November 27, 2010

Be careful what you wish for

You just might get it.


Apparently I can't eat without feeling really nauseated now. I have no idea why. I guess I shouldn't complain, but it's kinda scaring me.

Hm. A cute guy found my old WordPress blog ( and he wrote a poem about how he wishes I wouldn't hurt myself and how he can't live without me.... it was really sweet, even if I don't believe most of it XD

Not much to say.

Thanksgiving wasn't too bad. My stepbrothers (18 and 20 something) were there and they kept distracting my parents by being boys, so I got away with half a salad and a glass of wine. =) Have I mentioned that being vegan in a meat-loving family is awesome?


November 24, 2010


It's going to suck.

So last night, my mom ran into the mom of my former classmate. Oh wait.. apparently she's not my former classmate anymore though because she switched to my school (Feel free to skip this part... or any of the post for that matter, but I just want to clarify this for the curious: We used to go to a private school together - 42 kids total in our graduating class, so everyone was really close. Then I decided to go to a public school for high school. Apparently this girl has now transfered to the high school I go to). Oh, and she's a grade below me now, even though we were in the same class back at the private school. Why? Because she was hospitalized for anorexia.

We were never really best friends, but we were in the same clique in elementary school before I decided they were too preppy and I went off to form my own clique. And I was just like... fuck what just happened? She was always so perfect, so happy. The perfect preppy school-loving athlete. I mean, seriously. Everyone was jealous of her and she was always so nice to everyone. And she was anorexic in high school?? I guess it was bound to happen. But still. It just really messed me up.

And now I'm reading blogs written by these idiots (NOT ALL OF YOU ARE IDIOTS. IN FACT, MOST OF YOU AREN'T... this is just being addressed to the insensitive piles of merde who ARE idiots) who are all "anorexia is a lifestyle, not a disease! It's a choice!" Fuck you. Just fuck you. A lifestyle does not take over your mind and kill you or put you in the hospital for so long that you have to drop down a grade.

Wasted (by Marya Hornbacher) is NOT thinspirational. How the hell do people get that??? It's about torture, death, pain, lies... Or is that thinspirational now?

Fuck. Some people are fucking idiots.

Yeah I'm kinda pissed off right now

November 21, 2010


My stepsister and her husband and their baby are here this weekend. Sigh. So that means I get to eat with them, because that's what families do! Oh fuck that... But I exercised after dinner (which included wine, thank fucking God), so hopefully it wasn't too much damage. So yesterday I had...

10 almonds
half an apple
A banana
12 pieces of whole wheat pasta with tomato sauce
handful of salad with DRESSING (ugh)
glass of wine

Yay I'm a fatty!
What will today bring? This week? This year?



Thanks for reading this, stranger

November 17, 2010


The teachers who used to love me see me as their worst student now. I can see it in the way they look at me, the way they talk to me and avoid looking at me. I'm a disappointment. I'm just another one of those seniors who gives up.

Sleep? What's sleep? Why would I ever need it? I ask myself as I drink my diet coke at 1am. Go to school and sleep. What did we do today? We had a quiz? I don't remember taking any quizzes...

I used to be a perfect student. Every teacher's dream student. I didn't really try, it mostly came naturally to me.

Now? I just don't give a fuck.

My Stephen King books are more interesting (I'm currently reading the Drawing of the Three)



It's not like anyone cares.

She made me eat vegan mac and cheese today. And almonds.

And she didn't let me throw up.


November 16, 2010


Hmm... So I'm going to do a bit of advertising. Why? Because I've found something that makes me happy. Appleseed (click me!) It's basically this rifle/history thing. It's fun! There was one 3 hours away this weekend and my stepdad and I went and it was fun. I got to spend a day (it's a two-day thing, but I spent Sunday just hanging out and reading (The Gunslinger by Stephen King) and doing homework) playing with a rifle =D On my first try, I hit this square that was the size of a person's head if the person was 250meters away... So that was pretty exciting! Ok, it was pure luck.. but ya know.

This isn't mine! Just a Google Images thing, but yeah... XD It's that square on the left. You actually shoot from 25meters away, but the *size* is as if it's 250meters away. So. Yes.

Then we did these things called AQT's (Army Qualifying Tests, I think) and if you get like, over a certain score (200 something I think) you got a little Rifleman badge and it basically means you're fucking sweet.

Yeah that's it =) I failed miserably on mine, but it's ok! Usually takes a lot of practice to do well.

Night_Flower, thank you! =) I love your like header pic on your blog btw... It's so pretty! <3

So I just realized there's a link to my blog on PrettyThin... I'm excited =) Makes me happeh. And I have 12 followers <3 <3

This weekend I was doing 170 cal days. 140cals of coke and 30cals of miso soup. Worked perfectly, though I was/am all dizzy... Ah well! It's worth it. My legs are covered in blood. Ugh. Oh well. I like the pain. It's comforting.

I can't wait until I graduate and get out of here. Ugh

S&M (Metallica...) is heavenly. Metal + symphony. So... perfect. Listening to Devil's Dance right now. Wherever I May Roam is better. I'm referring to the s&m versions of these two btw... XD


If you read this, you're awesome!

November 11, 2010

Comfortably dizzy

I'm so dizzy these days that I'm used to it. It's just this thing in the background that I have to deal with and not let anyone see. No of course the world isn't spinning what are you talking about I'm perfectly fine smile laugh play with food don't eat don't eat don't eat just dissect it.

Jade, thank you =) This is why I love this world... it's like, someone can relate to what I'm saying, so I'm not so alone....

I wish I could take care of my cuts, but the antibiotic shit in my house has randomly disappeared. Back to soap and water I suppose... But then, that's probably a good thing. I could probably use up a whole tube of it just to cover the cuts I have now.

41% of my page views are on Google Chrome. If you use Chrome, you get a gold star =D


I went to the grocery store today with my stepdad. He called me fat and kept trying to get me to eat. Ugh. And he wouldn't let me get diet coke, just regular. *sob* Apparently diet soda is like, satan? I don't know

So I was wandering around the store staring at fat people and food... Oh so much food I could eat it all and throw it all up and be lovely and empty and sick and disgusting and fat and thin and I just want to go away. I cut my stomach before we left (on purpose, don't worry) and the cuts kept hurting but it's ok because pain reminds me of how horrible and fat and disgusting I am


November 05, 2010


I think I'm going crazy. It's like, I'm not control of my mind anymore. And I fucking hate that. I just keep having these moments where I don't want to talk to anyone, I just want to take far too many pills and wait until I'll be happy again... if I ever will be. But the pills will help. How? I don't know.

I don't know what I'm blogging about.

I just wanted to get that out.

My body is covered in cuts and it hurts to walk, to sit, to stand, to be.

I wish I was fatter so I could have more space to cut.

I wish I was thinner so I could be considered human.

November 02, 2010


I've given up and I don't care

The beginning of My Spirit Will Go On by Dragonforce is pretty =)

I don't really know what to say.

I wish I knew how much I weighed.

No school today.

Still have Calculus though. Sigh.

Yesterday 25% of my class didn't go to school, so now we might not get a senior skip day in the spring. Or our exam opt out privilege will be taken away. I'm not sure which one I care about more. Or if I even care about either of them.

Make it go away