I want to die

Weight: unknown

AP exams Monday and Tuesday. We get out of school at 10:30 for them. And of course my friends are all "let's go out for lunch!" since the afternoon exams start at 12. Fuck. I don't even want to know how much I weigh. I'm terrified.

I went out to the store and got a 6-pack (oh oh I'm so hardcore! lmao) of diet coke - 144oz total of pure, caffeinated, low-calorie goodness. At 1 calorie per 8oz, it's 18 calories total =) Isn't that just so cool? It makes me happy =)

Umm..umm..I don't really know what else to talk about...

Hai.

I'll try to avoid shitty friends so I have a happy post next time =)

<3

Reverse thinspo

I'll post about how shitty of a person I am tomorrow.

For now, enjoy this lovely picture of the girl who sits next to me in one of my classes. Ah Facebook... <3

She's really sweet but...uhh...>.> Yeahh

I'll look like her soon!

60.0kg

Fuck. My. Life.


Actually fuck my fat ass. Kthxbai


Over 2k views o.O Wow....I feel special =D

I'm listening to Where Butterflies Never Die by Broken Iris. It's very relaxing =)


Yay comments, comments!

Oh God... You lovely ladies totally made me blush... and I never said that was me >.> Though it is T_T


Just Another Ordinary Girl - it was the AP Spanish exam. I have the AP physics one on Monday and AP French on Tuesday. Thanks =D

Haha I was angry in the picture...my dad spent like 5 minutes (no exaggeration!) convincing me to sit still long enough to take the picture XD

I haven't fallen in love with a girl yet...but it could easily happen =3

Haha I just told my friend I'm blogging and he's all "I WANNA READ IT!" and I'm like ....no -_-

XD

Sadly this is the friend who was about to kill himself recently =/ The one who's in love with me... Oh fuck. It's terrifying how close he always seems to be to being gone...I love him, I need him...He's honestly my best friend...

I just painted my nails Dark Room by OPI ^_^

The color, though NOT my nails. I bite my nails too much T_T I really should stop...ugh

So we did this trippy guided meditation thing in English yesterday... we had to walk through some woods and a meadow and run into a person holding a box and then you either recognized the person or not. And then there was either something in the box or not. In mine? I ran into Jesus. He was carrying a little box in the palm of his hand. There was a little bag of 5 dark-ish mint green pills in the box...In conclusion, Jesus gave me drugs.

Holy shit! I was Googling green pills, to try to provide a visual, since I had NO idea what pills are GREEN. These pills are damn close to what was in the box...

The caption under this result in Google Images? "Meizitang slimming green pills" Thank you, God! I understand what you want from me now! Haha

Yep. Even Jesus thinks I'm fat. Woot.

So I'm either lesbian or asexual...Hmm...

This one?

Or this one?

I kinda like the idea of being smarter than yeast...

Mom's gone for a month. Graduation is May 29. Let's see how much weight I can lose by then! Ugh... GO AWAY, MIA



I need to stop throwing up. 10-ish times in the past 2 days...Oh well. I've been worse. *sigh*


Love you all <3

Hey, look! Reverse thinspo!

It was a windy day...okay? Though that doesn't excuse the fat...sigh

I'll do a proper post sometime. I promise. I just feel sick and shit. Had an AP test this morning and was in the hospital for ODing Wednesday night and I'm still pissed off at myself for that. 

Thank you all for your LOVELY comments <3 I don't know what I would do without you...

Especially want to thank Kes for her comment cause seriously..it made me feel special ^_^

Amber - -hug- I'm sorry you feel like it's a sin... =/

Hm..I should probably address that, since I've gotten so many lovely comments about it...

Well, I do DEFINITELY have a crush on a girl. So I told my mom and she just kinda glared at me, called me a liar, and left it alone. I told my former best friend and he was like "I've been waiting to hear that for years....you never really liked guys" which made me really happy, cause that's exactly how I feel =) Beyond that, I don't know what's going on. But..yep...that's it so far. And no, I don't feel like it's wrong or anything. You can't control who you like. I don't want to. Yeah, there's actually something I don't want to control in my life XD 

<3

New desktop background

I know, I know, it has nothing to do with this blog...But I really love the game!

Aww ^_^

Just another ordinary girl...aw thank you <3 I love you too! And no...I haven't heard of that story o.O

Skittles - by "pure Russian" I just mean my family hasn't really mixed with non-Russians much. You know how everyone in America is like Irish/English/French/Polish/German/bunch-of-other-nationalities? My family doesn't have that mix. That's all I meant ^_^


Wow...56 followers ^_^ I feel so loved

And because the world likes screwing with my mind...
In a previous post, I mentioned thinking that I might like girls... well, this seems pretty certain now...I kind of (maybe, totally, in denial) like this girl in one of my classes and uh...yeah -_- I've also realized I don't really like guys (what the HELL? What am I smoking?? I thought these just had nicotine... T_T)
So here's the mindfuck part... One of my best friends just told me he's in love with me. I mean, I knew he loved me as a friend (don't worry, it's mutual!), but uh... >.> yeah. Sigh. He knows what's going on with the girl I like and stuff, and he knows how I feel about guys right now. I really hope he finds someone who actually likes him. Or I go back to liking guys like a good Christian girl.

On the food front...sigh. (Yeah these definitely have something besides nicotine...) I've been throwing up a ton. It's so effortless and it makes me feel so much better.

Oh and I said I'd post my weight...Ugh. Wet hair, dressed, this morning - 60.0kg. Woot I'm a fatass.

Nyeh. It'll get better. Everything will get better. <3


(Just because I don't comment doesn't mean I don't read your blog...Just saying. I promise I do read every word all you lovely ladies write!)

Aww I love you guys

No idea what the fuck my weight is, I'm sorry. But you girls are amazing ^_^ Thank you so much for the lovely comments <3

Skittles...yeah I didn't even think of that >.< I mean, I'm about as pure Russian as you can get, but I was still technically born in Asia XD (barely...right across the border haha)

Jenn - they don't have it for the Kindle T_T But maybe they will soon =D I've saved it just in case!


Recently I've been reading the Dresden Files by Jim Butcher. The books are really funny! ^_^ There was one scene in the 3rd book where the main character (a wizard who wears a long, black leather coat) and his friend (who was wearing a big white cape and carrying an enormous sword) burst into a hospital and demand where the nursery is. It really cracked me up ^_^

Guess I'm just saying hi right now...I promise I'll be better about blogging and I'll post my weight next time <3

Starve on, my dears

59.2kg

Fuck my life, kay?

First of all, I'd like to apologize for being such a fucking fatass. This will change.

Second of all, I would like to apologize for being a horrible blogger. This will also change.

And because I like reading stuff with pretty pictures, this post will have pretty pictures! Or at least pictures... =3

Thank you SO MUCH for your comments <3 You ladies make me feel alive in the most wonderful way possible.

I went to New York over spring break (last week). I think I like girls...sigh. I'm horribly inexperienced, but I kissed this girl today and...shit it was amazing. Way better than any guy, and I thought I've kissed guys who were amazing kissers.  Nyeh maybe it's just a phase, like this whole throwing up thing is just a phase?

Anyway...picture post! Warning: a LOT of pictures up ahead!

Let's start from the beginning...

I got bored making dinner/salad the other day...this is the result.

Ingredients:
few leaves of lettuce
1 red bell pepper, halved
8 baby carrots
one thingy of broccoli
one apple cut up into 10 pieces

^_^ Yeah I got a little carried away >.< Haha I didn't even eat it... Nyeh I was too full from uh...I'm not sure...water? XD

This is the stuffed animal I sleep with. His name is Togo!

This is me T_T Yeah yeah I'm hideous...moving on!

The award I got at a foreign language competition March 31st! I got first place in French! ^_^

The bottom part of the trophy we got as a team for getting first place...

My new purse! ($33, Forever21)

My ballet flats <3

Looking out over a cafe/bagel place in NYC from the second floor...I don't know why I took this pic...I was just bored...Excuse my fat legs... If you don't believe they're that fat, a later picture will prove it!

My dad's kitty ^_^ Her name's Twinkle and she LOVES to eat.

Views from my hotel window...24th floor! Nyahh I'm scared of heights!

Me..in all my fatness... at Rockefeller Plaza by the Latvia flag (I'm like...1% Latvian XD But the Russian flag was too hard to get to and we were actually on a hunt for NintendoWorld... Yeah sorry it's sideways =3

The Pikachu you see when you enter NintendoWorld!

My new babies in my purse...Pikachu and Mew <3

Just thought the bag they gave me was cool <3

A harpist in Central Park ^_^ I gave her $5 so hopefully she doesn't mind me posting such an obscure pic of her...

More Central Park pics!

A REALLY hard to find bronze turtle! It was (kinda slightly) referenced (well...the building it's next to was...) in the Dark Tower series and it's in TURTLE BAY which is where the ROSE is! Erm...yeah if you read the Dark Tower, you'll get that >.> If not, just move along ^_^

Yep we went to the UN... haha. Oh funny story! There was this really Asian looking chick with her two daughters there while I was taking this next picture and my dad and I were like...kay whatever ooo pretty pic time. And then she started speaking fluent Russian to her kids and we were like... O.o
XD

Another sideways pic...This was in Times Square at night I believe. I was just traumatized by the fact that they had an enormous FarmVille sign T_T

I got a Nintendo DS on Monday! This isn't my baby, but mine looks exactly like this...

And I got a few games for it!

Ah they're so fun! I've been promised Pokemon games by the boy so YES I will get some! Haha.

<3 Over all, it was a fun trip. I managed to survive on...

Starbucks soy lattes

Diet Dr Pepper

^_^ And a few bites of food when my dad got suspicious, but it could have been worse! 

Except then I ate yesterday -_-

But that is being fixed. God knows I threw up enough last night! Ugh my throat's been hurting all day T_T

Love you all <3

Twiggy thinspo

I think I'm in love =)

^_^

Critique this please? If this started a mini-debate of some sort, that would be lovely. I'd like to perfect this thought. No, arguments will not hurt my self-esteem as long as you don't attack me personally, so don't worry ^_^


"The desire to learn is what separates idiots from intelligent people."

130.6

Yeah I've been eating like a fucking fat bitch. Why? Fuck knows. Trust me, it's done. Thankfully I have been throwing up to the point of dizziness every day. Sure, my stomach hurts like a bitch, but who gives a fuck?


Thank you for the comments <3 I really appreciate them a lot. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And thank you to the rude commenter as well. It's great to have more motivation to slice up myself and stick my fingers down my throat! Like I need it XD


So I got an award...and nominated for it by two people. Wow. :3 Thank you <3 Haha

^_^

The Rules:

1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift

2. Share seven things about yourself.

3. Bestow this honor onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers– in no particular order– who are fantastic in some way.

4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.

So.... Thank you, anonymous and Merla! <3 You girls make me feel so loved ^_^

7 things...Hmm...Well I'm not very interesting :3 I'll try!

1. My guilty pleasure is Runescape music. Haha I don't tell anyone, but I LOVE it. It's just so...relaxing. I love the Glacialis stuff <3

2. I don't actually care about my appearance very much. I mean, sure I do the bare minimum like showering every day, brushing my hair and attempting to make it not look like shit, wearing clean clothes, etc. but I don't go out of my way to look pretty (aka no makeup, don't spend much on clothes...)

3. I have an account on HEX. I'm in Hufflepuff. I love my House <3 (HEX (click me! click me!))

4. I get weirded out if a page I'm visiting doesn't have a scroll bar on the right o.O It just really freaks me out XD

5. I like dating stoners because I love how laid back they are, it helps me relax a bit too

6. I actually don't mind school. And it's not just because it's a great, unquestionable excuse to get away from my mother. I actually enjoy some of my classes :3 Don't tell anyone! I'm a senior, I'm not supposed to care!

7. Sometimes I pick fights with people just so they'll say hurtful things and give me an excuse to cut so I don't feel as guilty about it.

10 newly discovered bloggers...Hm. In no particular order...

1. foreveryoung

2. Elly

3. Just Another Ordinary Girl (Thank you so much for the beautiful comment <3)

4. Ana (okay...not newly discovered, but I love her <3)

5. Chubby Girl

6. XxXSecretsXxX

7. PerfectOxymoron

8. Peanut

9. A Girl With Tiny Intentions

10. Sophie

NOW GO ENJOY YOUR AWARDS!

Amber...haha glad I'm not the only one who plays RS <3

So there's this guy my best friend hated. Mostly because this guy liked gay jokes a little too much. He says he's getting better, but...eh. I don't know. This guy, let's call him A (no, his name doesn't start with A. My nickname for him does. Don't worry, it's not asshole!)... well he's been trying to convince me that he loves me. Problem is, he is a jerk...but never to me. I don't know if I should trust him or not. And I feel so guilty because Sariou hated him...It's like I'm betraying him. I'm just so confused...I guess I really just want the attention.

On a happier note...I'm going to NYC for a few days over spring break =) Sadly, it's with my dad =( But I'm making him take me to the Pokemon Center! I'm so excited about that part! If anyone lives around there or is going to be there April 7-10, it would be so cool to meet another blogger. Though I don't think I know of any bloggers who live in the NYC area...Hmm...:3 Well, yeah.. 

This post has gone on long enough. Thank you for being there for me, my lovelies <3

Summon

I can summon these on Runescape now :3 Yeah I'm a nerd...sorry.

My best friend...my love... (in a totally non-sexual way, he's very gay) left last night. His parents are apparently fucking crazy (or at least his dad is) and they left today. With him. And they cut off his phone and internet. So basically, it's like the only person I can trust is dead to me. And I only got 5 minutes to say goodbye to him, through a text. He said he would miss me the most (sigh...I'd hope so, considering we're best friends), that he loves me...he said "goodbye until next time"... I'm praying there'll be a next time. We promised each other we would never forget each other...I just couldn't stop crying, I'm crying now. Somehow I got through school without crying at all, which I'm thankful for.

It just hurts so much. Whenever I smile or laugh about something, I want to go to him or text him and be like "my love! I just heard this and it made me laugh!" or if I'm sad, I could hug him, and when he was sad, I'd be there for him... It's just killing me. It's like...there's this big part of me that's missing. I've never felt like this, even with all my breakups and everything, but I guess that makes sense since I usually broke up with the guy...fuck is this like karma?

I'm scared. It's like...something in me is breaking. I don't even care anymore. Maybe it's like...fucked up senioritis (seniors being lazy as fuck and not giving a damn about school because we're in COLLEGE damnit). My left hand is all cut up on the palm and my right hand has teeth marks from when I threw up this morning before first period.


Ugh sorry about the shit post. I just don't even know...

50 followers. Wow. Thank you, guys. That means a lot, that so many people (maybe?) read what I say...fuck that really does mean a lot. I'm not sure what I would do without this blog...I'm sorry I don't update very often.


I just want to...I don't know. Sleep at least. I do sleep. Normally (for me, which is like 4-6 hours a night)...but I'm way more tired than usual. Like, barely able to keep my eyes open. I don't know what's going on, but I don't really care, because when I slip into my dreamworld, I can pretend he's still with me and everything's okay and his goodbye was just a nightmare....not real.

Fuck I miss my Sariou.

I love him with all my heart and always will.


I'll try to come up with a better post next time. I think I'll weigh myself in lbs...

Quick post

About the reverse thinspo: Yeah she may have a pretty face, but have you seen her body?

B/p-ed today. Threw up 17 times (in a row I mean), but the last 4 or so were just bits of saliva (ugh sorry TMI). Took a bath cause I felt gross and jumped on my scale. 58.6. Fuck. I know I was wet and everything, but still... fuck. I'm that girl in the reverse thinspo thing I posted. Seriously. I'm that fat. Or fatter. I don't even know anymore.

Real reason for this post...

Reverse thinspo

Couldn't resist!

58.5

My weight in kg today. I'm a fatty.

Yesterday- (weight: 58.9)
1/2 cup coffee (nothing added)
12oz diet coke
1/2 glass dark chocolate almond milk

Today-
binge/purge
But I purged... (yeah yeah redundancy... SUCK IT) so maybe it'll be ok <3 I'm not eating anything else today, maybe drinking some water

I'm kinda worried. My stomach hurts like a bitch whenever I purge. Or binge, but mostly purge. I don't care. Better than letting all that food rot inside me. Oh God it hurts though....

I have to drive to piano today. In like, 7 minutes. Fuck... This is not gonna be pretty

I fell asleep in psych today and the fat girl who sits next to me was all like "are you okay??" when I woke up. I just laughed and told her I didn't sleep last night. I did, but not very much. Fell asleep around.. 12:30ish. Woke up around 5:21 and couldn't go back to sleep, got up at 6:30 for school

Wish me luck driving... FUCK my stomach hurts like a bitch

Sorry this is such a depressing post =/