I'm going to be okay.

Thank you, PostSecret. And Bella, as always. <3

And some funny things I found on my own recently ^_^

Okay maybe not funny. Sigh.

I'm supposed to babysit on Friday. They're twins. 5 years old. I met them and they seem really sweet and calm and not all terrible and loud and insane like most kids. That's good I guess. I've never really babysat without super specific instructions though (back when I was way younger), so I have no idea what to do. o_O Advice?

At least the parents pay really well. ^_^ XD And the family is a friend of my mom's (they know me too) so... yay?

Oh and sorry about the rant earlier today... I was having a weird morning.

>_<

I won't do it again!

I'm a horrible person

Whenever I see someone in a military uniform, I get this feeling of fear and a need to hide.
The guy who took my virginity was in the military.
He said it only hurt because I was so big.
No one saw the bruises he left because it was after my trip to Europe (mom's graduation present to me) and my mom was still on the other side of the world and my stepdad was doing some awareness thing or something and we've always basically ignored each other when it's just us two.

I feel like a horrible person because everyone tells me that everyone in the military is a hero.

I wish I wasn't such a bad person.

I'm sorry for this rant.

Please feel free to ignore it.

Sigh

I got my classes scheduled.

Eek please don't stalk me! I probably should have blocked out the locations of my classes. =3

Ugh I didn't mean to leave a "lunch time" open... XD It's okay though. I can either go to the rec, creepily walk around campus (there's a cemetery in the middle of campus o_O), or play on my computer for that 50 minute break. ^_^

It's 17 credit hours and I plan to get a PT job so... I should be pretty busy next semester. ^_^

Ugh I'm gonna miss my puppy so much while I'm gone. T_T I hope my boyfriend remembers to feed her and give her water and treats. T_T

A PostSecret?

Nothing against Christians... 

Oooo...

I wrote an essay on abortion (and how I think it should be legalized, but obviously for good reasons, not just "oh I'm not going to use protection because I can always get an abortion la la la") and emailed it to my mom (I always email her essays I need printed out since I don't have to pay for it that way. I'm a cheap college student T_T). I didn't think she would read it but she did. o_O She told me she loved the way I presented my argument and she completely agrees. Ahhh it made me so happy! I was worried she would completely disagree with me. =)

^_^

I hope you have a fabulous day. <3

Happy happy happy wheeeeeeeeeeee

We just found our apartment for next year and signed the lease! We're moving in mid-August (they need time to clean it, which is really good because the current resident has an adorable kitty, and I'm allergic to cats) so... yay!!! It's soooo cute! It's an upstairs apartment, but the entrance is this little room (actually, decent-size considering it's a one-bedroom apartment and it has no apparent function) where we could put our bikes/shoes/outdoor shit. All carpeted. The room is only for us (meaning our neighbors can't get into it, since the lock to our apartment is on that door) and then there's a flight of stairs (we have downstairs neighbors) and a little hallway. From the hallway, there's a good-sized bathroom, a really big kitchen, a living room area, and a small bedroom (with a giant-ass closet o_O). And there's so many cabinets and storage space... oh my God. It's all carpeted and it's really cute and cozy. Rent is $425 + utilities. Squeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Haha and my boyfriend and I are terrible, terrible people. We bike everywhere, right? And this one car was following us (not creepily) and there was a red light which another car was stopped at. The car behind us went around us and pulled up behind the car. And we just biked past, ignoring the red light, and laughed about how lame that guy was. Dunno. Maybe you had to be there.

Squeeeee we're moving into a super cute apartment! It's an upstairs one, so we won't have loud neighbors above us. Haha I know I already mentioned this, but I'm just so excited. We may end up switching the bedroom/living area because our bed is so big, but that's fine. ^_^

Anywayy...

Haha I love Fridays. I dunno why. I have like two weeks left until finals. -_-; Then summer break! Ahhh so excited. La la la.

Life is fabulous, non?

Hehehehe XD

Oh and I'm in wait-list positin #1 for the psych class I need to take next semester, so there's a super good chance I'll get it. So...yay!

Pictures + Comment Replies (Cause I'm a comment whore... thank you for feeding my addiction!)

My puppy's a mixed breed. We're not entirely sure what she has in her... she definitely has some lab and some kind of hunting dog, though not very much of that. She's about 27lbs of pure adorable hyperness. ^_^ She just turned one year old a month ago! ^_^ And she beat parvo when she was about 7 months old. Aahh I love my baby. <3

Pictures?

Except first this adorable site! I take no credit for ANY of this.
CLICK ME!

^_^

Oh God... I think I exaggerated the fight! He's really not that bad of a guy! And I mean... well... uh... not sure how to say this, cause it's really tmi... =/ but we do that a lot in sex. Or just for really intense kisses and stuff. It's actually quite erotic during sex! The choking thing I mean. And it's always been perfectly safe (and usually at my request XD), so he's not being abusive or anything. I'm sorry to give you guys the wrong impression!

We were walking out of the library yesterday and talking about how we're so superior to meat eaters and this fat lady was glaring at us as she was throwing away a McDonald's bag XD Haha it cracked us up.

I'm semi-fasting again today. Water and this mate drink the boyfriend brought me (he works at a hippie cafe in town and they like to give him pastries and organic canned drinks - like sodas and teas, and I get free tea whenever I go there to hang out and wait for him to get off work. The owners are so sweet!). It's 56cals a serving, 2 servings per can, so if I end today on 112cals, I think that'll be good =)

Ooo and we're looking at apartments today! We were going to sign our lease earlier this week, but the rental agency people were all like... no we don't rent out places that the client hasn't seen yet, so they set up an appointment for us to see the two apartments we're considering tomorrow. Yayy! One's a one-bedroom that's bigger than our place and SUPER fucking close (we can see it from our little patch of grass haha), which would make moving really easy. The other one is a two-bedroom on a semi-major street (it's a fairly small town though, so that doesn't mean much... the street doesn't get too much traffic, so it'll be fine!). They're both pet-friendly and the two-bedroom includes free water/sewer, while the one-bedroom would require us to pay all utilities. Anywayyy... hopefully that goes well!

And I'm leaving for Riga June 3-19. Well, I guess I'll BE there on those dates, not just leaving. XD Then I'm spending another month or so in Maryland doing internships and stuff. Pretty excited! My dad is thinking about flying me to Maryland on May 17, but it might be earlier depending on when I can get up to the airport.

La la la.

How are you all? <3

Hehe derpy comic time?

Oooo and a puppy! She was sleeping in my lap yesterday, so I had to take a picture!

And the best drink of all time.... coffee! For some reason this picture got like, instantly reblogged when I posted it on Tumblr yesterday o_O Weird.

Hope you all have a lovely day! <3 You deserve it.

T_T (Rant/trigger warning. Really stupid rant warning)

Ooo... so apparently Nerds are one of those international foods! Ahaha XD I know a lot of sweets seem to be centered on certain countries. Like the British blogs I used to read, these girls would talk about all these candies and everyone else would be like "huh?" XD

Ugh the boyfriend and I had a horrible fight last night. He got home around 9 (he was at the library after work, the library closes at 8:30, he's usually done there by 7, and it's only a 10 minute ride home, if that) because apparently he was helping some friends out with a relationship fight or something. I dunno. I'm kinda tempted to believe it because it's so easy to check if it's true, I'm sure he wouldn't lie about something that dumb.

But then when he got home, he started ranting at me about how it's horrible that I don't want to have children  (because I plan to get a Ph.D. and pass the bar exam for whatever state I'm in, after law school, so there's no time for children. Also... my God, why would anyone want me to raise a child? O_O) and how we need to break up or I need to change my opinions. And I'm sitting here thinking... you've known me for like 6 or 7 years. In all those years, I have never wanted children, and you are aware of this. Why bring this up now? >_<

And I had been planning to surprise him with sex and a movie (one he wanted to watch) and telling him something I've been keeping secret for a while (because it's so embarrassing). I told him this. I told him that it really hurt that I wanted to do something nice for him (wish, yes, he didn't know about, but still...) and he just came home and had me in tears within 15 minutes. And he got all ticked off at me and was all like, well just tell me the fucking secret already. And of course I said no, because I don't particularly feel like being that vulnerable right now.

So he says, if you love me you'll tell me. And pesters me about it constantly. So I tell him. (The secret? Ugh it's really embarrassing, but it's that I want to be completely controlled by someone. I feel like it's really wrong, so I find it horrifying that it's what I want) And he just starts crying and acting like a little kid and making me feel like a horrible person.

Oh and apparently he had had a really bad day (he kinda had, but in all honesty, it wasn't that bad. He's just dramatic as fuck) and I was making it worse by being all upset and why did I have to be just a fucking bitch. I mean, I hadn't had the greatest day either, but I was still trying to be a good girlfriend. (I almost got run over by a semi on the way home from school and I made myself throw up, which was admittedly my choice, but the thoughts and internal conflict leading up to it weren't exactly fun, you know? Also, now I have this fear that I'm going to start doing that regularly again. Sigh. Sorry off topic) So then he made me feel really guilty for thinking I had a bad day.

By this time it was like midnight and I was exhausted, emotionally and physically, and I was borderline hysterical and I couldn't stop crying and panicking. So what does he do? Puts his hand around my throat to push me again the wall to "get my attention". Though later he pointed out that he actually had his hand on my jaw, so that it wouldn't actually hurt me (it didn't, it just shocked me). But it still freaked me out really bad. Then he made me cuddle him, and by this time I was a crying, shaking wreck, and he was all "I wish you weren't acting so scared of me" WELL DEAR GOD MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE USED YOUR PHYSICAL STRENGTH AGAINST ME LIKE THAT, DIPSHIT.

Point is, we're still together, I feel terrible, and I cut for the first time in a while this morning. Both before and after sleeping. Nothing too serious and I'm SERIOUSLY planning on never doing it again (how many times have I said that? But I really am getting better! Way better! This was the first relapse in ages). Ugh. I don't know. We're signing the lease for our new apartment today. Hopefully. His paycheck doesn't come in until later this week though, so we're kinda broke (not completely, but we don't have enough to pay a pet/security deposit), so hopefully the rental agency will work with us on that. I mean, we've always been good about getting our rent in right on time, and they definitely know that, so that should help.

And if we do end up breaking up, well at least I'll have had some help getting into a nicer apartment.

Optimism.

I refuse to let this get me down. I will be thin and happy and perfect and alone.

Oh did I mention that I decided to go for a Ph.D. in Psychology, a minor in Linguistics, and after the Ph.D., law school? ^_^ This makes me very happy.

On the weight loss/eating front...

EDIT:

Forgot to mention... I'm fasting today! Well, semi-fasting. I'm having some water tonight. 1) I already have dehydration issues. 2) I need water to take my birth control pill. 3) I'm really thirsty and I have no self control. T_T 

Picture Post!

New format?

I'm thinking of limiting myself to one picture for a blog post, but then doing separate posts which are just pictures. So then if you want to look at pictures, you don't feel obligated to read anything I write, and if you want to read my blog (o_O), you don't have to deal with pictures. Also, I have like, a shitload of pictures saved on my computer that I would love to share, but I think that if I tried to post them all at once, it would take forever and freeze up any computer that tried to load all of them at once. XD

Thanks for all the comments! <3 I love you guys so much. >_<

Hmmm no idea what to talk about. I think I need to cut down on the caffeine (already! dear god...) because I felt like death today. All ache-y and exhausted and shit. Probably dehydration related. Still. Ugh.

I feel like I should say other things, but I don't know what to say.

Ooo... for people who live in the States, you know Nerds? Those super sugary, colorful candy things? A big box of rainbow Nerds is only 660cals. For the whole box. And if it takes you a week to eat the whole box (which is very reasonable), then you're eating less than 110cals a day. XD Don't have just that and coffee though. Because then your stomach will hurt. Trust me. >_<

A Storm of Swords

I've been reading through the Game of Thrones series recently. Er... wait... A song of ice and fire? Hell, you know what I'm talking about. >_< They're actually really good for such popular books. Which probably makes me sound like a hipster. It's just that I love reading... but the last few books I remember becoming this viral (among people who don't read a lot) were complete shit (in my humble opinion, which I do not require others to share). I mean... ugh. I tried reading Twilight. It made me want to stab myself in the eye. 50 shades of grey? Okay... didn't actually read it, but I think that's a really good thing, because from what I've heard, it would have triggered me really bad. And it was just a terrible representation of what it was supposed to be about. Harry Potter was really good (I still love them!), but also quite over-rated. The books were good, but not as good as the worshipers make them sound. So anyway. Rant aside, I adore the Game of Thrones books. Has anyone watched the TV show? I can't decide if I want to or not... I'm afraid it might ruin the books, but on the other hand, it could make the books even better... Arghh I dunno! >_<

I had coffee for the first time in months today. And my puppy is laying next to me. ^_^ Ahh I got so shaky after like, half a cup. And then I drank a few more cups and I was like a fucking chihuahua. Have you ever looked at the word chihuahua? It's such an odd word... o_O

I like coffee. Quite a bit. God I missed it. Technically, I'm still supposed to be avoiding it, but I have completely shit self-control so... I'm going to drink all the coffee!

I think things are going to get better with my boyfriend. My best friend (who completely approves of the boyfriend) has been helping us work things out. Also, his (the boyfriend's) brother has been giving us some advice (he's older and married and gives really good advice, especially for a stoner XD). So.. I think we may be okay! We're looking into a one bedroom apartment. I hope we get it! It's $425/month, has a backyard, we have to pay the utilities, but that's fine. It's pet friendly and the pet deposit is only $100. Oh my God! The boy's co-worker lives there right now, which is how we found out about it. ^_^ And apparently it's in a really quiet area! Yayyy!

Hmm..

I went shopping with my mom yesterday. I got a dress and a XL t-shirt and a wide belt to go with it, so it's basically a cute, short dress for summer. And I got a new pair of ankle boots, because I go through boots like crazy and I have a shoe fetish. XD Oh and a cute new hippie-looking bag. I like it! ^_^

Anyone mind if I post pictures of my two favorite pairs of shoes? No? Okay. Just scroll past the next two pictures if you don't care. XD

 Excuse the fatness and ugliness in the background T_T

Look at this link? It made me happy! --> http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/02/23/40-photo-illustrated-questions/

I'm so sorry!

Posting twice in one day... D=

I skipped all my classes today because I felt absolutely terrible. I have no idea why.

But your comment made me super happy, Bella. ^_^ Thank you! <3

I've been sipping at the vodka all day, so I'm a little happy. But I'm REALLY happy that now I can make coffee! Sadly, the boy is at the library and he wants me to ride up there (it's a less than 10 minute bike ride from our apartment) and drop off some stuff that's due today. Sigh. So I probably should save the coffee for after that. And I have my super early classes tomorrow. I have to be at school by 8:30. T_T

Ah well.

Only like.. 3 more weeks left. Then exams. Then a summer of internships and Latvia and... um.. I dunno what else. o_O

BUT I WANT TO POST MORE PICTURES TOO! BECAUSE PICTURES MAKE ME HAPPY!

I take no credit for any of these. PostSecret is awesome. ^_^

Haha the boyfriend got me some chips (wtf?) before he left for work. I fed them to the dog. T_T I hope they don't make her sick. They're cheese flavored (even more wtf?) and she loves cheese so hopefully she'll be okay?

Life, The Universe, and Everything

Has anyone read the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series? The books are so odd... XD Wonderful relief from reality though. I don't think the author even knows if there's a reality in his books. o_O

My stomach hurts a lot because it's so empty. XD I survived yesterday on a few sips of Skittle-infused vodka and a handful of rainbow Nerds. Went to bed with my stomach feeling all lovely and empty. It made me so happy. ^_^

I still don't know if I want to break up with the boyfriend. I know, I have to stop ranting about this. But I have nowhere else to get my thoughts out. Sigh. It's just snuggling close to him last night (I went to bed late because I was reading blogs and looking through stuff on Tumblr, so he was already asleep because he had to get up early in the morning), I felt so happy and safe. But then during the day, our conversations usually end with me in tears and him almost texting his brother and saying that he's going back home. Ugh. I don't know what to do!

Oh and we finally replaced our coffee maker (the last one broke T_T I have no idea why it took so long to get a new one o_O) so I can have coffee again. THANK THE GODS.

Hm.

I'm happy I guess.

Pictures?

I'm not entirely sure I believe some of these... but it's still interesting.

Oh has anyone else had any experience with the new Gmail? Dear God it's so hard to send an email now. T_T I want old Gmail back!

Hope you have a lovely day!

The Born Queen

This is the last book in The Kingdoms of Thorn and Bone series by Greg Keyes. At first, I was like, these books are lame. But then I was like... oh my God I HAVE to know what's going to happen next! So now I love these books. <3

Also I'm horrible at updating my Tumblr (ugh what else is new? I suck at updating in general XD)

I had an exam today and skipped my other two classes. WHEE!!

Oh and I registered for classes for the fall semester. I'm wait-listed for one of them, but there's a really good chance I'll get into it, so I'm not too worried. ^_^ 17 credit hours, so hopefully I can get a part-time job to balance out my schedule.

I really have nothing to report... um... have some more pictures?

And some Skyrim humor because I like video games. ^_^

I'm a level 40 something Khajiit in Skyrim. I have a full set of enchanted glass armor and some awesome blades. Heehee.

-slinks away in embarrassment of nerdy outburst-

Royal Assassin

Such a wonderful book series. The Farseer trilogy. Very nice light reading. ^_^

I've decided I'm not going to eat until I weigh less than I did before the previous time I ate. Um not sure that makes sense...

Okay, say I weigh myself and I'm like 67.5kg. (I'm not anywhere near this number, but let's just pretend?) Then I eat a banana. If I want to eat again, I can't be more than 67.4kg. This way, no matter what, my weight HAS to go down. And if it's not, I'll just starve myself until it is!

I know it's unhealthy and illogical and stupid, but it seems like such a perfect, fool-proof idea.

Also, ahaha... my friends burned a Twilight book! XD Life is so fun with pyromaniac friends. They said they were saving the world. XD Yay for parks where we can burn stuff legally...

I'm in a really good mood for some reason. No idea why.

The boyfriend said he's going to stop being as needy and shit, so we'll see. If this doesn't work, I'm DEFINITELY breaking up with him. This is honestly getting ridiculous and I feel like a little 15 year old girl or something because of how immature I am about it. Argh.

HAI HOW ARE YOU?

I like pictures. Do you like pictures? I really like pictures.

And gifs.