August 20, 2017

8/20/17

I got a raise. $11.50/hr now. How exciting.

My boyfriend still refuses to acknowledge that I want to break up with him. I'm not sure how he doesn't get it. I don't even try to hide my irritation with him or the fact that I don't want to be with him.

I think he's just using me for my money. I work 35-40 hours a week. He works 20-25 and makes like $9/hr.

Not my fault he isn't trying to better himself. Why does he insist on dragging me down with him?

August 13, 2017

8/13/2017

Hm. Not sure what to say really. I've decided to take days off from eating to relieve stress. Who needs to eat every day? I have to eat today but tomorrow will be a blissful break from that <3

August 06, 2017

8/6/17

My coworker made a joke about me self harming last night. That was not what I needed. I'm really trying to quit and I'm doing pretty well. It's been a few months since my last slip up.
This is the same coworker who is one of those slutty *gamer girls* who plays one or two games a little bit and thinks she's a hardcore gamer.
Ugh.

July 30, 2017

7/30/17

I'm in this strange place where I'm slowly but very surely falling toward the "I don't care. What's the point of eating ever again?" mindset. The scary part is that it's starting to slip into drinking as well. The act of drinking water even seems greedy and selfish and unclean.

On the positive side, my sprained foot is healing well I think. It's hurting a lot less.

July 09, 2017

7/9/17

Throwing up.
Blood.
It was brown.
At least I think it was blood because I hadn't eaten anything brown or even remotely close.
Lately I've just been drinking water to throw it up.
Fuck food.



I'd rather not eat than throw up blood though. And obviously eating isn't the issue, but the fact that I love the feeling of control I get when my fingers are deep in my throat.
I'm pretty sure my fingers are permanently scarred from my teeth hitting them.
The scars make me smile.

It's all about control.

July 02, 2017

7/2/17

Drank and threw up a bottle of wine for breakfast. Everything kept moving, even when I was sitting down. Nothing ever stays still. Nothing feels permanent. It feels so delicate. Like a thin ice wall about to break.

June 25, 2017

6/25/17

I throw up 2-3 times a day, including at work.
At home, with my boyfriend in the next room.
I don't even give a fuck anymore.

June 11, 2017

6/11/2017

I had oatmeal for dinner last night. 120 calories. I'm having tea for breakfast today. 5 calories, even though the box says 0. I don't trust things.

My mother is taking me, my boyfriend, and her husband out for dinner tonight. I'm absolutely terrified so I might get a few energy drinks because they'll boost my metabolism. I've only lost 0.4lbs since yesterday. Fuck.

May 21, 2017

5/21/17

I work 6 days a week, 30+ hours. I realize that's not much for most people but that's more than I can handle, especially since it's around food/alcohol.

I'm basically constantly drunk/tipsy.

I feel like I have no control over anything.

May 14, 2017

5/14/17

The boyfriend was out of town for mother's day weekend so last night I got absolutely fucked up on 2 bottles of wine. So I didn't sleep last night. I got like 2-3 hours of sleep after 7am. I don't remember how much since I kept waking up.

I've been throwing up a lot too. Half on purpose, half not. I just can't stand having anything inside me.

And I've been taking my valium like, randomly, just because I feel like it. I told my boyfriend I flushed it down the toilet. It's hiding with my feminine hygiene products, wrapped up in paper.

I don't know what's going on anymore but I think I clearly need help. I just don't have time, with work and shit, to find a therapist. 

April 16, 2017

4/16/17

So I broke my tooth while wasted beyond all belief on Valentine's Day. Not sure if I mentioned this.
Ever since then, due to the dental procedures involved in fixing my teeth, I haven't been able to make myself sick.

This is literally killing me. Like, I've been making myself throw up multiple times a day (with a few exceptions, like when I stupidly tried "recovery") since I was in my early teens. So to not be able to do that all of a sudden is literally pure torture.

And apparently I don't know how to eat without being able to throw up. So I've gained like 10lbs. Guess who is freaking the fuck out.

I'm terrified.

I don't know what's going to happen to my mental health before May 2, which is when I get my permanent crowns and can hopefully go back to throwing up everything.