December 29, 2011

Sorry for posting so much...

The cat is walking on my stomach and she keeps stepping on my hip bone. I'm happy that it hurts. It reminds me that it's there. That I do have beautiful bones just begging to be released from this fat body.

I love it when the cat's in my lap =) it's so relaxing to have a cute kitty curled up on me when I've taken my Sudafed so I can enjoy it without like dying.


December 28, 2011

Christmas summary

Well. Christmas wasn't too bad. Like Maja said, it's not really Christmas without snow. But I did have fun. On Christmas day, we went to one of my distant relatives' house and it's out in the country. There's a guy who lives behind their house and I believe he's either a really, really close family friend or her father-in-law... haha this family is very confusing. Anyway, he owns horses and I've ridden his horses before. So while everyone was cooking, doing yardwork (aka cutting down trees for the fireplaces), running around chasing the dogs/chickens (the kids), or just chilling out (the great-grandparents), this guy and I (and a few other people who slipped in an out of this activity as they desired) went horseback riding. He had just gotten two new horses that he was trying to get broken in so they'd be cool with the farm and people riding them and stuff. They're walkers. If you don't know horses, this means that they have slightly different gaits than the average horse (they have another level of walking which most horses don't do) and their gaits are really smooth.

New paragraph. Take a breath. Haha I love horses too much...
The horse I was riding was named Desmond. My stepaunt (her house was where we were all meeting for Christmas) was a pretty good horseback rider, but she said she couldn't get him into a canter the other two times she rode him. I got him to canter quite a bit in the meadows around the farm. It was awesome... his canter was heavenly once you actually got him into it, which took a bit of persuasion. Don't worry, I only kicked him once and I would never use a crop on him! Even if they had crops... not sure if they did. Then we went on a trail ride through the woods. He was so well-behaved... ah it was wonderful.

Then, because we hadn't had enough horse-ness, the horse owner and I went out in the wagon (he had been giving rides in it all afternoon while I was riding Desmond) and he taught me how to drive a horse-pulled wagon. We went out on the road to his friend's house, where the lady offered me a drink. Apparently they didn't have water (what the FUCK?), so I thought iced tea would be safe. Theoretically, it would be. But hers was sweetened. Holy shit. My only comfort as I took a sip and set the glass down was that it was the first thing I'd consumed all day and I'd probably burned a lot of calories riding Demsond for a few hours earlier.

Then we came home (aka to the stepaunt's house) and had dinner. It included sherry and wine. Haha. My dad kept glaring at me when I took a sip of whatever I was drinking, which was ridiculous, since I mostly drank water. I only had 2 glasses of wine. Haha. I slept amazingly well that night. Alcohol is good for that. I know, I know, high calorie shit, but if that's all I had and a pretty good workout with horseback riding that day, I think it's okay. The good night's sleep was almost worth it.

And now I'm hanging out with my biological father's cat and all Sudafed-ed up because I'm allergic to cats. Thankfully, Sudafed is something you can take without food. Yay!

Haha okay there was a lot of horse-ness in that post... I apologize... >_<


How are you all doing? <3

Oh and Merry Christmas, my dears! Or whatever other holiday you celebrate.

Hopefully it's not too stressful... I know I was worried as hell on Christmas morning. You should see my legs... the sharpie covering a few of the cuts is still clearly visible... >_<


Love you all. <3

December 24, 2011

Christmas break

Oh wait... I should be all pc and call it WINTER break.
And, fittingly, I'm reading Wintergirls.
Except it's not snowing here. At all. T_T

Oh and I keep throwing up and cutting and shit. It's pretty exciting. My throat and stomach hurt from dry heaving (on purpose, what would that be called?)

I promise I'll start commenting on your blogs (and continue throughout next semester!) in the next 2 weeks unless circumstances go far beyond my control.

I'm a horrible blogger.

I love you all. <3

December 12, 2011


Wow. Thanks guys.

Im pretty boring though. I throw up every day and its gross and Im really going to stop.

I accidentally cut today before my Chinese final. The final was easy. Thank God its cold out so I can wear long sleeves.

I dunno what I want to say.

I am determined to be better. Healthy.
No throwing up.
As little cutting as possible.
No diet soda or crappy school or Starbucks coffee.
Read more.


Im reading Under the Dome by Stephen King. I have a final on Wednesday and another one Thursday. Going to see my dad on Friday. Im staying there over break. Anyone in the Baltimore Maryland area...text or email me please...Im scared of going crazy there.

December 03, 2011

To respond to a comment...I have no idea how my hands turned blue. They felt warmer than usual which isnt saying much since theyre usually freezing...I thought they were normal body temperature but my mom touched my hand and said it was cold so I dunno...

I throw up every day now. Sometimes twice a day. Today my friend asked me if there was anything I was good at...anything I was proud of...I couldnt think of anything.

Im getting 95s and 98s on quizzes in Chinese. Fuck. I need to study more.

Im wearing leggings and a short warm dress today. It makes me look fat. I am fat.

I cant concentrate on one thing.

I need sleep.

Im sorry.

November 26, 2011

My mom just flipped out cause my hands are blue. What the fuck? I dunno which part is worse.

November 23, 2011


The most terrifying word ever.

I don't even want to eat a ton and purge.

I just want to not eat.

The good thing about being 18 is that they can't control me. Not legally. Not really.

So when I get too stressed out, I can deal with it. My way.

Currently that seems to be grabbing my purse (containing wallet, cigarettes, lighter, phone) and running out the door. "I'm going on a walk/going to meet Bob/Fred/George/Amanda/whoever the fuck!"

Sitting at the kitchen table with my mom while she's stuffing carrots into the food cutter thingy...
"You don't smoke, do you?"
Thoughts flashing to the cigarette I smoked that morning.
"God no. Never, mom. Really. I don't even know how to!"

Fuck. I won't get addicted though. Really.

I hope.

November 19, 2011

129.8 fully clothed with half a bottle of sobe lifewater zero calories in me. People above me are being loud so I cant sleep. I throw up too much. I cant remember the last time I went a day without doing it. My friend keeps caling me fat.

November 10, 2011

I hate how when I throw up, my stomach hurts for like half an hour afterwards... sigh. I wish it wouldn't. But I suppose that's the price I pay for this insanity, right?

I like Master of Puppets though. It's quite relaxing.

I think I'll go to French without my homework done. Not like she'll notice or care... Haha I love that class it's so pathetically easy.

November 09, 2011

Thanks kes <3

I'll try to do that.... though what would make me feel good (yeah right, but that's what my mind is telling me) is eating a shit-load of food and throwing it up until I'm spitting out blood. Okay ew. Fuck. Uh yeah I'm gonna go get myself another Gossip Girl book... haha.
Everones eating. 127.8lbs. Im sorry. It feels like kg. Im too fat to live. I want to throw up more and more and more until Im clean. I want to be alone forever so I can cry in peace even though I have no right to cry cause my life is perfect except Im the horrible person who hurts people. Im the fucked up one who should be removed from society cause Im so goddamn useless and meaningless and I just want out right now. I want to disappear.

I want to smile for once an go a day without feeling like shit. Is that even possible?

November 08, 2011

I hate it when people look at me in amazement when they find out Chinese is my fifth language. No, all my little linguistic accomplishments do not make me happy or successful. Success would be being happy enough with life to stop sticking my fingers down my throat. That would be heaven. That's all I really want out of life right now. How pathetic.
So I have a new blog... for my English class. Woot. Haha... probably making it on Wordpress. It's supposed to be a "site" about psychological testing on animals. Fuck me.

Oh and I have to meet a friend for dinner tomorrow. Fml.


November 06, 2011

Both of my biological parents contacted me in the past twelve hours or so...yay. I had ice cream with a friend last night and threw it up and then we spent an hour and a half watching Swedish Meal Time on YouTube. Talk about reverse thinspo...

November 05, 2011

Neither of my biological parents has contacted me in days. Usually my mom emails me every day. Its strange. Either something happened or theyve finally given up on me like Ive been waiting for them to do since the first time I stuck my fingers down my throat. Haha. Or maybe they found this blog and saw I gained weight and decided theyll talk to me when Im less of a failure. makes me both depressed and happy. Thin by Grace Bowman is a captivating book. I wish I was a better daughter. I wish I was better.

November 04, 2011

So my kindle decided to do a software update during my Chinese class today. Not really sure of what this means. Hope it didnt get a probably not. I bped today cause I didnt want to go out to see a movie with my friends. My roommates gone...I think I mentioned this... so Im staying up late and studying. Its nice to know I wont have to worrry about bothering anyone with the light on all night or anything. Haha. Yeah. Dunno. I feel really out of it and I want a smoke but Im too lazy to go out and get smokes. Lame I know. Time to go study I guess. Probably wont weigh .yself tomorrow. Or maybe I will to be a bitch to myself. I need a friend. I need a hug. I need to never be touvhed again. I love Wherever I May Roam by Metallica.

6k page views

Aw thanks you guys <3 I feel loved. On a proper computer now so I can actually type like a real human being... haha sorry about the kindle posts, I was a bit bored this afternoon during my psych class.

Fight Club (the book) is very therapeutic in small doses.

My roommate's leaving this weekend and I want to b/p like a bitch.

I hope I won't.

I can't believe it's Friday ^_^

just noticed i got comments...thank you :) im trying to be careful with the bping but i did it again before this class im in right now...shit. im trying to stop though. really. love you guys xx

wow kindles kinda suck for typing. class is starting. gotta go
126.0. is anyone surprised im this fat? kindle blogging in class ftw

November 03, 2011

Reading Unbearable Lightness. Wow. I read like 1/5 of it during bio this morning. Supposed to be working on French homework but can't concentrate worth a fuck.

b/p-ed today. Again. Did it last night too.

126.4 this morning


November 02, 2011

So I'm wearing a dress today. And leggings and boots. It's making me a bit nervous. Haha I feel like I'm too fat for this.

I'm signed up for the same stats class as a fellow pt-er... not like I go on pt anymore, but the fact that I get to take a class with someone who gets me is... amazing. And I have to take this class asap anyway, so why not take it with someone awesome? =D

So last night I got back to the dorm around 7 and my friend's like "pizza! eat! now!" and she watched me eat 2 pieces. So I went and threw them up. Haha. Then I had a handful of skittles and threw those up while I was taking a shower.

Scale today? 126.6. I'd say that was a success, considering yesterday's weight and all.

I know, I know, probably water weight and shit... (oh crap... literally maybe o_O okay gross, moving on...)

I have Chinese in...30mins. So I'm just killing time. Yay.

But I should go... <3

November 01, 2011

So I have a French exam today... my weight is probably shit, considering I had 2 exams that I had to study like a bitch for last Friday and my study food? Caffeinated vitamin water zero and sugar. Fuck. But I'm back in control so it's all good. Or it will be. Currently? 128.6. Oh gross.... I almost ate today, but I was like "really? what the fuck will that accomplish? besides making you feel fat and miserable?" so I didn't. That was easy!

Thankfully French exams don't stress me out so I'll just sit there and laugh at the fat chick (who happens to be my friend ;-_- but she's still fat and she apparently does nothing about this, so whatever) who devours a whole container of cookies before class every day and feel all proud of myself for not having eaten all day. Haha.

Oh well. Gotta go do homework and stuff ;-_-

I suspect I might have more time/privacy to comment your blogs within the next few weeks (hopefully!) so.... yay! <3

October 27, 2011


I think I'm enjoying this freedom, being an adult thing a little too much... my arm is a mess >.< Ah well.

I find it hilarious that on the debriefing sheets for the experiments we have to do for my psych 111 class, they always say "if you need counseling blah blah blah you have 5 free sessions per year" But on the board in the dorm, it says we have 4 free sessions per year... do they give one more to psych students because psych students/majors are crazy? =P Kidding, I know it's probably a typo or something. But still. It made me laugh.

I'm kinda working on the final draft of my English paper that's due today (just fixing up little things, I'm perfectly fine) and I have French in about an hour... oh shit, I'm supposed to bs some notes on the play we're reading... eh I'll go do that when I submit my English paper... I just want to pass my classes really. I don't give a fuck about grades. As long as I attempt homework, I'm happy. Haha.


I threw up again today. I'm in denial about it though. That okay? Haha.

Kariiii <3 Happy birthdayyyy!

Haha I'm so happy right now =3 no idea why

Oh yeah... I don't think I'm eating for the rest of the day today.

No idea what my weight is.

And my period has mysteriously disappeared. No idea why...

Eh whatever. Love you guys <3

October 26, 2011

18 ^_^

Kari - your birthday's October 27?? That's awesome! Happy birthday! <3

Haha so my mom emailed me asking what I did on my birthday... I gave her the edited story. Duh. I'll give you all the unedited one. =)

So... I stayed up playing Pokemon until midnight. Then at midnight, while my Togepi is destroying a Rattata, my friends are like HAPPY BIRTHDAY and whip out a chocolate cake. And I'm like O..._...O Err... that was a fucked up O_O.


So I'm sitting there going aw you guys shouldn't have (oh fuck how do I get out of this?) and shit. Then my friend stumbles in all upset cause she had a fight with her friend. She's like "dude! Vampire! (except she used my real nickname) You're 18 now! Let's go uptown!" and I'm like... kay...  So we do. We get into a bar (yay they checked my id! Haha ;-.-) and then we're like.. okay, it's a bunch of wasted townies.. lame... So we go back to campus and go into the "student center" or whatever. Ya know, every college has one? Yep. They sell fruit by the foot there. We get a box. (one of those = 80cals. Holy fuck.) Talk to a guy in her Russian class. We discuss hot girls while my friend stands there trying to understand how someone could find girls attractive and we laugh at her for not getting it. Then he walks with us back to the dorm. Then my friend calls and we have a cute sleepy conversation about how much we love each other and shit like that. Haha. By then it's like 4am... >_< Oh and sometime during this I had my first legal cigarette. =)

Have I mentioned that I'm an adult? Well, I am. This means I can smoke and get a piercing or a tattoo or my hair dyed without parental consent! Finally...


Yeah it's been a pretty good day. =)



The dick texted me at midnight saying happy birthday. I had no idea who it was cause I didn't have his number in my phone. I wish it had stayed that way. I cried and threw up (nothing) when I found out. I hate him.

I love my friends for distracting me though. =) Everyone was super sweet today ^_^

Just hope my friends believe my excuse that I have so much fucking homework and I couldn't possibly go out for dinner tonight cause ya know... gotta study for Chinese!


October 24, 2011

So I'm a host student for an overnight college visit thing this school does. Which means I have lunch, dinner, and breakfast with a high school senior. I'm doing this on 3 weekends. Well, I just did it yesterday/this morning, and I'm doing it the first 2 weekends of November. Why do I tell you this? In case it isn't obvious... T_T it's hell! These fat little high schoolers expect me to eat as much as them and while dissecting a pumpkin muffin and some grapes today at breakfast, I realized... I consider eating ANYTHING a binge. What the fuck? I suck at bulimia T_T I've purged like.... 4 times in the past 24 hours? 5? I forget. I have Chinese class soon. In like, 32 minutes. I have to go get a package at the mail center. Wooot. My birthday's on Wednesday. I'll finally be 18! <3

I dunno. I have a writing blog that gets very little love. It sucks, I'm sorry, but I try... T_T

I do read your blogs... I promise <3 I'm sorry for not commenting T_T

October 18, 2011

Oh fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I was home this weekend, right? (And let me tell you... it was hell. I'll tell you about it later in this post, or maybe next post, since I'm supposed to be doing psychology homework right now...) And I was using my mom's netbook (it was the weekend, so she had her laptop) and apparently I forgot to switch to the incognito version of Google Chrome and I logged in on my email account and it was this one, the one I blog on, immortalvampiricshadow.... shit shit shit. She emailed me going "you have a weird gmail username..." I made up some shit about a youtube account... hope she believes me ;-;

And my stomach hurts like a bitch cause I keep throwing up. Stupid idea. But it has to be done.

I got Wintergirls last night. Holy fuck it's depressing. I was almost crying by chapter 5 this morning. Which isn't really a good thing, considering this was in the middle of my environmental biology class... I wouldn't have been reading normally, but my DS died about 30 minutes into the class and I had 45 minutes to go and I was falling asleep so I was like, I'll just read.... >.<


How are you all doing? <3 I miss you guys... =(

My parents are coming up for a day or two the weekend after my birthday. My birthday is the 26th. I'll be 18. Finally.

October 13, 2011

Falante pelos Mortos

I love this book <3

Translation? Speaker for the Dead.

I would go bi for Ender

I read too much... Hume's philosophy fascinates me. "You have experienced a stone falling to the ground many times, but you've never experienced that a stone will always fall to the ground!" Basically, it's saying you should stop treating life/phenomena as a habit I think... that's what the book said anyway. I think saying that defeats the point of philosophy though.

I want to take more than 20 credit hours next semester. Not officially, since that's not allowed with a lot of ass-kissing I think, but auditing? Yeah I can do that! With a ton of languages... and maybe philosophy? That would be fun! So much work, oops sorry can't eat.

Oh wait. I'm not doing that anymore.

I'm not.

I keep throwing up. Haha. Which implies that I eat. Kinda. I think 15-17% of the times I've thrown up (ever), it's been just for the hell of it, even if I hadn't eaten all day. Nyeh.

It was really weird. Every night, after running around all day on vitamin water zero (the orange one, with caffeine!), I get really sick and shaky, so I eat some chips or noodles or candy that my friends offer, go throw it up, and take a shower and fall asleep. So uh... why the fuck am I getting so sick? Isn't vitamin water supposed to be good for you? Bitches...

Going home this weekend.

I feel like a fat pig.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts. I get to go SHOPPING. Oh joy... Another way to make me feel even fatter!

Shit I gotta stop saying stuff like that.

I wanna stay here though. I love this place...

October 10, 2011

No se

Yeah it doesn't have an accent. Oh effing well.

Spain in Chinese pinyin is yi ban ya. Minus the tones cause I'm a lazy bitch.

I don't know why I'm blogging.

I hate food. All it does is make me want to throw up and it reminds me that I'm a horrible person.

I need to stop being bitter... I don't really care about my weight anymore. I really don't. I dunno.

Why do I keep crossing out stuff?

This girl called me fat.

Then I saw her stuffing her face with cocoa puffs, nutella on white bread, pepperoni, cheese, crackers, BREAD. Holy shit.

And she calls me fat?

I know I'm a whale but at least I'm working on it!

By sticking my fingers down my throat.

No. No. No. Not doing that anymore. I haven't in like 2 days.

I might take more than 20 credit hours next semester. I hope I do. I need to do something.

I've had a handful of peanut m&m's and a few mouthfuls of vitamin water zero today. I feel so fat. Typical.

Shit. Stop talking about weight.

No one gives a fuck, you fat pig.

October 07, 2011


我 叫 Vampire。

I have a new obsession. =) I felt like shit until I started typing in Chinese...hmm... I've found my therapy!

我 是 大学生。我 不 是 美国人。

Tell me if that doesn't show up... T_T I'll be sad if it doesn't cause I'm having fun with this! Man... even my FACEBOOK status is in Chinese! ^_^ Si si si. Okay I'm gonna go do my psych homework and stop playing with languages... >_>

I think I'll read Wintergirls... I've heard good things about that book.

Oh and I'm gonna stop this stupid weight loss thing. Okay? Okay. The nausea and dizziness and self hatred isn't worth it. Happy thoughts happy thoughts and keep sipping my vitamin water zero and not fucking eating.

September 30, 2011

Quick commet responses (126.2)

I can't do cereal/skim milk, mostly because milk makes me really nervous. Why? I have no idea. I can have it in coffee (as long as I never put it in myself, but like a latte? Yeah that's fine, even though I prefer soy... eh I'm weird, aren't we all?) But... thank you for the responses! Breakfast will be included. Probably the only meal on most days. I don't like distractions from my schoolwork and it's so easy to get caught up in classes and homework and playing Pokemon with friends that I simply don't have time to eat, sabes? Yeah yeah. Haha.

Okay I suck at doing quick responses! Oh yeah... I finally weighed myself without soaking wet hair today. I took a shower last night. Guess who's a fucking fatass?

So should I blog like... every day? Would that make you guys happy? Haha =P


September 29, 2011


So I have to go to French class soon. Er.. no, not soon... it's at 2:15 and the building is like, 2 minutes away, if I walk slowly. Haha. It's 1:18 now. I'm just going to read after this.

I've gotten into this horrible habit. My throat always hurts like a bitch when I wake up, so I drink a shitload of water because if I don't, even breathing makes my eyes water. Then I go take a shower. My scale's hidden in my closet (er..."hidden") so while I'm getting dressed in there and my roommate is getting ready, doing whatever the hell she does, I get on the scale with my hair soaking wet. But I only do this on weekdays. On weekends, I wait until my hair is dry to weigh myself. I'm a fucking idiot. So it looks like I gained a ton on Monday even if I didn't. And it looks like I lost a ton on Saturday. Obviously I didn't. Yeah... >.<

There's this debate going through my head. To breakfast or not to breakfast? Drinks are 0 calories. I know of the 100cal Starbucks things, but I can't find them here (maybe in the cafe downstairs? But it's like, WAY out of the way of my first classes, so maybe next semester... it's like, across-campus-out-of-the-way haha) My logic for both sides...

None- freedom, won't royally fuck up the day as soon as it starts (eating = fucking up), won't be as tempted to stick my fingers down my throat every day, etc etc etc
Something small- metabolism boost. Theoretically. Weight loss. Or so they say. If it's the right thing, I probably will be less likely to eat throughout the day. But that is easily done through other means (aka working/reading my butt off and avoiding food/friends) But the metabolism boost thing? Yeah that's tempting. And it's not like I want to be sick or anything. Just thin.

But then the question is... what should I have? And I'll get it when my (now) usual vitamin water zero...

Oh yeah! I've decided. I don't need coffee. The orange vitamin water has caffeine and the lemonade one is really good so...yep. S'all good. ^_^

Okay I should go... people are eating here and stuff. Haha. I'll have breakfast if I find a good safe food for it where I get my vitamin water in the mornings. Good plan? I think it is.

<3 Love you guys! Sorry about how long this post is >.<

September 26, 2011

Okay I'm in desperate need of responses to this... there's too much shit in my head and decisions to be made and I need outside advice on this (which I've already gotten on the coffee thing, but it's never a bad idea to get more, nyeh?)

So. The coffee thing. I could have
a-soy lattes. 220cals for a tall one. Obviously not a very good option. I'll probably avoid this.
b-coffee-flavored stuff? It's a Starbucks thing, but it's served cold in a can. Tastes safe but it's 210cals per can. They're big, but still...
c-light vanilla flavored coffee stuff. Same as b, but this is light vanilla and it's 130cals per can. Tastes good, but... 130cals? Is it really necessary?
d-fuck coffee. Vitamin water zero. One of them (the orange one) has 30mg of caffeine. This is the one I'm seriously leaning towards.

I just finished rereading Wasted. It made me want to subsist on a diet of a few Skittles a day. >.< I'm not sure this is healthy. It also made me really happy that I don't have an eating disorder. =)

My friend ("friend", though I would probably like him if I liked guys... he's sweet, except for this ONE THING he does that I'm about to mention... obviously a relationship killer) made me eat pizza last night. Fuck. I felt so sick... Still do. It's so fattening and disgusting. How can ANYONE enjoy it?

Haven't eaten today, just a few sips of that orange vitamin water 0... I feel okay. Actually I'm in a really good mood. It's quite lovely. I feel really pretentious. I also want to read. A lot. Everything I can get my hands on. Which is... a lot.

I think I'm getting better. At least I don't want to stick my fingers down my throat all the time now.

September 24, 2011


<3 I love you guys! <3 <3 <3

Weight was taken with soaking wet hair as soon as I got out of the shower. Still a fatass.

So... ahem... I was forced to eat yesterday. It was bad. A bit of mac and cheese (what the FUCK?) and a "vegetarian spring roll". Oh and I had a soy latte before my Chinese class because well... fuck... I felt like pure SHIT from lack of sleep.

Have I mentioned A to you guys? I'll mention A. He's a dick. Actually, no, he's not. But it's easier to say he is. He's really sweet and caring and all. But at the same time, the fact that he doesn't understand what "I LIKE GIRLS, NOT GUYS" means is VERY annoying.

Oh yeah... it's 16:48 and I haven't had anything except a little water today. Can you tell? Haha. Probably not cause I'm still a fucking fatass.

My throat hurts like a bitch from dehydration. Yayyy... I'm working on it! I don't want to be sick. I'm not sick though. Just dehydrated. Easily fixed. Very easily. I slept crazy well last night. It was awesome.

My phone is pms-ing. Yeah. Haha. I need a texting buddy. Just for sanity. I can't stand my friends.

My MU friend has informed me that vitamin water zero? Yeah it actually DOES have all the vitamins and shit it claims to have. Staying healthy should be easier. =D Haha we just went over that last night... but then she was all "your body needs other nutrients to stay alive and healthy though..." and I'm all -grumble angry mutter-.


Yeah okay I need caffeine. Tea? Almost-0-cal tea? Nyeh? Nothing really has 0 calories. Just very few. Which is still not few enough. Just... better than like 500 FUCKING MILLION of those bitches.


Haha wow. I'm in a pretty good mood today. Yay sleep!

Those Naked juices freak me out. 300 calories in that bottle? What kind of idiotic sadist came up with that shit?




September 21, 2011

5k + views

Wow. Just wow. Thanks, you guys. =)
I'm sorry I'm a horrible blogger. Current weight? No idea. Current addiction? Caffeine. I'm trying to get over that. I think I'm really fat. (Don't we all?)
My "friend" said I'm a fat pig because I sleep with random guys. Whatever. I didn't cut when he said that. Barely wanted to. (Maybe it was just because he's not worth it.)

No idea what's going on. So I'm going to get more control over that.

Oh yeah. AND NO CAFFEINE. Fuck. I'm not letting myself get addicted to shit.

Does anyone still read this? Haha I know I wouldn't...

If you do, I love you.

If you don't... I love you anyway, though obviously you don't know that cause you don't read.



I started writing another story during my psych class today. It's about zombies. No idea. I hate zombies. I like the story. It's... cliche. But fun to write. Nyeh? I'm reading the Ender's Game books again. And Dracula. I read too much. Some of it's for school.

Pretty Little Liars/Gossip Girl books are triggering as hell. I wanna throw up until I bleed. Ha. I'm happy though. I don't wanna hurt myself. See? I'm healthy, happy, a perfect specimen, just like I'm supposed to be.

(Except I'm still fat as hell. That kinda kills the perfection thing.)


September 13, 2011


Don't really know what to say... haha my friend was getting water today (from a vending machine) after French class and there were chips and stuff and I was like I REALLY WANT THAT! but I like... didn't? I've had a Starbucks coffee thing today. One of those in a can. 200cals. And too much gum. I have like no classes on Thursday. It's pretty cool. I walked into the room where my friends always hang out yesterday and my friend told me I looked like a zombie. Haha. I'm really tired. Does that make sense? Oh and I'm a fatass. Proof is in the title. Weight was taken today with soaking wet hair right after my shower. I'm sorry about not posting much. I should probably work on that. Lo siento.

September 03, 2011

I'm staying at the university next time. Apparently I look "great". Apparently I lost weight. I don't want to look good. Especially not to my creepy stepfather. I hate his comments. He's always saying shit like that I look attractive and stuff. Don't they know I want to disappear and never be attractive to anyone in any way? That I don't want to be liked or loved because I don't fucking deserve it?

I'm sitting here on my mom's netbook (my laptop is at school) trying not to cry.

The stepfather is frying eggs for them. It smells disgusting. I want to throw up. I look pregnant from that pasta last night. Why the fuck didn't I come up with a better excuse to not eat it? Fucking fatass.

I don't get why he's always so mean to me. He's always saying I eat too much, I'm too fat, I take up too much space, why the fuck am I here, don't I have my own room to go to?

I want to be back home. At the university. Please, God, let me go home where it's safe, where I can run to the library if I need a sanctuary. Where it's okay if I don't want to hang out with my friends or I'm kind of upset because well, I have a lot of homework, sabes?

Not like that's happened much there. I love it there. I really do. I feel (relatively) sane there.

Oh ick... they're eating. It's so loud and it smells horrible. CHEW CHEW CHEW. Fatasses. How can you guys eat? You're already so big. CHEWMUMBLEAROUNDFOODCHEWSOMEMORECAUSEI'MAFATPIG.
Shit they're so disgusting. I'm sorry.

Haha I'm just typing like a fiend and texting here and kinda watching them eat but not really noticeably. It's just... revolting.

"I feel sorry for her. She's so messed up - physically and mentally" - about my obese friend who came to visit my mom this past weekend. My mom's comment to me was "please don't become so fat... it's scary" Hahaha. I tried not to laugh.

They're done having breakfast. We're going shopping.

-water bottle
-food for dorm (will not be eaten)
-gum <3

Oh gross. My mom is making soup with meat and my stepdad is like poking at the meat. He keeps yelling at me. Sigh. My stomach hurts. I ate too much last night.

I want to go back home.

Ironic, since most people would consider this home.

Yeah I'm gonna go.

<3 I love you all.

September 02, 2011


Shit I'm home. My last weight (this morning) is the blog title. Blah. Fatass. I'll gain weight this weekend. I know I will. I'm scared. She's already fed me. Pasta and ice cream and organic tomatoes. Oh shit. I'm staying up and exercising. Every night. Fuck fuck fuck.

I hope I stay sane... Please, God, don't let me gain weight. Please!

Gotta go. I'll try to update more often here. Thank you for your comments <3 Anyone know how to comment on Google Reader?

My scale's at university but my mom has a scale so maybe I could use that? It's in her closet though so I don't know. We'll see.

I love you all <3

August 30, 2011


Guess I'm less of a fatass now. Though still pretty fucking big.
It's weird. It's like a switch got flipped in my brain. I've gone from "omg I want to eat everything and throw it all up 500 times!" to "holy shit... I hope I don't have to eat until a week from now.."

But I was talking to this girl and she said she has all these health problems now from what she does/did. That scares me. I want to be healthy. So here's my (flexible) plan. Eat every other day. No more than 500 calories. By "eat" I mean one juice (300cals - half for breakfast, half for dinner) and one protein/energy bar of some kind (no more than 200cals, obviously, this will be lunch). The days I don't eat, I don't consume anything. I'll weigh myself every morning that I can (aka roommate isn't awake/is out). Which might not be every morning. I need to be okay with that.

At first I really didn't want to eat. But honestly the health problems thing scares me. I don't want to be sick. I don't know what I want. But it's not sickness.

I had to write about my last suicide attempt for an English paper. It made me happy. Why? Because I'm way past that now. It's like I'm free from that. It feels amazing. The conditions which caused it are completely reversed now. Everything's okay.

The past few nights I've been sleeping with this one guy. (Almost) Platonic, don't worry. I just... I don't know. I don't want to be by myself. I still don't like some of the things in my mind. Like the whole to eat or not to eat debate. I hate that. But at least the voices aren't so hateful now.

Does anyone still read this?

Any advice on the plan? It makes sense to me. I might skip the lunch/food part. Pure liquids seems nice... and that is a lot of calories...

I had a handful of strawberry candy thingies today and too much water. I threw it up immediately. I weighed myself after that. 1.5kg from the first goal weight. Which is still horribly enormous.

I'll be thin though. I promise. I have to be. <3

August 25, 2011

I think I'll weigh myself once a week. Monday mornings. That should work, right?

Sigh. I don't know.

I'm really sleepy. So are my friends. It's kinda funny. It's also funny how I refer to them for my friends even though I've known them for a week, at most. Woot.

I don't have class until 12:45pm tomorrow, so I'll just stay up later doing homework tonight...yay! Might blog again. I feel like I wanted to say something, but I forget what it was.

It's so cool to have someone here at the university who understands mia =) I mean, it's sad that other people have to deal with it, but at least I don't have to be completely alone...

Can't wait until next week!

August 24, 2011


Fat. I know. Whatever. I'm not sure if I should be writing this. I'm not sure if I care. It's for my sanity, you see. My psychologist told me to journal. I don't journal. So I'll blog.

I can't comment your blogs. I'm reading on Google Reader. I don't want anyone to see what exactly I'm reading. There's not really any privacy here.

I had Indian food with my friend today. For dinner. Then I went and got a Diet Snapple. 0 cals. Or so they say. I need to be thin. I'm so disgustingly fat right now.

I'm meeting that girl from PT next week I think. I'm nervous. She's gonna think I'm a fatass. I know I'm a fatass.

The enter key is weird. Like, it skips a line but it doesn't? I don't know how to explain it.

Haha I've already thrown up once here. I can do this. I'm just scared they'll smell it on my hands, my breath... that would be horrible.

Oh well. Maybe I'll be thin someday.

I don't have any way of hurting myself (easily) and I don't really want one. That's nice. I think all the walking is helpful. It doesn't give me time to be all depressed and shit. And it just makes me happy to always be doing something. I think college is going to cure me of everything. Except my desire to be thin, of course.

Except there are still those fucking memories.

That needle in my hand. For hours. I'm never ODing again. Not like I can. He asked me why I took something that would only hurt me, not something that would make me high, as I was lying in that hospital bed. He didn't understand. I'd done it before. It made everything go away. I just hadn't taken enough this time. And now I can't do it again because even taking 2 pills to make a headache go away makes me nauseated. It's just hard to swallow. I don't want to be in that kind of pain or be back in a hospital with an IV in my hand.

I said no. I hate him for thinking I meant yes.

I'll try to update soon.

I'm really sorry for not commenting your blogs =( if someone knows how to comment from Google Reader, let me know! <3

August 17, 2011


See? Mac users like to waste money and they're completely impractical. =)

Fail fail fail >.< ON SO MANY LEVELS.

The first graph I've seen that isn't true...

Moving in to college tomorrow. Scale is coming with me of course. Hopefully my roommate doesn't ask questions... I can hide it under my bed =)

August 16, 2011

Jenn - Sorry! Blue waffle is freaky O_O

So I'm moving into my dorm on Thursday. I'm not done packing. Not even very close. Sigh. 

I saw Black Swan. Holy fuck.

My phone still doesn't work but I should have one by the end of next week. Texting buddy anyone? =)

I haven't been sleeping well. It's okay. I think I'll sleep better in college.

Feel sick right now and I still need to run to the store.

Peace xx

August 13, 2011

9 Scariest Food Facts

9 Scariest Food Facts

Posted on PT, I'm sharing it with you all =)


Fat cow. Though I suppose the weight might be off since I weighed myself just now and it's...18:43... haha. But still T_T

Today I've had
-1/3rd glass of a protein smoothie thing (mom thinks I don't get enough protein) - purged
-salad (3 leaves Romaine lettuce, shredded, 10 organic cherry(? they're orange) tomatoes, little bit of Italian dressing (50 calories? 100? No idea... there was almost no dressing)
-glass of vanilla almond milk (90 calories)
-too much fucking cereal, dry -purged (fuck knows how many calories remained)
-borsht, half bowl - purged
-glass of raspberry lemonade (well, actually 2, but they were both a half glass of the lemonade, then the rest was water, so calorie-wise, it's a glass of lemonade) -had just before weighing *stupid* (50 calories)

About to go have vegan sushi with mom -_- (I'm having vegan, she's having raw fish), I'll try to purge that obviously XD

So calorie estimate for today is... 100 + 90 + 500 (estimate for cereal) + 90 + 50 = 730? Rounded up for things I didn't know...didn't count stuff that was purged immediately...So, 800 max?

What the fuck.

I thought it was more.

Like thousands.

That's what it feels like.

Listening to The Arcane Dominion by Eluveitie =)

Mom just went to the store. Fuck. She got AlmondDream ice cream, ice cream bites, tofurkey, popcorn, we already have bread... Please don't let me b/p.... T_T Please let there be a god.

I helped my mom cut stuff for the borsht today =) It was fun. I like doing stuff like that. So why do I have to eat that shit after I cut it? But one of the things I cut was beets and my hands were so stained after that =) haha they're washed off now though. Still ^_^

I stole that crossing out thing from another blogger >.< I really like it...

Oh! There's a girl from PT... she goes to the same college I'm going to =) so we traded numbers (I forget if she has mine, but I have hers) and we might meet up on campus ^_^

Beautiful unbeautiful - thank you for your lovely comment =) <3 I'm sorry I can't read your blog =( apparently it has adult comment.

Fuck you, blogger T_T

Gotta say though... this lemonade? It's awesome. 50 calories per glass. But you HAVE to dilute it with water (I do 50% lemonade, 50% water) or else it's disgustingly sweet (I'm guessing... I never drink juice if I haven't mixed it with water first XD) It's called like Tropi50 I think? Something like that. Yummy

Normally I don't like these comics, but this is me when playing Pokemon... -_- LITERALLY


Love you all <3 hope you're doing better than me

August 11, 2011


I need to take a shit.

No joke.

Oh God I feel so sick. There's a lawn mower going and those always give me fucking panic attacks. Thank God for loud music. THANK FUCKING GOD FOR IT.

I met this really cute girl last night. =)

My phone died. No, like, completely. The charger port got jammed into the phone so I can't charge it (the charger can't reach the charger port) and the battery died so I'm phone-less T_T


I don't get vegetarians.

Why be vegetarian? It doesn't really help animals that much... why not just be vegan? It's the milk/egg producing animals that are horribly abused (though the slaughterhouse animals are also abused) and anyway, dairy is bad for your bones... the animal protein takes the calcium out... Ugh.

Thanks for the comments <3


Yep it's really like that =)

Love this show <3


Oh irony >.< like he can talk

My current desktop background =) I take no credit for this

From the same site. I also take no credit for this

Made me laugh =)

PSA. If someone tells you to eat/drink something, DON'T FUCKING DO IT! <3


I got a hair cut. See the ends? It's so short! I love it <3

Sorry for being ugly T_T

Ummmm I don't know what else to say.

Love you all <3 thank you for reading my blog. Comment me if I'm not following your blog so I can follow it <3 

August 06, 2011

One Sentence archive - story #3384

One Sentence archive - story #3384

Holy fuck.

Something to think about.

I'm supposed to be packing.


Let's have a pig roast for the fat pig!

Except no one will eat it cause it's so disgustingly fat.

Binged like a fucker this morning and apparently did NOT throw up enough.

What the FUCK.

Sno - ahh don't die! I wanna read your blog! Haha... where are you from? <3

I'm okay I guess.

I will be if I lose this fucking weight.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Ugh sorry for swearing so much.

I can feel my mood getting more stable though. I'm not as bitchy and shit. That's good I guess.


I don't know.

I need to pack. I'm working on getting my fall clothes packed right now.


It's exciting haha.

No, really, it kind of is.

Best Of Dating Site Murderer: Pics, Videos, Links, News

Best Of Dating Site Murderer: Pics, Videos, Links, News


Flavorwire » How to Drink Like Your Favorite Authors

Flavorwire » How to Drink Like Your Favorite Authors


Should I be worried that my favorite drink combination is vodka and Coke?

And this guy is a heroin addict?

Ugh. >.<

August 05, 2011

Holy fuck

If I hear ONE MORE FUCKING COMMENT about how much Russians suck or how I'm just a stupid Russian bitch or ANYTHING against Russians I am going to... well, I don't know yet, but it might result in me not blogging anymore (do they have internet in mental hospitals?)


Thank you all for your comments <3

Samzi - yay I'm so happy I made you laugh =) your comment just saved my sanity <3

Veetah - haha yes I love Ender's Game <3 ^_^

Kes - Oh God. A Christmas tree. Remind me to stay on your good side. XD But yeah, I'm living in a dorm >.<

Jenn - I'll definitely look into it =D thanks! <3

Apparently I got a new follower

Sadly, I am not deserving of this lovely new follower

I'm a fat fuck

Thank you to the person (not on Blogger, thank fucking God my sanctuary is still holy haha) who called me an "immature Russian whore" =)

Now I need a knife


I love my bracelets

They cover the



Mom made me eat lunch today

At a mediterranean grill

Where you pick out the stuff and they cook it in front of you and serve it to you with your choice of noodles/rice/whatever

She made me eat the whole thing

It hurt

I didn't purge

She was paying attention

I wish I had purged

I got stickers

those letter ones

I put "Mango" on my phone

It's pretty

It makes me smile

Mom's cooking dinner downstairs... I can smell makes me dizzy, makes me want to throw up

I got a pair of ballet flats yesterday, AE jeans (size 4's are a little big on guess that's a good thing? I was too scared to try on the 2's... I'm a fucking fatass) (the dark artist ones... omg <3 if only I was thin), underwear from Victoria's Secret (had a gift card that I got for my birthday, used up the rest of that), and uh... I think that's it? Then I got a pair of basic black/white Converse today =) I was gonna get boots, but I didn't like any of the boots there and the Converse were like BUY ME BUY ME BUY ME! and I'm like "of course...I love you!"

Okay maybe I'm crazy

Then I had lunch


I want to die

I can deal with fat comments (usually.. well, I probably say worse to myself, so I've become used to it haha), generic insults just make me laugh, but attacks on my nationality? They completely tear me apart.

And yet I'm the immature one.



Get me the fuck out of here.

EDIT: I'm okay. I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay.

Parents are going out tonight. I can cry, b/p, whatever in peace. I don't need to hurt myself. I won't. Just don't make me eat. I'll be okay.

August 04, 2011

One Sentence archive - story #2464

One Sentence archive - story #2464

So messed up

I should stop reading these and go to bed

One Sentence archive - story #2480

One Sentence archive - story #2480

I hate some people.

But it makes me wonder.

What if the person had picked up a book on weight loss

but then they saw the recovery books

and they left the weight loss book there in favor of a recovery book?

We'll never know...

This site is like PostSecret on crack without the pretty pictures (which makes me wonder what kind of shitty crack it's on)

August 03, 2011

Surviving the World - Lesson 821 - Santa Claus

Surviving the World - Lesson 821 - Santa Claus

This guy? Yeah... he's a GOD.

(Mostly) clean humor. Like, 99% I'd say. HILARIOUS.

He ALWAYS cheers me up. There has never been an instance where he has not made me feel better.

I want his babies.

Like, I want to be their mother.

Not eat them or whatever.


Just threw up.

One Sentence archive - story #1152

One Sentence archive - story #1152




Jenn and Arya - <3 I'm sorry I can't view your blogs =( it's probably set as having adult content... GAH FUCK YOU BLOGGER!

Jenn... <3 <3 <3 marry me? Haha >.< Ender's Game rules <3

I told my boyfriend to fuck off today.

I've been really pissed off lately.

I've also been really nauseated.

I'm terrified that I'm pregnant or something. This doesn't feel normal.

But I don't know what normal is.

And I've been throwing up every day.

I don't want to be fat.

Though apparently I still am.

What the fuck.

I'll lost weight though.

I'll stop b/ping.

At least in college.

It's so easy here.

I threw up dinner last night.

I wish I had thrown up more.

Mom and I are about to go back to school shopping.

I binged this morning before my weigh in.

Didn't purge.


I hate myself.

Off topic.

Can you guys think of anything not-so-obvious that I need to get for college?


Day 6 - Pet Peeves

I hate people who think their country is divine and every other country is shit. 

The blissfully ignorant also bother me quite a bit. You know... those people who realize they know nothing and yet they're still happy with that and they don't try to learn more? Yeah, those people.

They're/their/there, threw/through (I've seen this on a "perfectionist"'s blog. Goddamn wannarexics.), too/to/two/2. If you don't know the difference between them, just don't use them, okay? Especially if you're a native English speaker and you only know one language. Oh wait... you don't even know one language. Good job!



I tend to rant a bit.

As a reward for putting up with my ranting...

Look at it. LOOK AT IT. Okay. =)

Related to my pet peeves... =)

Okay... actually I don't mind Raven, but... eh... >.< I couldn't resist reposting this!

How things should be =)


Answer in comments =)

Click to make bigger =)

I'm easily amused =)


My Chemistry teacher did a lot of cool fire stuff on the last day of class =) it was awesome. It left a mark on the ceiling. A big black mark. Haha

Thinspo thinspo!

I might or might not be going through a Harry Potter phase


The problem? I have a Kindle. Oh fuck. =P

Comments! Please? What should I bring to college and what's your weapon in the zombie apocalypse (scroll up for rule! Haha) <3

Love you all <3 thank you for reading!

August 02, 2011

Haven't we all...

Haven't we all...

This. This is me.

Holy shit.

They're all true for me O_O I thought I was the only one who did the Disney thing!

One Sentence archive - story #1942

One Sentence archive - story #1942

Sorry for posting so many of these, but they're addicting!

This reminds of me C.

I hate the Steelers now.

Just the site of their little logo or whatever makes me want to cut in a dark corner.

I hate him.

One Sentence archive - story #68

One Sentence archive - story #68

Oh My God.

I'm never having kids.

I don't want them to deal with that

July 30, 2011


Hm I regained a follower =)

So apparently I still lost a little weight after b/p-ing a handful of almonds... that's comforting, cause now I want a pb&j sandwich! Haha XD Oh I'm such a fatass. Maybe I'll just make a salad. Purge it of course.

I don't know what I'll do if I can't purge in college =(


Fatass fatass fatass.

I lost a follower.

I'm sorry.

I'm really pissed off right now and I don't know why.

I'm trying to declutter my room.

I don't know.

I just need to do something.

I think I'll go b/p again.

I want to hurt myself.

I don't feel like cutting or taking pills.

But purging is always nice.




Dragon Army

You might notice the background has been changed =) It's based on the Ender's Game books.

Ender's Game series

Anyway... yeah... XD

I'm sorry if I haven't been commenting =( Blogger won't let me view half of your blogs! It's really pissing me off!

B/p-ed today. Felt good. Can I still b/p in college?

Day 5 - What song inspires you?

Shit... umm...

One Track Minded Age by Broken Iris


July 29, 2011


Oh what a fucking achievement! >.<

You should see the numbers going down my arm... haha I keep writing down all my weights XD

Day 4 - Your Parents

This could get complicated...

I always say I have 4 parents. 2 biological, 2 step. I also have 2 godparents, but they aren't very important. I'll mention them in this anyway. 

I live with my biological mother and my stepfather. My mother is crazy. But then, she raised me by herself. She married my stepfather when I was 7. My stepfather is okay I guess. He's not horrible and he's not amazing. He just is.

My biological father and my stepmother live in Maryland. I don't get along with my father at all. I love my stepmom. She introduced me to Metallica. I introduced her to DragonForce. See why I love her? She's fighting cancer right now. It's going well. I hope she'll be okay.

I don't know my godparents. I've met them, but that was when I was about 6 years old. My godfather lives in Norway. My godmother lives in Sacramento, California. My godfather gave me a doll when I was little. I loved her. She was really pretty. She's been shunned to another bedroom in my house now. I don't really like dolls anymore. I've grown up.

My parents are okay. I won't complain about them. Well, my father, yes. But the rest? Nope... they're fine.


Haha I keep jumping on my scale. My weight keeps fluctuating between 131.4 and 131.0, but the last weight I saw was 131.0

Fuck I'm a fatass

So it's been bothering me... on this one girl's blog, she said she's still a virgin and she wanted to change that this past year, but she didn't. She's almost 20. I'm 17 and I'm not a virgin. Does that make me a slut? =/ Ugh... I don't even really enjoy sex... it just happened... and no, it wasn't forced on me or anything, but I was just like... eh, why not?


I need to get through these questions =)

Day 3 - Your first love

Oh Lord.

We were 12. He went to my church. We were best friends. Then we "fell in love". Haha. 12 year old love... RIGHT. We broke up when we were 13. Hated each other. Talked a little since then, but now we'll probably never talk again. I think we're both okay with that.

We both played Runescape =) 

Good times...

He was my first kiss.

His name was Ben.


He's still alive.

He was there the first time I ODed. He talked me through it, I think. I forget. I was too medicated and shit. That was over a year ago I think. That was the second to last time we talked.

Day 2/131.4lbs

Drank some water before I weighed myself XD genius, I know

I'm bored as hell and too tired/depressed/fat as fuck to go out sooo...


I don't want to do this question thing in college, so I'll try to do all 30 days before August 18 =)

Going through an Ender's Game phase =)

Day 2 - Nicknames


I only have one. Mango.