June 11, 2017

6/11/2017

I had oatmeal for dinner last night. 120 calories. I'm having tea for breakfast today. 5 calories, even though the box says 0. I don't trust things.

My mother is taking me, my boyfriend, and her husband out for dinner tonight. I'm absolutely terrified so I might get a few energy drinks because they'll boost my metabolism. I've only lost 0.4lbs since yesterday. Fuck.

May 21, 2017

5/21/17

I work 6 days a week, 30+ hours. I realize that's not much for most people but that's more than I can handle, especially since it's around food/alcohol.

I'm basically constantly drunk/tipsy.

I feel like I have no control over anything.

May 14, 2017

5/14/17

The boyfriend was out of town for mother's day weekend so last night I got absolutely fucked up on 2 bottles of wine. So I didn't sleep last night. I got like 2-3 hours of sleep after 7am. I don't remember how much since I kept waking up.

I've been throwing up a lot too. Half on purpose, half not. I just can't stand having anything inside me.

And I've been taking my valium like, randomly, just because I feel like it. I told my boyfriend I flushed it down the toilet. It's hiding with my feminine hygiene products, wrapped up in paper.

I don't know what's going on anymore but I think I clearly need help. I just don't have time, with work and shit, to find a therapist. 

April 16, 2017

4/16/17

So I broke my tooth while wasted beyond all belief on Valentine's Day. Not sure if I mentioned this.
Ever since then, due to the dental procedures involved in fixing my teeth, I haven't been able to make myself sick.

This is literally killing me. Like, I've been making myself throw up multiple times a day (with a few exceptions, like when I stupidly tried "recovery") since I was in my early teens. So to not be able to do that all of a sudden is literally pure torture.

And apparently I don't know how to eat without being able to throw up. So I've gained like 10lbs. Guess who is freaking the fuck out.

I'm terrified.

I don't know what's going to happen to my mental health before May 2, which is when I get my permanent crowns and can hopefully go back to throwing up everything.