September 03, 2011

I'm staying at the university next time. Apparently I look "great". Apparently I lost weight. I don't want to look good. Especially not to my creepy stepfather. I hate his comments. He's always saying shit like that I look attractive and stuff. Don't they know I want to disappear and never be attractive to anyone in any way? That I don't want to be liked or loved because I don't fucking deserve it?

I'm sitting here on my mom's netbook (my laptop is at school) trying not to cry.

The stepfather is frying eggs for them. It smells disgusting. I want to throw up. I look pregnant from that pasta last night. Why the fuck didn't I come up with a better excuse to not eat it? Fucking fatass.

I don't get why he's always so mean to me. He's always saying I eat too much, I'm too fat, I take up too much space, why the fuck am I here, don't I have my own room to go to?

I want to be back home. At the university. Please, God, let me go home where it's safe, where I can run to the library if I need a sanctuary. Where it's okay if I don't want to hang out with my friends or I'm kind of upset because well, I have a lot of homework, sabes?

Not like that's happened much there. I love it there. I really do. I feel (relatively) sane there.

Oh ick... they're eating. It's so loud and it smells horrible. CHEW CHEW CHEW. Fatasses. How can you guys eat? You're already so big. CHEWMUMBLEAROUNDFOODCHEWSOMEMORECAUSEI'MAFATPIG.
Shit they're so disgusting. I'm sorry.

Haha I'm just typing like a fiend and texting here and kinda watching them eat but not really noticeably. It's just... revolting.

"I feel sorry for her. She's so messed up - physically and mentally" - about my obese friend who came to visit my mom this past weekend. My mom's comment to me was "please don't become so fat... it's scary" Hahaha. I tried not to laugh.

They're done having breakfast. We're going shopping.

-water bottle
-food for dorm (will not be eaten)
-gum <3

Oh gross. My mom is making soup with meat and my stepdad is like poking at the meat. He keeps yelling at me. Sigh. My stomach hurts. I ate too much last night.

I want to go back home.

Ironic, since most people would consider this home.

Yeah I'm gonna go.

<3 I love you all.

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