My mom just flipped out cause my hands are blue. What the fuck? I dunno which part is worse.

Thanksgiving

The most terrifying word ever.

I don't even want to eat a ton and purge.

I just want to not eat.

The good thing about being 18 is that they can't control me. Not legally. Not really.

So when I get too stressed out, I can deal with it. My way.

Currently that seems to be grabbing my purse (containing wallet, cigarettes, lighter, phone) and running out the door. "I'm going on a walk/going to meet Bob/Fred/George/Amanda/whoever the fuck!"

Sitting at the kitchen table with my mom while she's stuffing carrots into the food cutter thingy...
"You don't smoke, do you?"
Thoughts flashing to the cigarette I smoked that morning.
"God no. Never, mom. Really. I don't even know how to!"
"Good."

Fuck. I won't get addicted though. Really.

I hope.

129.8 fully clothed with half a bottle of sobe lifewater zero calories in me. People above me are being loud so I cant sleep. I throw up too much. I cant remember the last time I went a day without doing it. My friend keeps caling me fat.

I hate how when I throw up, my stomach hurts for like half an hour afterwards... sigh. I wish it wouldn't. But I suppose that's the price I pay for this insanity, right?

I like Master of Puppets though. It's quite relaxing.

I think I'll go to French without my homework done. Not like she'll notice or care... Haha I love that class it's so pathetically easy.

Thanks kes <3

I'll try to do that.... though what would make me feel good (yeah right, but that's what my mind is telling me) is eating a shit-load of food and throwing it up until I'm spitting out blood. Okay ew. Fuck. Uh yeah I'm gonna go get myself another Gossip Girl book... haha.

Everones eating. 127.8lbs. Im sorry. It feels like kg. Im too fat to live. I want to throw up more and more and more until Im clean. I want to be alone forever so I can cry in peace even though I have no right to cry cause my life is perfect except Im the horrible person who hurts people. Im the fucked up one who should be removed from society cause Im so goddamn useless and meaningless and I just want out right now. I want to disappear.

I want to smile for once an go a day without feeling like shit. Is that even possible?

I hate it when people look at me in amazement when they find out Chinese is my fifth language. No, all my little linguistic accomplishments do not make me happy or successful. Success would be being happy enough with life to stop sticking my fingers down my throat. That would be heaven. That's all I really want out of life right now. How pathetic.

So I have a new blog... for my English class. Woot. Haha... probably making it on Wordpress. It's supposed to be a "site" about psychological testing on animals. Fuck me.

Oh and I have to meet a friend for dinner tomorrow. Fml.

Sigh.

Both of my biological parents contacted me in the past twelve hours or so...yay. I had ice cream with a friend last night and threw it up and then we spent an hour and a half watching Swedish Meal Time on YouTube. Talk about reverse thinspo...

Neither of my biological parents has contacted me in days. Usually my mom emails me every day. Its strange. Either something happened or theyve finally given up on me like Ive been waiting for them to do since the first time I stuck my fingers down my throat. Haha. Or maybe they found this blog and saw I gained weight and decided theyll talk to me when Im less of a failure. m.gmail.com makes me both depressed and happy. Thin by Grace Bowman is a captivating book. I wish I was a better daughter. I wish I was better.

127.4

So my kindle decided to do a software update during my Chinese class today. Not really sure of what this means. Hope it didnt get a virus...eh probably not. I bped today cause I didnt want to go out to see a movie with my friends. My roommates gone...I think I mentioned this... so Im staying up late and studying. Its nice to know I wont have to worrry about bothering anyone with the light on all night or anything. Haha. Yeah. Dunno. I feel really out of it and I want a smoke but Im too lazy to go out and get smokes. Lame I know. Time to go study I guess. Probably wont weigh .yself tomorrow. Or maybe I will to be a bitch to myself. I need a friend. I need a hug. I need to never be touvhed again. I love Wherever I May Roam by Metallica.

6k page views

Aw thanks you guys <3 I feel loved. On a proper computer now so I can actually type like a real human being... haha sorry about the kindle posts, I was a bit bored this afternoon during my psych class.

Fight Club (the book) is very therapeutic in small doses.

My roommate's leaving this weekend and I want to b/p like a bitch.

I hope I won't.

I can't believe it's Friday ^_^

<3

just noticed i got comments...thank you :) im trying to be careful with the bping but i did it again before this class im in right now...shit. im trying to stop though. really. love you guys xx

wow kindles kinda suck for typing. class is starting. gotta go

126.0. is anyone surprised im this fat? kindle blogging in class ftw

Reading Unbearable Lightness. Wow. I read like 1/5 of it during bio this morning. Supposed to be working on French homework but can't concentrate worth a fuck.

b/p-ed today. Again. Did it last night too.

126.4 this morning

Fat

So I'm wearing a dress today. And leggings and boots. It's making me a bit nervous. Haha I feel like I'm too fat for this.

I'm signed up for the same stats class as a fellow pt-er... not like I go on pt anymore, but the fact that I get to take a class with someone who gets me is... amazing. And I have to take this class asap anyway, so why not take it with someone awesome? =D

So last night I got back to the dorm around 7 and my friend's like "pizza! eat! now!" and she watched me eat 2 pieces. So I went and threw them up. Haha. Then I had a handful of skittles and threw those up while I was taking a shower.

Scale today? 126.6. I'd say that was a success, considering yesterday's weight and all.

I know, I know, probably water weight and shit... (oh crap... literally maybe o_O okay gross, moving on...)

I have Chinese in...30mins. So I'm just killing time. Yay.

But I should go... <3

So I have a French exam today... my weight is probably shit, considering I had 2 exams that I had to study like a bitch for last Friday and my study food? Caffeinated vitamin water zero and sugar. Fuck. But I'm back in control so it's all good. Or it will be. Currently? 128.6. Oh gross.... I almost ate today, but I was like "really? what the fuck will that accomplish? besides making you feel fat and miserable?" so I didn't. That was easy!

Thankfully French exams don't stress me out so I'll just sit there and laugh at the fat chick (who happens to be my friend ;-_- but she's still fat and she apparently does nothing about this, so whatever) who devours a whole container of cookies before class every day and feel all proud of myself for not having eaten all day. Haha.

Oh well. Gotta go do homework and stuff ;-_-

I suspect I might have more time/privacy to comment your blogs within the next few weeks (hopefully!) so.... yay! <3