein/energy bar of some kind (no more than 200cals, obviously, this will be lunch). The days I don't eat, I don't consume anything. I'll weigh myself every morning that I can (aka roommate isn't awake/is out). Which might not be every morning. I need to be okay with that.

At first I really didn't want to eat. But honestly the health problems thing scares me. I don't want to be sick. I don't know what I want. But it's not sickness.

I had to write about my last suicide attempt for an English paper. It made me happy. Why? Because I'm way past that now. It's like I'm free from that. It feels amazing. The conditions which caused it are completely reversed now. Everything's okay.

The past few nights I've been sleeping with this one guy. (Almost) Platonic, don't worry. I just... I don't know. I don't want to be by myself. I still don't like some of the things in my mind. Like the whole to eat or not to eat debate. I hate that. But at least the voices aren't so hateful now.

Does anyone still read this?

Any advice on the plan? It makes sense to me. I might skip the lunch/food part. Pure liquids seems nice... and that is a lot of calories...

I had a handful of strawberry candy thingies today and too much water. I threw it up immediately. I weighed myself after that. 1.5kg from the first goal weight. Which is still horribly enormous.

I'll be thin though. I promise. I have to be. <3

August 25, 2011

I think I'll weigh myself once a week. Monday mornings. That should work, right?

Sigh. I don't know.

I'm really sleepy. So are my friends. It's kinda funny. It's also funny how I refer to them for my friends even though I've known them for a week, at most. Woot.

I don't have class until 12:45pm tomorrow, so I'll just stay up later doing homework tonight...yay! Might blog again. I feel like I wanted to say something, but I forget what it was.

It's so cool to have someone here at the university who understands mia =) I mean, it's sad that other people have to deal with it, but at least I don't have to be completely alone...

Can't wait until next week!

August 24, 2011

58.2kg

Fat. I know. Whatever. I'm not sure if I should be writing this. I'm not sure if I care. It's for my sanity, you see. My psychologist told me to journal. I don't journal. So I'll blog.

I can't comment your blogs. I'm reading on Google Reader. I don't want anyone to see what exactly I'm reading. There's not really any privacy here.

I had Indian food with my friend today. For dinner. Then I went and got a Diet Snapple. 0 cals. Or so they say. I need to be thin. I'm so disgustingly fat right now.

I'm meeting that girl from PT next week I think. I'm nervous. She's gonna think I'm a fatass. I know I'm a fatass.

The enter key is weird. Like, it skips a line but it doesn't? I don't know how to explain it.

Haha I've already thrown up once here. I can do this. I'm just scared they'll smell it on my hands, my breath... that would be horrible.

Oh well. Maybe I'll be thin someday.

I don't have any way of hurting myself (easily) and I don't really want one. That's nice. I think all the walking is helpful. It doesn't give me time to be all depressed and shit. And it just makes me happy to always be doing something. I think college is going to cure me of everything. Except my desire to be thin, of course.

Except there are still those fucking memories.

That needle in my hand. For hours. I'm never ODing again. Not like I can. He asked me why I took something that would only hurt me, not something that would make me high, as I was lying in that hospital bed. He didn't understand. I'd done it before. It made everything go away. I just hadn't taken enough this time. And now I can't do it again because even taking 2 pills to make a headache go away makes me nauseated. It's just hard to swallow. I don't want to be in that kind of pain or be back in a hospital with an IV in my hand.

I said no. I hate him for thinking I meant yes.

I'll try to update soon.

I'm really sorry for not commenting your blogs =( if someone knows how to comment from Google Reader, let me know! <3

August 17, 2011

Picdrop

See? Mac users like to waste money and they're completely impractical. =)

Fail fail fail >.< ON SO MANY LEVELS.

The first graph I've seen that isn't true...

Moving in to college tomorrow. Scale is coming with me of course. Hopefully my roommate doesn't ask questions... I can hide it under my bed =)

August 16, 2011

Jenn - Sorry! Blue waffle is freaky O_O

So I'm moving into my dorm on Thursday. I'm not done packing. Not even very close. Sigh.

I saw Black Swan. Holy fuck.

My phone still doesn't work but I should have one by the end of next week. Texting buddy anyone? =)

I haven't been sleeping well. It's okay. I think I'll sleep better in college.

Feel sick right now and I still need to run to the store.

Peace xx

August 15, 2011

Commonsense: Perfection:What is it?

Interesting article =)

August 13, 2011

9 Scariest Food Facts

Posted on PT, I'm sharing it with you all =)

132.0lbs

Fat cow. Though I suppose the weight might be off since I weighed myself just now and it's...18:43... haha. But still T_T

Today I've had
-1/3rd glass of a protein smoothie thing (mom thinks I don't get enough protein) - purged
-salad (3 leaves Romaine lettuce, shredded, 10 organic cherry(? they're orange) tomatoes, little bit of Italian dressing (50 calories? 100? No idea... there was almost no dressing)
-glass of vanilla almond milk (90 calories)
-too much fucking cereal, dry -purged (fuck knows how many calories remained)
-borsht, half bowl - purged
-glass of raspberry lemonade (well, actually 2, but they were both a half glass of the lemonade, then the rest was water, so calorie-wise, it's a glass of lemonade) -had just before weighing *stupid* (50 calories)

About to go have vegan sushi with mom -_- (I'm having vegan, she's having raw fish), I'll try to purge that obviously XD

So calorie estimate for today is... 100 + 90 + 500 (estimate for cereal) + 90 + 50 = 730? Rounded up for things I didn't know...didn't count stuff that was purged immediately...So, 800 max?

What the fuck.

I thought it was more.

Like thousands.

That's what it feels like.

Listening to The Arcane Dominion by Eluveitie =)

Mom just went to the store. Fuck. She got AlmondDream ice cream, ice cream bites, tofurkey, popcorn, we already have ~~bread~~... Please don't let me b/p.... T_T Please let there be a god.

I helped my mom cut stuff for the borsht today =) It was fun. I like doing stuff like that. ~~So why do I have to eat that shit after I cut it?~~ But one of the things I cut was beets and my hands were so stained after that =) haha they're washed off now though. Still ^_^

I stole that crossing out thing from another blogger >.< I really like it...

Oh! There's a girl from PT... she goes to the same college I'm going to =) so we traded numbers (I forget if she has mine, but I have hers) and we might meet up on campus ^_^

Beautiful unbeautiful - thank you for your lovely comment =) <3 I'm sorry I can't read your blog =( apparently it has adult comment.

Fuck you, blogger T_T

Gotta say though... this lemonade? It's awesome. 50 calories per glass. But you HAVE to dilute it with water (I do 50% lemonade, 50% water) or else it's disgustingly sweet (I'm guessing... I never drink juice if I haven't mixed it with water first XD) It's called like Tropi50 I think? Something like that. Yummy

Normally I don't like these comics, but this is me when playing Pokemon... -_- LITERALLY

XD

Love you all <3 hope you're doing better than me

August 11, 2011

130.4lbs/59.1kg

I need to take a shit.

No joke.

Oh God I feel so sick. There's a lawn mower going and those always give me fucking panic attacks. Thank God for loud music. THANK FUCKING GOD FOR IT.

I met this really cute girl last night. =)

My phone died. No, like, completely. The charger port got jammed into the phone so I can't charge it (the charger can't reach the charger port) and the battery died so I'm phone-less T_T

~~~~

I don't get vegetarians.

Why be vegetarian? It doesn't really help animals that much... why not just be vegan? It's the milk/egg producing animals that are horribly abused (though the slaughterhouse animals are also abused) and anyway, dairy is bad for your bones... the animal protein takes the calcium out... Ugh.

Thanks for the comments <3

Yep it's really like that =)

Love this show <3

Oh irony >.< like he can talk

My current desktop background =) I take no credit for this

From the same site. I also take no credit for this

Made me laugh =)

PSA. If someone tells you to eat/drink something, DON'T FUCKING DO IT! <3

I got a hair cut. See the ends? It's so short! I love it <3

Sorry for being ugly T_T

Ummmm I don't know what else to say.

Love you all <3 thank you for reading my blog. Comment me if I'm not following your blog so I can follow it <3

August 10, 2011

NIMH · Most Teens with Eating Disorders Go Without Treatment

Not a great (barely article) but eh... if you're interested...

August 08, 2011

PCisms that aren't PC

August 07, 2011

One Sentence archive - story #3897

August 06, 2011

One Sentence archive - story #3384

Holy fuck.

Something to think about.

I'm supposed to be packing.

59.9kg

Let's have a pig roast for the fat pig!

Except no one will eat it cause it's so disgustingly fat.

Binged like a fucker this morning and apparently did NOT throw up enough.

What the FUCK.

Sno - ahh don't die! I wanna read your blog! Haha... where are you from? <3

I'm okay I guess.

I will be if I lose this fucking weight.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Ugh sorry for swearing so much.

I can feel my mood getting more stable though. I'm not as bitchy and shit. That's good I guess.

Sigh.

I don't know.

I need to pack. I'm working on getting my fall clothes packed right now.

Woot.

It's exciting haha.

No, really, it kind of is.

Best Of Dating Site Murderer: Pics, Videos, Links, News

Flavorwire » How to Drink Like Your Favorite Authors

#7.

Should I be worried that my favorite drink combination is vodka and Coke?

And this guy is a heroin addict?

Ugh. >.<

August 05, 2011

Holy fuck

If I hear ONE MORE FUCKING COMMENT about how much Russians suck or how I'm just a stupid Russian bitch or ANYTHING against Russians I am going to... well, I don't know yet, but it might result in me not blogging anymore (do they have internet in mental hospitals?)

Fuck.

Thank you all for your comments <3

Samzi - yay I'm so happy I made you laugh =) your comment just saved my sanity <3

Veetah - haha yes I love Ender's Game <3 ^_^

Kes - Oh God. A Christmas tree. Remind me to stay on your good side. XD But yeah, I'm living in a dorm >.<

Jenn - I'll definitely look into it =D thanks! <3

Apparently I got a new follower

Sadly, I am not deserving of this lovely new follower

I'm a fat fuck

Thank you to the person (not on Blogger, thank fucking God my sanctuary is still holy haha) who called me an "immature Russian whore" =)

Now I need a knife

Wheeeeeee

I love my bracelets

They cover the

stuff

Mhmm

Mom made me eat lunch today

At a mediterranean grill

Where you pick out the stuff and they cook it in front of you and serve it to you with your choice of noodles/rice/whatever

She made me eat the whole thing

It hurt

I didn't purge

She was paying attention

I wish I had purged

I got stickers

those letter ones

I put "Mango" on my phone

It's pretty

It makes me smile

Mom's cooking dinner downstairs... I can smell it...it makes me dizzy, makes me want to throw up

I got a pair of ballet flats yesterday, AE jeans (size 4's are a little big on me...um...I guess that's a good thing? I was too scared to try on the 2's... I'm a fucking fatass) (the dark artist ones... omg <3 if only I was thin), underwear from Victoria's Secret (had a gift card that I got for my birthday, used up the rest of that), and uh... I think that's it? Then I got a pair of basic black/white Converse today =) I was gonna get boots, but I didn't like any of the boots there and the Converse were like BUY ME BUY ME BUY ME! and I'm like "of course...I love you!"

Okay maybe I'm crazy

Then I had lunch

FUCK

I want to die

I can deal with fat comments (usually.. well, I probably say worse to myself, so I've become used to it haha), generic insults just make me laugh, but attacks on my nationality? They completely tear me apart.

And yet I'm the immature one.

Alright.

Whatever.

Get me the fuck out of here.

EDIT: I'm okay. I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay.

Parents are going out tonight. I can cry, b/p, whatever in peace. I don't need to hurt myself. I won't. Just don't make me eat. I'll be okay.

August 04, 2011

One Sentence archive - story #2464

So messed up

I should stop reading these and go to bed

One Sentence archive - story #2480

I hate some people.

But it makes me wonder.

What if the person had picked up a book on weight loss

but then they saw the recovery books

and they left the weight loss book there in favor of a recovery book?

We'll never know...

This site is like PostSecret on crack without the pretty pictures (which makes me wonder what kind of shitty crack it's on)

August 03, 2011

Surviving the World - Lesson 821 - Santa Claus

This guy? Yeah... he's a GOD.

(Mostly) clean humor. Like, 99% I'd say. HILARIOUS.

He ALWAYS cheers me up. There has never been an instance where he has not made me feel better.

I want his babies.

Like, I want to be their mother.

Not eat them or whatever.

o_O

Just threw up.

One Sentence archive - story #1152

O_O

58.8kg

Fatass

Jenn and Arya - <3 I'm sorry I can't view your blogs =( it's probably set as having adult content... GAH FUCK YOU BLOGGER!

Jenn... <3 <3 <3 marry me? Haha >.< Ender's Game rules <3

I told my boyfriend to fuck off today.

I've been really pissed off lately.

I've also been really nauseated.

I'm terrified that I'm pregnant or something. This doesn't feel normal.

But I don't know what normal is.

And I've been throwing up every day.

I don't want to be fat.

Though apparently I still am.

What the fuck.

I'll lost weight though.

I'll stop b/ping.

At least in college.

It's so easy here.

I threw up dinner last night.

I wish I had thrown up more.

Mom and I are about to go back to school shopping.

I binged this morning before my weigh in.

Didn't purge.

WHAT THE FUCK.

I hate myself.

Off topic.

Can you guys think of anything not-so-obvious that I need to get for college?

Thanks!

Day 6 - Pet Peeves

I hate people who think their country is divine and every other country is shit.

The blissfully ignorant also bother me quite a bit. You know... those people who realize they know nothing and yet they're still happy with that and they don't try to learn more? Yeah, those people.

They're/their/there, threw/through (I've seen this on a "perfectionist"'s blog. Goddamn wannarexics.), too/to/two/2. If you don't know the difference between them, just don't use them, okay? Especially if you're a native English speaker and you only know one language. Oh wait... you don't even know one language. Good job!

Ahem.

Sorry.

I tend to rant a bit.

As a reward for putting up with my ranting...

Look at it. LOOK AT IT. Okay. =)

Related to my pet peeves... =)

Okay... actually I don't mind Raven, but... eh... >.< I couldn't resist reposting this!

How things should be =)

LIES!

Answer in comments =)

Click to make bigger =)

I'm easily amused =)

****WARNING: HARRY POTTER 5 SPOILER!!!!!!!!!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!****

My Chemistry teacher did a lot of cool fire stuff on the last day of class =) it was awesome. It left a mark on the ceiling. A big black mark. Haha

Thinspo thinspo!

I might or might not be going through a Harry Potter phase

The problem? I have a Kindle. Oh fuck. =P

Comments! Please? What should I bring to college and what's your weapon in the zombie apocalypse (scroll up for rule! Haha) <3

Love you all <3 thank you for reading!

August 02, 2011

Haven't we all...

This. This is me.

Holy shit.

They're all true for me O_O I thought I was the only one who did the Disney thing!

One Sentence archive - story #1942

Sorry for posting so many of these, but they're addicting!

This reminds of me C.

I hate the Steelers now.

Just the site of their little logo or whatever makes me want to cut in a dark corner.

I hate him.

One Sentence archive - story #68

Oh My God.

I'm never having kids.

I don't want them to deal with that