4:08pm

That awesome moment when you're throwing up and the food starts coming out by itself without any help from you...^_^ Like, thank you, body, I'm glad we both agree on where food *doesn't* go.

Work tonight... ugh.

12/31/15

Goodbye, no longer safe food. One rice cake (35) with 1.5tsp raspberry jam (2 tbsp is 35, so total this is less than 70).
But the rice cake part freaks me out. The jam freaks me out. So, no longer safe.

Safe foods:
-half cup frozen berries with half cup fat free vanilla yogurt (mixed)
-goldfish
-veggie burger
-skittles
-monster rehab
-hot apple cider (Keurig)
-half cup chickpeas with half cup bell pepper/onion (with a dash of salt)
-quorn cutlet with half cup corn
-chai latte (Keurig)

No more than 2 of these per day.
Fuck.

not me XD

Boyfriend and I put up our Christmas decorations today. There's a lot of glitter involved. <3

12/20/15

Lunch from the other day. I only had one of the pieces of candy (they're 20 calories each!) and the chocolate bar I'm holding is something my boss's wife made for us. They're really sweet and rich, but I thought as long as I didn't have too much and just limit it to a small piece and keep my intake down for the rest of the day, I'd be fine.

Also I just really like pretty food, like the candies.

12/19/15

I'm going to try to lose 2kg for every 7 days, and if I don't meet that goal, I'll just lower my intake until I do reach it, then up it again for the next goal, if that makes sense?

I snacked at work yesterday on salmon (2 bites), 1 bite of tomato/avocado/onion mix, 1 veggie grape leaf, 2 pieces of baked zucchini, and a bite of a chocolate/caramel bar. What in fuck. No wonder I'm so fat. =( Still ate less than my coworkers (they were all eating steak by the handful and grabbing another piece of the chocolate/caramel thing whenever they walked by it), but that doesn't excuse my behavior.

not me

12/15/15

I've been reading a lot. Even though it's finals week and I should be studying. Oops. I guess it's too late to cram for finals anyway. I either know things or I don't. I can't wait until winter break. I'll be working a lot = calorie burning, but I won't have to worry about schoolwork, so I can starve away.

Summary of past few days

Dec 10
900 calories
Dec 11
820 calories
Dec 12
1 million calories
Dec 13
1 billion calories

Today
300 so far. It's 1:23pm and I have an exam in 2 hours

Blah

I've been purging again. Kinda pissed. I thought I was done with this bs but apparently not. So now I get to leave for work in a few minutes feeling like crap after throwing up spicy food. Fuck.
Hopefully it's a nice, slow day at work. Or a super busy one so the time goes by quickly. I dunno.

I texted my mom last night because my boss wanted to ask her something and she didn't reply. Still hasn't, and it's been almost 24 hours. I'm scared she's pissed at me because she found out I'm doing horribly in my classes again this semester. Oh well. Whatever. I don't care about college. I just want to starve and be thin and independent. Fuck responsibility.

12/3/15

I saw my ex on my way back from class yesterday. He was walking with some chubby chick in trashy sweatpants who I assume is the girl he's dating. I was with my boyfriend. I keep remembering it and it's making me sick. I'm surprised that they're still together. Shortly after he moved out to live with her, she sent me a message and asked me if it was normal for him to have fits of uncontrollable anger. I told her yes and encouraged her to seek help or contact the police if she felt unsafe.
But then it kept bugging me that he would happily hit me and choke me when he was stressed/had a bad day/was angry, but he wouldn't do that to someone else. Does that mean there's something so awful about me that a supposedly nice guy because violent around me?

My current boyfriend is awesome. He's cuddly and affectionate and gives me space when I need it and doesn't question my weird eating habits too closely. Mostly because he's a bit weird too. I don't think it's disordered. I think it's just the weird habits of someone who has a strange work schedule and only eats when they're hungry, which most people don't do.

12/1/15

Tea is the best <3

I had a muffin, plain rice cake, half teaspoon peanut butter, and a string cheese yesterday. Boyfriend tried to get me to have coffee (loaded with sugar and calories) but I took a few sips and put it in the fridge. I feel bad for wasting food (drink?), but that's better than taking in the 400 calories that drink probably was!

11/30/15

Picture of a meal I had once. Never again. I went grocery shopping yesterday (for 2 weeks worth of food)
-one package rice cakes (14 total) (35 calories each)
-one bag frozen peppers/onions (25 calories per cup, 4 cups in the bag!)
-pack of string cheese (60 calories each, 12 in the pack - this will probably last me like a month or more)
-veggie burgers (pack of 4, 120 calories each)
-8 fruit/nut bars. I'm taking them to work so if I need a snack, I can have one.

and I still have apples at home

Yay super healthy food =) Now my boyfriend (who lives with me) can't bitch about me not eating enough haha.

11/29/15

Meal from a few days ago. I didn't eat the carrots though. Steamed carrots aren't my thing >_<

The fasting thing was an awful fucking idea. Kept greying out at work and needing to hold on to stuff, which is not what you need when you're the only one who knows what they're doing in a busy restaurant kitchen. Ugh. Fuck. Need to re-evaluate. But I don't want to eat a lot of calories. Fuck fuck fuck. Maybe 200 calories a day? That should be enough to keep me from feeling like shit, right?

11/28/15

I've figured out what I'm doing with my diet.
Fasting for varied hours, then breaking the fast with a little bit of food, then going back to fasting. It'll be for short amounts of time, barely considered fasting, so I think I'll be okay energy-wise.

Current plan:
32 hours fasting
Apple
69 hours fasting
Cup of chickpeas
19 hours fasting
Apple
55 hours fasting
Sushi (my guilty pleasure T_T)

However, I'll be drinking as much water/tea as I want. Hydration's important, and without it I would definitely feel like absolute crap, even for that little time.

Thanksgiving

What my meals used to look like. Except I'd have 3 meals about this size every day (about 300 calories max per day) and I'd end up binging like every other day. So... not gonna happen again. Now I'm actually preparing super normal, but mini/low-cal, meals like twice a day.

Examples of prepared meals include:
-mini pizza (half an english muffin, slice of tomato, thin slice of cheese)
-rice with onion/chickpeas or steamed broccoli
-salad (lettuce, onion, tomato, veggie burger)

Or I'll have a piece of fruit (apple/orange) or instant oatmeal.


Sadly, today is Thanksgiving, which makes me anxious as fuck.
There's literally no way to keep this day low calorie, but I'm going to try my damn hardest.

I also really, really want to do a long fast. But I'm not sure how that will work with my active job and classes =/ oh well. I'll figure it out. Maybe carry an energy bar or caloric drink with me wherever I go, so if I need to break the fast a little to get some food, I can.

not me

11/25/2015

Looking all fat and shit.

I'm not going grocery shopping until this weekend and the only safe food left in my apartment is instant oatmeal (160cals, have about 5 packets left) and steamed veggies (they're frozen, come in 5lb bags, super convenient). Sadly, I also have Thanksgiving tomorrow. Fml. Since there'll be quite a few people there (my mom likes inviting other families/grad students who have no family nearby to holiday celebrations), it should be easy to just get away with picking at my food.

I'm working today, Friday, and Saturday, which should be fun. Well, not fun, but burn loads of calories. Hopefully any potential customers will be too busy doing Thanksgiving stuff with their families and won't come in to the restaurant (where I work in the kitchen.. lmao) for dinner.

not me, though I wish it was

11/24/2015

I've been going completely crazy on tea. How could I not, when I got these gorgeous tea cups (well, technically coffee cups, but who's keeping track?) from my grandmother? They used to belong to my aunt (the one who died from anorexia when I was in junior high =/) and my grandmother wanted to see them be used for once, so when everyone else in my family had turned them down (they aren't really tea-drinkers), I happily accepted and carried them by hand through airport security into the states =)

Plan for today:
Oatmeal (160)
Chips (150)
Candy (50)
Gum (15)
Fucktons of tea

Total: (I don't count tea T_T) 375

(not me)

I'm back!

I'm not sure if anyone's still around. Or if anyone will read this. But I'm back. I've been trying to get out of this toxic world of fucked up eating, but it's clearly not working, so I'm admitting defeat and going back to my old haunts (and new ones - I've also been hanging out on a site called MPA, as well as having an active Tumblr). But I miss Blogger, I miss following people and reading their stories and day-to-day challenges and thoughts. I miss the friends I've made (and lost) through blogs. I want all that back, and I will be skinny damnit. I'm an adult now (22 years old last month), so nothing will stop me.