July 09, 2017

7/9/17

Throwing up.
Blood.
It was brown.
At least I think it was blood because I hadn't eaten anything brown or even remotely close.
Lately I've just been drinking water to throw it up.
Fuck food.



I'd rather not eat than throw up blood though. And obviously eating isn't the issue, but the fact that I love the feeling of control I get when my fingers are deep in my throat.
I'm pretty sure my fingers are permanently scarred from my teeth hitting them.
The scars make me smile.

It's all about control.

July 02, 2017

7/2/17

Drank and threw up a bottle of wine for breakfast. Everything kept moving, even when I was sitting down. Nothing ever stays still. Nothing feels permanent. It feels so delicate. Like a thin ice wall about to break.

June 25, 2017

6/25/17

I throw up 2-3 times a day, including at work.
At home, with my boyfriend in the next room.
I don't even give a fuck anymore.

June 11, 2017

6/11/2017

I had oatmeal for dinner last night. 120 calories. I'm having tea for breakfast today. 5 calories, even though the box says 0. I don't trust things.

My mother is taking me, my boyfriend, and her husband out for dinner tonight. I'm absolutely terrified so I might get a few energy drinks because they'll boost my metabolism. I've only lost 0.4lbs since yesterday. Fuck.

May 21, 2017

5/21/17

I work 6 days a week, 30+ hours. I realize that's not much for most people but that's more than I can handle, especially since it's around food/alcohol.

I'm basically constantly drunk/tipsy.

I feel like I have no control over anything.