January 29, 2012

Day 8

I got Tabasco =) Very happy about that.

Also decided that breakfast = metabolism boost = wonderful idea. So I got a box of those Special K 90cal bars. 90's okay, yeah? =)

Day 8 - A place you've traveled to and where you would like to travel

I've been to... well, a lot of places. But I'll put Venice because for some reason I keep remembering it. =) It's gorgeous. <3

I'd like to go everywhere! Current goal is to go to China to practice my Chinese!

Don't really know what to say. Still terrified of stepping on my scale.


I have a new follower. Um... comment with your blog address so I can follow you? =)

January 27, 2012


That was my last weigh in a few days ago.

Dunno what I am now.

I'm not sure if I've gained or lost and I'm not sure I want to find out.

I'm scared that I'm developing a nicotine addiction. I pray I'm not. I don't want to be addicted.

I've thrown up too many times recently. But at least I'm good at it. It's nice to know I'm good at something.

Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana.

I love the game Chrono Trigger. It's quite addicting. Square Enix has my soul. <3

I wish I could say something interesting.

My arm is completely covered in cuts.

Ah fuck.

They go above my elbow and onto my hand.

Kinda hurts. But at least it's something.

Just smoked a cigarette and now I feel more alive than I have all day.

What the fuck?

I'm scared. I can't deal with shit anymore. The slightest annoyance has me diving for my knife or my cigarettes. More often the cigs recently. I really can't tell if this is a good thing or not.

Tatu! - Nas ne Dogonyat (They won't catch us, or something to that effect)

I had a Chinese exam today. I think I did well. Sometimes I worry that Chinese is the only class I care about. Haha. Oh well.

Bipolar girl and I are completely over. I've moved on. There's a cute girl in my linguistics class. =) Someone could probably say she looks kinda, chubby... but I think she's perfect. =) And she's very cute. So... yes. I do have a love interest. Haha. ^_^

I guess girls are all the same, deep down... =)

Hope you're all okay. <3

January 22, 2012

Is there a man out there?

Someone to hear my prayer?

125.4lbs today

What the fuck

Had 520cals so far. It won't go above 600. Might go up to 590 (sugarfree RedBull and gum), depending on what I do tonight.

So.. 30 days of blogging...

Day 7 - What makes you happy

What makes me happy is music, losing weight, and nice nails =)

January 19, 2012


Ahem. TMI. I think a lot of this is food weight that will be gone as soon as... umm... anyway!

Yeah I'm a fat fuck.

I think I'm just going to ignore anonmymous's comments. For one, they're anonymous. And two, I really don't want to think about sex. Not even lesbian sex.


I kinda sliced up my arm today. I don't know why.

Probably because I'm so fat.

Don't worry, dears, this will change. I promise.

I'm reading Unbearable Lightness. Rereading it. I love the lesbian part. The food part doesn't trigger me. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.

I like Portia.

I'm going to continue doing that 30 days thing I have on my blog. My blog needs something besides "bitch about my perfect life" yeah?

I was about to say something but I forgot what.

Oh! I'm on Pinterest now. <3

It's quite addicting.

I have a new follower.

Hi. =)

I'm sorry for being a disappointing blogger.

January 15, 2012


I'm surprised I'm not 130 with the way I've been eating.



There are a few things I want to say.

First. The bad stuff. Why? Because I want to end on a positive note.

Whenever I'm reading blogs, I get really uncomfortable when there's sexual stuff mentioned. Especially heterosexual stuff.

Okay I have music playing now. City by Hollywood Undead. Not my usual type of music but it's distracting and it reminds me of the ending of Fight Club. God I love that movie. Even the sex in it doesn't bother me. It's amazing.

It's pretty close to my usual music. Eh. I love it. So whatever.


Shit I'm really nervous about this. But I need to get it out.

I'm really fucked up with hetero relationships.

My first and only experience with sexual intercourse (with a male, I don't think lesbians can have intercourse but... okay whatever that's another debate) was with a guy who knew I don't like guys. He did it anyway.

He said it wouldn't have hurt me that much if I had weighed less.

He said I'm a heartless person for hurting him.

Repeat City by Hollywood Undead.

Another good song is Upside Down by Lacuna Coil off their new album Dark Adrenaline. My friend told me I would love that song. He was right. I love him for that. My music taste is really picky. That seems normal. Haha. But I was surprised that he knew my music tastes so well even though we really don't talk about music much.

I'm getting off topic.


I think that's it for the bad thing.

Good news now!

This week I decided that when I reach 117lbs, I'll make it official on Facebook that I like girls. =) I'm so excited! I don't really get the whole concept of rewards for weight loss but at the moment I feel too fat to say "I'm a lesbian" and 117 seems like a nice number, though obviously it's not my ultimate goal at all.

I want to watch Fight Club now.

I'm too sensitive. The smallest thing has me running to the restroom to stick my fingers down my throat.

Oh well.

That's life, eh?


January 10, 2012


That is my post-break weight. Fuck.

But it will go down. Believe me. I'll make it go down.

Today I've had

-3 vitamin C drops (15cals each)
-some diet coke (less than half a 20oz bottle) (1cal)
-1 piece of gum (5cals)
So 21cals total

I'm not hungry. I honestly don't want to eat.

This is gonna be graphic as hell. I apologize. But the thing that keeps me from eating when my friends want me to or whatever is the fact that it will have to be removed from my body. Either bulimia or uh... more natural ways. Both are disgusting. So therefore, eating is disgusting.

My friend made me eat last night.
I ate too much and threw it up and came back to her room laughing. She was like "dude, Vampire [okay, not Vampire, but my real nickname], you're crazy..."
But she wants to room with me next year.
Guess we'll do that.

I dunno.

I think my roommate's back.
Which means I should get off here.
She looks at thinspo.
I've seen it on her computer like if she leaves it on when she leaves the room for a second and I happen to glance to her side of the room.
I wonder if she has an ED?
She's certainly thin enough.


Time to go lose this fucking weight.

Love you all. <3

Comment me if you haven't noticed me commenting on your blog and I'll go see why I was being such a bitch to you. <3

January 01, 2012

Happy New Year

It's 2012.

I'm too fat to sleep.

Tired as fuck though.

Only got 4 hours last night.

Of sleep I mean.

I know that's great for some people.

But I love sleep.

I want it.

More of it.

At least 8 hours.

How healthy, right?

Well I just like sleep.

It's usually an escape.


Happy New Year.

I love you all.