October 30, 2016


Huh that's an interesting way of looking at it, Bella. I guess you're right, though I still don't really like how little self-control I have around alcohol.
I kept getting shots of vodka/rum at work last night (whatever was easier to get at the time) so by the time I got home, I was pretty drunk. Ugh. This is becoming a pattern and I really wish it weren't. I don't even want alcohol anymore - I crave it.
On the positive side, food is absolutely repulsive and a waste of time. It's not even a battle anymore. I just don't want to eat.

October 23, 2016


I haven't wanted to self harm for the first time in 10 years. This is pretty fucking exciting. My anxiety is still through the roof though. And I  never want to eat. Honestly, the idea of eating like, 500 calories per week and throwing that up is really fucking tempting and it's taking all my self control to be like "no, you're a full time student with a job, you actually need food". Fuck.

I got absolutely shitfaced last night at work. I had a beer, sangria spiked with a shot and a half of vodka, and then I finished a bottle of vodka that had about 3-4 shots left, that my coworker helped me with a tiny bit, but not much. In my defense, it was a dare to finish that bottle. And I had fun. But the point is, I was wasted in front of my coworkers and now I'm embarrassed as hell. 

October 16, 2016


I'm not really feeling the urge to self harm constantly like I was. I know it's too early for the medication to be affecting me, but maybe it is? I dunno. I like it though. I thought I'd never be free of that urge to self harm, that it was something I would have to live with constantly. This is nice.
Still anxious as fuck though. I still freak out if everything isn't exactly right. (My boyfriend went grocery shopping for me last night - with a specific shopping list of course - and the store was either out of or no longer carried one of the things I wanted. I felt like my world was ending.)

I'm actually caught up on homework now. Very exciting. I can play video games today! Haha. Fuck it.
MPA is down right now so... that's freaky. Hopefully it's not permanent =/

October 09, 2016


I'm officially on Prozac. Fuck. I promised myself I'd never turn to psychiatric medication, but here I am.
Obviously it's not doing anything yet. They said to wait 4-6 weeks, but I'm meeting with the psych in 4 weeks (first week of November) I guess to see how I'm doing?
Still threw up on like, the second day of taking it. On purpose, obviously.
Oh well. We'll see.

October 02, 2016


Holy hell it's October. When did that happen? Where did September go?

My neighbors have been awful, slamming stuff around constantly and yelling. Like, late into the night and early in the morning. It's fucking shit. And as usual, I'm scared of coming home from class/work because of the bullshit I know I'll have to deal with from them. But they seem like whiny entitled cunts, so I'm sure they'll complain to the rental agency and find some reason to make me seem like the bad guy.

Anyway, since people keeping saying it, I'm going to look into getting on anti-anxiety medication.

Have you ever listened to the opening for the Elder Scrolls Online game? It's surprisingly pretty =)