12/26/16

I got kicked out of college.

I don't give a fuck.

No one knows.

Not even my boyfriend who I live with.

Or my cat.

I feel like I should be upset about it but I don't care. It means more time to exercise and not eat and be skinny. I'm honestly kind of happy about it, though my mom would be pissed if she found out.

12/18/16

I'm wasted about half the time now.
My psych upped my Prozac to 30mg/day.
Finals were painful.
I'm pretty sure I'm getting expelled after this semester.
I'm also pretty sure I don't give a fuck.
I just want to lose weight.

12/11/16

Got high and drunk today... oops

My boyfriend bought me a pacifier! Super excited

Meeting with my psych tomorrow. Prozac is not working well for me at all and I hope she believes me this time. I'm so done with this shit.

Boyfriend caught me making myself throw up last night. Super oops.

Pictures!

12/4/16

How the fuck is it already December??

Intake is shit. I'm gonna get 2 bags of oranges as soon as I finish my almond milk (I have one single serving box left)

I had 2 beers last night

Boyfriend and I have been fucking way more recently
It's pretty fun

11/27/16

Holy fuck I can't stop drinking. I've been consuming ridiculous amounts of alcohol the past few days. It's scaring me. I just need to stop consuming anything.


I've already decided I'm only eating one type of food per week. This week? Oranges =)

11/20/16

Got super wasted last night.

Couldn't sleep so looked up shit. Apparently antidepressants like prozac can cause alcoholism because of how they interact with the serotonin and dopamine receptors in the brain. But when I told my psych during our last meeting that I've felt the urge to drink more (I didn't mention I was drinking so much I could barely make rent), she was like "um k just don't do it". Fuck. Bitch.


I really don't want to eat ever again.

I finally got a pack of cigarettes again yesterday. Boy is not happy about it at all. Oh well.

11/13/16

I worked all day yesterday.

Somehow I've been eating like a fat pig and still losing weight. I blame my period.

I got in trouble for drinking at work Friday night. And Tuesday afternoon. Oops. I thought I was going to get fired, but then I remembered no one can replace me lmfao.

I really need to stop drinking. It's actually getting kind of scary.

11/6/16

I got absolutely wasted at a coworker's place last night. Oops. I really need to stop drinking. Like, really bad. the other night, I think it was Friday, I came home and just started sobbing and I'm not sure why but I just felt so fucking miserable.

I have a meeting with my psychiatrist tomorrow after a few of my lectures, so I guess I can bring up my concerns about my mood and stuff then? I dunno.

I'm just really fucking tired tbh

10/30/16

Huh that's an interesting way of looking at it, Bella. I guess you're right, though I still don't really like how little self-control I have around alcohol.
I kept getting shots of vodka/rum at work last night (whatever was easier to get at the time) so by the time I got home, I was pretty drunk. Ugh. This is becoming a pattern and I really wish it weren't. I don't even want alcohol anymore - I crave it.
On the positive side, food is absolutely repulsive and a waste of time. It's not even a battle anymore. I just don't want to eat.

10/23/16

I haven't wanted to self harm for the first time in 10 years. This is pretty fucking exciting. My anxiety is still through the roof though. And I  never want to eat. Honestly, the idea of eating like, 500 calories per week and throwing that up is really fucking tempting and it's taking all my self control to be like "no, you're a full time student with a job, you actually need food". Fuck.

I got absolutely shitfaced last night at work. I had a beer, sangria spiked with a shot and a half of vodka, and then I finished a bottle of vodka that had about 3-4 shots left, that my coworker helped me with a tiny bit, but not much. In my defense, it was a dare to finish that bottle. And I had fun. But the point is, I was wasted in front of my coworkers and now I'm embarrassed as hell. 

10/16/16

I'm not really feeling the urge to self harm constantly like I was. I know it's too early for the medication to be affecting me, but maybe it is? I dunno. I like it though. I thought I'd never be free of that urge to self harm, that it was something I would have to live with constantly. This is nice.
Still anxious as fuck though. I still freak out if everything isn't exactly right. (My boyfriend went grocery shopping for me last night - with a specific shopping list of course - and the store was either out of or no longer carried one of the things I wanted. I felt like my world was ending.)

I'm actually caught up on homework now. Very exciting. I can play video games today! Haha. Fuck it.
MPA is down right now so... that's freaky. Hopefully it's not permanent =/

10/9/16

I'm officially on Prozac. Fuck. I promised myself I'd never turn to psychiatric medication, but here I am.
Obviously it's not doing anything yet. They said to wait 4-6 weeks, but I'm meeting with the psych in 4 weeks (first week of November) I guess to see how I'm doing?
Still threw up on like, the second day of taking it. On purpose, obviously.
Oh well. We'll see.

10/2/16

Holy hell it's October. When did that happen? Where did September go?

My neighbors have been awful, slamming stuff around constantly and yelling. Like, late into the night and early in the morning. It's fucking shit. And as usual, I'm scared of coming home from class/work because of the bullshit I know I'll have to deal with from them. But they seem like whiny entitled cunts, so I'm sure they'll complain to the rental agency and find some reason to make me seem like the bad guy.

Anyway, since people keeping saying it, I'm going to look into getting on anti-anxiety medication.

Have you ever listened to the opening for the Elder Scrolls Online game? It's surprisingly pretty =)

9/25/16

So I went to the doctor on Tuesday. She decided to diagnose me with bulimia and strongly recommend that I take anxiety medication. Fuck no. If I was going to seek help for my supposed anxiety, it would not be by shoving a bunch of chemicals into my body and praying for the best. That's fucking stupid. I hate doctors.

Besides that I've been insanely tired, like falling asleep all the time and not having the energy for anything.

My psycho coworker is still being cunt-y as hell. Whatever.

I've been reading more blogs recently but since I'm trying to read like, everything from the beginning, I haven't actually been commenting on current posts. I will as soon as I catch up <3

9/18/16

@Bella - Thank you. I know you aren't a preachy person, don't worry <3

But quitting smoking was honestly insanely easy the first time. It was literally a matter of "nah I'm bored with this. I'd rather read a book." and giving my roommate at the time (who smoked the same brand of cigarettes) the rest of my last pack, since that was a convenient way to dispose of them. If she didn't smoke, I probably would have thrown them out.

I'm trying not to purge anymore. I'd rather eat less than worry about my boyfriend hearing me throwing up after I eat anything.

With all the overeating/food related illness out there, like diabetes, heart problems, being overweight - food is just scary.

9/12/16

I worked 8.5 hours Saturday and 5.5 yesterday.

I've been throwing up a lot, and not really eating much.

My head won't stop spinning.

I think I might start smoking again. Like, for real.

not me

9/4/16

I can't believe it's September. What in fuck.

I've been throwing up everything I eat this week, and I haven't really gone over 800 calories (if I had kept it down). So I've been super dizzy and my stomach hurts. Oh well. My right hand is all scratched up. It's making me laugh.

I lost a family member on Thursday. I found out half an hour before I had to be at work. I still went to work because no one can cover my shifts. I also worked 10:30am to about 9pm yesterday. 20 minute break. I had a panini (all veggies - I made it myself) and actually kept it down. It felt weird. I still felt dizzy all day so I guess it wasn't too much food. Hopefully. It was really busy so I was running around the entire time I was at work.

I started smoking again. Well. I'm not saying started. I have been smoking the past few days while at work. My coworker knows about what happened on Thursday and she's been dragging me out for smoke breaks and I haven't been trying to say no. But I'll quit soon. My boyfriend hates that I've been smoking, though he does understand why I've been doing it. But I don't want to lose him.

8/28/16

So. Classes started. One of my coworkers is in my evening class with me. Yay.

My cunt-y coworker who was scheduled to close Friday randomly left around 8pm (we close at 10) and was like "btw you're closing for me". And I'm like... what? Like she didn't even ask. It pissed me off so much.

So I thought I should be healthy and have a wide variety of foods. So... now I'm stuck with baby carrots with mustard and tuna (half a small can at a time) with a tiny bit of sriracha. Because nothing else seems safe. Not like I have time for much else anyway.

8/21/16

I worked 10 hours yesterday (5 of which I was alone in the kitchen... fuck) on one apple and one almond milk. 190 calories total, assuming the apple was 100, which it probably wasn't.

I feel fine.

Weird.

Classes start tomorrow. This doesn't feel real.

8/14/16

@Bella - thanks I'll look into that stuff =)

I haven't really been sleeping much recently. I'll fall asleep and then wake up because I hear a small noise (like, my ferrets getting comfortable or eating, or a car driving by. It's ridiculous), or because I had a really bad nightmare. Or because I remember something stressful (like that my neighbors are shit, or that I'm fat, or that classes start in a week).

My boyfriend just bought a bunch of junk food. What the fuck.

Except he keeps stealing my fucking baby carrots and mustard.

Fuck fuck fuck.

I still have apples and almond milk though <3

And I won't really have much time to eat during the semester between classes and work. Haha. Yes.

8/7/16

Classes start soon. The 22nd. No idea how I'm going to balance work and school. This will be the first time I'm supporting myself financially with absolutely no help from my parents. I'm scared.

@Bella - thanks for the comment, but I don't think doing it online is a viable option for me. Pretty sure the shipping would cost more than it's worth, if that makes sense? Also I get lots of fresh fruit/veggies, so can't really do it like once a month or whatever, it would have to be fairly frequently.

Ugh my boyfriend is in the kitchen eating all my safe foods. Loudly.

Why in fuck.

not me

7/31/16

Yay thank you Bella <3

I have (most of) a bag of baby carrots, mustard (yellow mustard, not that honey crap), 3/4 bag of rice cakes, 2 individual servings of chocolate coconut milk (90 calories each!), and a blueberry almond protein smoothie in my fridge.
Oh and all my boyfriend's definitely not safe foods (pizza, breadsticks, cookies, ice cream, pasta)

So I know I should go grocery shopping. But I keep putting it off. Even though I hate grocery shopping when I work later that day. And I work Wednesday-Saturday. So. Fuck.

Dinner at mother's tonight as usual.

She watches what I eat and I hate it.

Also if I turn down alcohol she'll think I'm pregnant (literally happens every time). I'll just tell her I'm trying to eat cleaner and not pollute my body with anything unhealthy. I'll still end up eating too much but I'll figure out a way to make it okay.

I can't just have a little bit of alcohol. Once I get a taste I need more. It's scary. And I crave that one little taste anyway. Which sucks because we have tons of alcohol at work.

I'm kind of scared.

But I'm resisting so that's good.

Nothing interesting here. Just trying to survive.

not me

7/24/16

I'm going to stop eating solid food. It's too stressful. It'll be gradual though. I want to be healthy. So what if my skewed idea of healthy is 250 calories worth of liquid every other day?

I've been putting honey in tea recently. Which has been.... interesting? I used to hate honey but I kind of like it now.

Is anyone still out there? Or does no one else blog anymore?

4/25/16

Finals start this week. Technically it's the last week of classes, but a lot of professors are just doing their exams now. Woot.
I'm too stressed to comprehend anything right now.

4/21/16

My therapist apparently thinks I've been through traumatic events.
Like.
Okay.
Whatever.

I just want to sleep.

4/18/16

Appointment with therapist today after class.

I can't wait until the semester ends. 2 more weeks of classes and one week of finals.
Then I'm going to stop eating.
I don't want to deal with food anymore.

4/15/16

veggie burger and steamed broccoi

sleeping kitty ^_^

view outside my bedroom window last weekend

bracelet I got in Mexico

I thought I ate a ton yesterday before work. Yet somehow I still got super dizzy at work. What the fuck.

4/12/16

So the counseling center called me and made me reschedule the appointment I didn't go to. Fuck. Guess I'm not done with therapy =/ fuck fuck fuck can't I just stop getting treated like a crazy person? Let me stick to 500 calories a day, throwing up anything that goes over that, and leave me alone damnit. I'm an adult, I can make these choices for myself.

4/8/16

@Bella - I'll post pictures when I get some transferred over to my computer =) he's a cutie


So I skipped therapy on Wednesday even though I was supposed to go. Oops. Decided I'm done with it. I'm fine. I'm a psych major. If I have to, I can fix myself.

My sore throat and cough are still very present though and it's really annoying so I might call the doctor on Monday and make an appointment. I dunno. I don't want to deal with all that but I really want to stop coughing so much. I'm just scared they'll notice that I've been purging recently. I don't want a lecture.
Also I'm too fat to deserve medical care for something as innocent as a cold (probably).

Blah.

4/5/16

Still feeling slightly sick but way better than I was.

Boyfriend and I got a cat (did I mention that? Probably) and he's been following me around and rubbing against me all morning. It's really sweet.

I have 2 exams today.

I think I'm going to stop seeing my therapist. I'm not sick. I don't need help. Just sweet starvation.

4/2/16

Still sick and I have a fucking cough that won't go away. I'm fairly sure it's not serious (not like I'd go to a doctor if it was. I don't think I could handle being weighed right now) so I'm still working.


There's this new guy in my life and I want him so fucking much but I'm in a serious relationship and we've been together for a year and I really care about him and he's fantastic in bed and an incredibly supportive boyfriend and I don't know what to do.

3/30/16

I'm sick right now. Just a cold most likely (like, 99% sure). Still sucks though. At least it's a good excuse to not eat.

My therapist wants me to get a medical checkup from a doctor because she's concerned about my health because I've been purging more. I think she's over-reacting. It's not that bad.

3/26/16

Thank you, Sam <3

To avoid purging, I'm just liquid (water/tea) fasting for the next week, except a 110 calorie breakfast bar before work. I'll definitely need that today since I'm working a double shift.

3/24/16

Purged a ton today and got dizzy at work. Boyfriend is leaving for the weekend tomorrow night. I hope I don't spend the entire weekend purging,

3/23/16

Bella and Sam, thank you for your encouraging comments.

It may be that my therapist thinks that my purging is related to my anxiety (I may have given her that impression >_<), so she thinks that dealing with the anxiety will help the purging as well.

I have no clue if it will or if I even want it to.

I realized recently that Kind breakfast bars (110 calories each), broccoli (steamed), baby carrots (cut long-ways into fourths), and thinly sliced radishes are basically my only safe foods =/ Veggie burgers and tuna make me way too anxious. They're too high calorie (yes, I know tuna has fewer calories than those Kind bars, but then I get anxious because it's an animal and ... ugh.)

Also, those sparkling ICE waters are so good <3

3/21/16

So I told my therapist today about my purging and how it seems to be getting a bit out of hand. But she's still focusing on my anxiety and how uncomfortable I am with it. She might be right, I don't know. She did say she has a plan for me and outlined it today - first, she wants me to feel like her office is a safe space for me, then she wants to help me make the rest of my life feel safe for me, and after that she wants to deal with my "emotional issues" stemming from all the bad things that have happened to me.

No clue if it'll work but we'll see. I don't think I'll be bringing up eating issues with her again. I'll just lose as much weight as possible. It's clearly not an issue.

3/20/16

I wish I could just eat normally, or really, eat at all without getting anxious. But that's not gonna happen =/ I also wish I could discuss that with my therapist but there's no way in hell I want my only coping mechanism to be taken away from me.

3/16/16

Boyfriend wanted to go to Chipotle for lunch. The second he asked me what I wanted (because there was no way I was going to communicate that to the employees myself), I ran out of the place and burst into tears.

Oops.

3/12/16

black swan in China 

university campus in China

I'm working another double shift today at work so my boyfriend is getting me a Monster Rehab <3

Apparently I'm getting trained as an opener this summer (we only have 2 right now), which means I'll be getting a key to the restaurant. O_O Kinda exciting that the owner trusts me that much! I'm done with the first part of my shift for the day today - the head chef sent me home early because she knew I was working again tonight. She's awesome to work with and it was really relaxing at work today, even though we were busy prepping loads of food (veggies mostly ^_^) for the next evening/week. Last night I got super stressed and I just kept thinking "if I was thin, the head chef (evening chef, not day chef) wouldn't be such a bitch to me and I should just never eat again" It was really upsetting =/ Like I came home in tears and binge watched Scrubs with my boyfriend.

My best friend's father passed away Thursday night and I'm not sure how to help him. 

Thank you, Sam <3 (my best friend's name is Sam O_O)

I did the quest on Destiny to become a stormcaller, which means I can kill enemies by electrocuting them and stuff. So that's pretty exciting.

3/9/16

place setting from a dinner at the university where I was studying in China 

black swan in China =)

I had a day off from work yesterday and the weather was gorgeous (it got up to 21 degrees!) so the boyfriend and I walked around for a few hours. Also, I got max level in Destiny. XD Sadly, it's supposed to rain today. But I'm working tonight anyway so that doesn't matter too much.

In the interest of being healthy, I went grocery shopping yesterday and got a bag of frozen broccoli/cauliflower, a pack of veggie burgers, a box of 100-calorie cups of Italian ice, fat free yogurt, and granola. The yogurt/granola is for work because I learned the hard way that if I don't eat, I get really sick and dizzy =/

Look at me being all grown up =P

@Aye - the gum thing is an oral fixation thing for me I think. I love minty ones especially. But candles? Yeah the food-scented ones are my weakness T_T

3/6/16

A little wooden box from home =)

I have a gum problem T_T 

And a candle problem T_T

China =)

I survived yesterday! Getting a day off today and going back to work tomorrow. Woot.

Also dinner at my mom's tonight. Kinda scary but I'm determined to be cool =P

Thank you for all your lovely comments, Sam <3