September 30, 2011

Quick commet responses (126.2)

I can't do cereal/skim milk, mostly because milk makes me really nervous. Why? I have no idea. I can have it in coffee (as long as I never put it in myself, but like a latte? Yeah that's fine, even though I prefer soy... eh I'm weird, aren't we all?) But... thank you for the responses! Breakfast will be included. Probably the only meal on most days. I don't like distractions from my schoolwork and it's so easy to get caught up in classes and homework and playing Pokemon with friends that I simply don't have time to eat, sabes? Yeah yeah. Haha.

Okay I suck at doing quick responses! Oh yeah... I finally weighed myself without soaking wet hair today. I took a shower last night. Guess who's a fucking fatass?

So should I blog like... every day? Would that make you guys happy? Haha =P


September 29, 2011


So I have to go to French class soon. Er.. no, not soon... it's at 2:15 and the building is like, 2 minutes away, if I walk slowly. Haha. It's 1:18 now. I'm just going to read after this.

I've gotten into this horrible habit. My throat always hurts like a bitch when I wake up, so I drink a shitload of water because if I don't, even breathing makes my eyes water. Then I go take a shower. My scale's hidden in my closet (er..."hidden") so while I'm getting dressed in there and my roommate is getting ready, doing whatever the hell she does, I get on the scale with my hair soaking wet. But I only do this on weekdays. On weekends, I wait until my hair is dry to weigh myself. I'm a fucking idiot. So it looks like I gained a ton on Monday even if I didn't. And it looks like I lost a ton on Saturday. Obviously I didn't. Yeah... >.<

There's this debate going through my head. To breakfast or not to breakfast? Drinks are 0 calories. I know of the 100cal Starbucks things, but I can't find them here (maybe in the cafe downstairs? But it's like, WAY out of the way of my first classes, so maybe next semester... it's like, across-campus-out-of-the-way haha) My logic for both sides...

None- freedom, won't royally fuck up the day as soon as it starts (eating = fucking up), won't be as tempted to stick my fingers down my throat every day, etc etc etc
Something small- metabolism boost. Theoretically. Weight loss. Or so they say. If it's the right thing, I probably will be less likely to eat throughout the day. But that is easily done through other means (aka working/reading my butt off and avoiding food/friends) But the metabolism boost thing? Yeah that's tempting. And it's not like I want to be sick or anything. Just thin.

But then the question is... what should I have? And I'll get it when my (now) usual vitamin water zero...

Oh yeah! I've decided. I don't need coffee. The orange vitamin water has caffeine and the lemonade one is really good so...yep. S'all good. ^_^

Okay I should go... people are eating here and stuff. Haha. I'll have breakfast if I find a good safe food for it where I get my vitamin water in the mornings. Good plan? I think it is.

<3 Love you guys! Sorry about how long this post is >.<

September 26, 2011

Okay I'm in desperate need of responses to this... there's too much shit in my head and decisions to be made and I need outside advice on this (which I've already gotten on the coffee thing, but it's never a bad idea to get more, nyeh?)

So. The coffee thing. I could have
a-soy lattes. 220cals for a tall one. Obviously not a very good option. I'll probably avoid this.
b-coffee-flavored stuff? It's a Starbucks thing, but it's served cold in a can. Tastes safe but it's 210cals per can. They're big, but still...
c-light vanilla flavored coffee stuff. Same as b, but this is light vanilla and it's 130cals per can. Tastes good, but... 130cals? Is it really necessary?
d-fuck coffee. Vitamin water zero. One of them (the orange one) has 30mg of caffeine. This is the one I'm seriously leaning towards.

I just finished rereading Wasted. It made me want to subsist on a diet of a few Skittles a day. >.< I'm not sure this is healthy. It also made me really happy that I don't have an eating disorder. =)

My friend ("friend", though I would probably like him if I liked guys... he's sweet, except for this ONE THING he does that I'm about to mention... obviously a relationship killer) made me eat pizza last night. Fuck. I felt so sick... Still do. It's so fattening and disgusting. How can ANYONE enjoy it?

Haven't eaten today, just a few sips of that orange vitamin water 0... I feel okay. Actually I'm in a really good mood. It's quite lovely. I feel really pretentious. I also want to read. A lot. Everything I can get my hands on. Which is... a lot.

I think I'm getting better. At least I don't want to stick my fingers down my throat all the time now.

September 24, 2011


<3 I love you guys! <3 <3 <3

Weight was taken with soaking wet hair as soon as I got out of the shower. Still a fatass.

So... ahem... I was forced to eat yesterday. It was bad. A bit of mac and cheese (what the FUCK?) and a "vegetarian spring roll". Oh and I had a soy latte before my Chinese class because well... fuck... I felt like pure SHIT from lack of sleep.

Have I mentioned A to you guys? I'll mention A. He's a dick. Actually, no, he's not. But it's easier to say he is. He's really sweet and caring and all. But at the same time, the fact that he doesn't understand what "I LIKE GIRLS, NOT GUYS" means is VERY annoying.

Oh yeah... it's 16:48 and I haven't had anything except a little water today. Can you tell? Haha. Probably not cause I'm still a fucking fatass.

My throat hurts like a bitch from dehydration. Yayyy... I'm working on it! I don't want to be sick. I'm not sick though. Just dehydrated. Easily fixed. Very easily. I slept crazy well last night. It was awesome.

My phone is pms-ing. Yeah. Haha. I need a texting buddy. Just for sanity. I can't stand my friends.

My MU friend has informed me that vitamin water zero? Yeah it actually DOES have all the vitamins and shit it claims to have. Staying healthy should be easier. =D Haha we just went over that last night... but then she was all "your body needs other nutrients to stay alive and healthy though..." and I'm all -grumble angry mutter-.


Yeah okay I need caffeine. Tea? Almost-0-cal tea? Nyeh? Nothing really has 0 calories. Just very few. Which is still not few enough. Just... better than like 500 FUCKING MILLION of those bitches.


Haha wow. I'm in a pretty good mood today. Yay sleep!

Those Naked juices freak me out. 300 calories in that bottle? What kind of idiotic sadist came up with that shit?




September 21, 2011

5k + views

Wow. Just wow. Thanks, you guys. =)
I'm sorry I'm a horrible blogger. Current weight? No idea. Current addiction? Caffeine. I'm trying to get over that. I think I'm really fat. (Don't we all?)
My "friend" said I'm a fat pig because I sleep with random guys. Whatever. I didn't cut when he said that. Barely wanted to. (Maybe it was just because he's not worth it.)

No idea what's going on. So I'm going to get more control over that.

Oh yeah. AND NO CAFFEINE. Fuck. I'm not letting myself get addicted to shit.

Does anyone still read this? Haha I know I wouldn't...

If you do, I love you.

If you don't... I love you anyway, though obviously you don't know that cause you don't read.



I started writing another story during my psych class today. It's about zombies. No idea. I hate zombies. I like the story. It's... cliche. But fun to write. Nyeh? I'm reading the Ender's Game books again. And Dracula. I read too much. Some of it's for school.

Pretty Little Liars/Gossip Girl books are triggering as hell. I wanna throw up until I bleed. Ha. I'm happy though. I don't wanna hurt myself. See? I'm healthy, happy, a perfect specimen, just like I'm supposed to be.

(Except I'm still fat as hell. That kinda kills the perfection thing.)


September 13, 2011


Don't really know what to say... haha my friend was getting water today (from a vending machine) after French class and there were chips and stuff and I was like I REALLY WANT THAT! but I like... didn't? I've had a Starbucks coffee thing today. One of those in a can. 200cals. And too much gum. I have like no classes on Thursday. It's pretty cool. I walked into the room where my friends always hang out yesterday and my friend told me I looked like a zombie. Haha. I'm really tired. Does that make sense? Oh and I'm a fatass. Proof is in the title. Weight was taken today with soaking wet hair right after my shower. I'm sorry about not posting much. I should probably work on that. Lo siento.

September 03, 2011

I'm staying at the university next time. Apparently I look "great". Apparently I lost weight. I don't want to look good. Especially not to my creepy stepfather. I hate his comments. He's always saying shit like that I look attractive and stuff. Don't they know I want to disappear and never be attractive to anyone in any way? That I don't want to be liked or loved because I don't fucking deserve it?

I'm sitting here on my mom's netbook (my laptop is at school) trying not to cry.

The stepfather is frying eggs for them. It smells disgusting. I want to throw up. I look pregnant from that pasta last night. Why the fuck didn't I come up with a better excuse to not eat it? Fucking fatass.

I don't get why he's always so mean to me. He's always saying I eat too much, I'm too fat, I take up too much space, why the fuck am I here, don't I have my own room to go to?

I want to be back home. At the university. Please, God, let me go home where it's safe, where I can run to the library if I need a sanctuary. Where it's okay if I don't want to hang out with my friends or I'm kind of upset because well, I have a lot of homework, sabes?

Not like that's happened much there. I love it there. I really do. I feel (relatively) sane there.

Oh ick... they're eating. It's so loud and it smells horrible. CHEW CHEW CHEW. Fatasses. How can you guys eat? You're already so big. CHEWMUMBLEAROUNDFOODCHEWSOMEMORECAUSEI'MAFATPIG.
Shit they're so disgusting. I'm sorry.

Haha I'm just typing like a fiend and texting here and kinda watching them eat but not really noticeably. It's just... revolting.

"I feel sorry for her. She's so messed up - physically and mentally" - about my obese friend who came to visit my mom this past weekend. My mom's comment to me was "please don't become so fat... it's scary" Hahaha. I tried not to laugh.

They're done having breakfast. We're going shopping.

-water bottle
-food for dorm (will not be eaten)
-gum <3

Oh gross. My mom is making soup with meat and my stepdad is like poking at the meat. He keeps yelling at me. Sigh. My stomach hurts. I ate too much last night.

I want to go back home.

Ironic, since most people would consider this home.

Yeah I'm gonna go.

<3 I love you all.

September 02, 2011


Shit I'm home. My last weight (this morning) is the blog title. Blah. Fatass. I'll gain weight this weekend. I know I will. I'm scared. She's already fed me. Pasta and ice cream and organic tomatoes. Oh shit. I'm staying up and exercising. Every night. Fuck fuck fuck.

I hope I stay sane... Please, God, don't let me gain weight. Please!

Gotta go. I'll try to update more often here. Thank you for your comments <3 Anyone know how to comment on Google Reader?

My scale's at university but my mom has a scale so maybe I could use that? It's in her closet though so I don't know. We'll see.

I love you all <3