February 28, 2012


Fucking fatass. Binged yesteday. 410cals total. I know, less than 500cals, I should be happy. But I ATE. And this is what I get for eating.

I'll be gone until March 11. Might post before then. Doubt it. I'm going on a cruise to Mexico.

Oh and... um... =3 I don't know how to say this without being seen as weird or anything but I do want to put it on this blog, since I feel like it's going to be pretty important in my life...

=3 How this happened with me being a lesbian and all is completely confusing. But I have a Master now. He's getting me a purple leather collar. And yes, I do trust him with my life. So... yeah I don't know. We've been really close (friends) for years. Longer than any of my other friends. He reads my mind perfectly. I think it'll be okay...

So... pictures! Random ones >_< WARNING: Some of them might be triggering! Please be careful, my dears. I want you to feel okay. <3

Love you all, my dears. <3

Sorry for the shit post. It'll be better next time!

February 20, 2012

Drug of Choice = League of Legends

My best friend is obsessed with this game. (League of Legends, known as LoL by the players/friends.) Personally, I don't play it, but the graphics certainly are pretty. =)

Warning: Long, picture-filled post ahead.

Here's a Japanese version of the character named Annie who summoned a demon named Tibbers when she was 2 years old. Tibbers is the bear. =)

Click on it to make it bigger. Pretty, non?

La la la my drugs of choice are caffeine and nicotine. I discovered menthol cigarettes the other night at 3am. I'm hooked. So yummy. <3

I've also completely cut up my arm.

I love Christians. Bah.

Nah I know some awesome ones. Oh wait... she converted to Judaism... dunno. I don't instantly hate Christians though. And I'm not just saying that so I don't piss off any Christians who read my blog. >_<

Oh my God. My step-aunt is my friend on Facebook (she's cool) and she saw my status was something along the lines of "waking up to a Facebook status posted by one of my friends that says God is love or some bs like that really sucks" and she messaged me saying that she agrees and if I ever need to talk to someone, I can talk to her. Obviously, I'm not actually going to talk to her. But it was still sweet. =)

Love the book, love the girl. =)

This basically describes my thought process in the past week. Sometimes I seriously wonder if I'm bipolar. But then, I don't think I am. I dunno. Blah. I cycle through moods fast, but we learned in psych111 that that's normal. In biopsychology (what I'm taking this semester), I learned you shouldn't have coke (cocaine) for breakfast. I like the teacher quite a bit. =3

Also me. Without the last part. I'm anxious as hell. It's not anxiety as much as it's unrest. I can't be at peace with myself. More at some times than others, but still. It's driving me insane. I want to cut, punch, throw up, starve myself to sanity.

I walked outside in the cold for 3 hours last night. -3C. Not too cold. Pretty cold without a coat in just a thin sweatshirt and jeans. I kept shivering and telling myself to stop being a dramatic bitch. I must have looked insane. I don't care. I am (going) insane.

My friend is coming in 12 minutes. Hope I finish this post by then... Ahaha I'm sorry I'm probably scaring you.

Images are taking ages to upload on here. >_<
Last bit of ranty bitching I think.


Sorry, I always wish people posted trigger warnings before mentioning stuff like this, so I'm not going to let myself be a hypocrite.

10 minutes until the friend gets here.

We have to read this book called Parable of the Sower for my English class. I was enjoying it. Dystopia, little bit of religion (a little too much, but I could deal with it), slight sex reference, but nothing graphic or triggering.

Then out of nowhere, the 18 year old girl sleeps with (sexually) the 44-ish year old guy. He finds out how old she is and freaks out. Then he wants to marry her. Btw, she slept with him willingly. She practically seduced him. He liked it. It was perfectly consensual.

All I could think was...

So it's wrong for a 44 year old guy to sleep with an 18 year old girl when both parties agree to it, but it's okay for a 42 year old guy to fuck a 17 year old girl against her will?

Which is what prompted the 3 hour walk.

I only had 2 cigarettes though. And a rockstar (240mg of caffeine). I think I handled it quite well.

Didn't even cut myself. That's just a miracle. Or because I ran out of space in my arm to cut. Whatever. If I was desperate enough, I could have done it somewhere else. I'm fat enough that there's plenty of space on me for that.

Happy pic time?

Caffeine-induced insomnia. In cute form.


If you understand this, I will give you a hand-made (by moi) Dragon Army bracelet. Don't expect great things. Ahaha. But I'm not kidding about that.

Feminism-ish at its finest. =)

And because this is a weight loss blog of sorts...

"them"/"they" being the voices in your head, "friends", parents, family, whoever. Dunno.

One of the reasons I need to be thin. So guys wouldn't find me attractive. And if girls don't find me attractive? Well, that's the price I have to pay for freedom.

And just to end this post on the same nerdy note it started on... I leave you with something I find absolutely stunningly beautiful. =)

Love you all. <3

Thank you for the comment, Maja. <3 I think your English is fine. And hey, it's my second language too. =P I get how hard it is.

Ahem. Anyway. Beautiful picture time!

February 12, 2012

I'm nothing without you

Dunno what to say. I decided to start keeping track of calories/weight in a journal that I write in every day. Should I post the entries from it on this blog? I think I will. Only complete days though, so I'm not doing today yet, since today isn't over. Blah. Dunno. Haha I'm really out of it.

Thank you for your lovely comment, Fairy. =)

Picture time?

....PostSecret time?


A model eating a disgustingly large piece of pepperoni pizza. Mindfuck. o_O

My current obsession. If you haven't seen it, it comes in a fairly big can (2 servings per can) and it's 20cals/can. Gets me hyper as fuck. This one especially, since this particular one contains 240mg of caffeine. =D Some of the others have like 160mg, which kinda wakes me up, but doesn't make me all happy and hyper.

My best friend here is leaving the university. I'm gonna miss her like crazy. I already do.

That picture makes me smile. Don't really know why, but it does. =3

Ehh... I don't even know why I'm posting. 

Goodnight, my lovelies. <3

February 10, 2012

Chrono Trigger

Nope this post has nothing to do with the game, but I love the game and I couldn't think of another title.

I got a tattoo on Wednesday.

Please ignore the face in the background. >_< I suck at taking webcam pics.

The angle is a little weird, but it says Free.

It makes me happy. =)

And yes, it is permanent. Ahaha my dad asked if it was permanent when I texted him and told him today. My mom and stepdad saw it on Facebook and said they liked it. =)

Dunno what to say.

Pic time?

Theme: Pokemon with random shit thrown in.

Never eating again. Why? My food will never be as cute as this. ^
I really want this!

Why am I jealous of her? Because she has a TOGEPI. Oh my God. T_T
Look at the dress. LOOK AT IT.

Thank you for the lovely comment, Maja =) I'm sorry I don't comment your blog... I just can't read it. >_<


Edit: Totally forgot to mention this but... while I was getting the tattoo, the guy (who was so nice <3 <3 <3) was talking to me and I asked how much it would hurt (cause I'm terrified of needles) and he was like "well, not that much. But if it didn't hurt, everyone would do it." and I was like O_O


Yep. =)

February 07, 2012

Nothing else can save me

S.O.S. ~ Mamma Mia

I have a cold right now. This includes having a really weird sounding voice thanks to my cough (= almost losing my voice all the time). This does not stop me from throwing up every day. Woot.

Why did I mention that I have a cold? Well, for one, I'm on cough syrup right now (how many calories? I don't know. Yes I am terrified.) so I can't really think.

Don't Stop Believing ~ Journey

I had to go to the health center (my friend took me to make sure I went) yesterday. I was freaking out so bad cause I thought they would notice that I make myself throw up a lot. Apparently I shouldn't have worried about that. I should have been more worried about how cut up my arm was. Fuck. I told the doctor that I fell on a barbed wire fence and she seemed to believe me though. Haha. Hopefully that'll be okay.

Day 10 - something you're afraid of
Being discovered. If someone found out about what I do (purging/cutting), that would be...horrible. =/ That's probably one of my worst fears.
I feel like I should have said gaining weight. But for some reason being discovered is an even worse fear. Barely.

Thinspo/inspiration because I haven't done this in months =) and I think I should do it more... looking it up was fun!

Try to guess the theme. =P

A girl can dream, right? =)