December 29, 2011

Sorry for posting so much...

The cat is walking on my stomach and she keeps stepping on my hip bone. I'm happy that it hurts. It reminds me that it's there. That I do have beautiful bones just begging to be released from this fat body.

I love it when the cat's in my lap =) it's so relaxing to have a cute kitty curled up on me when I've taken my Sudafed so I can enjoy it without like dying.


December 28, 2011

Christmas summary

Well. Christmas wasn't too bad. Like Maja said, it's not really Christmas without snow. But I did have fun. On Christmas day, we went to one of my distant relatives' house and it's out in the country. There's a guy who lives behind their house and I believe he's either a really, really close family friend or her father-in-law... haha this family is very confusing. Anyway, he owns horses and I've ridden his horses before. So while everyone was cooking, doing yardwork (aka cutting down trees for the fireplaces), running around chasing the dogs/chickens (the kids), or just chilling out (the great-grandparents), this guy and I (and a few other people who slipped in an out of this activity as they desired) went horseback riding. He had just gotten two new horses that he was trying to get broken in so they'd be cool with the farm and people riding them and stuff. They're walkers. If you don't know horses, this means that they have slightly different gaits than the average horse (they have another level of walking which most horses don't do) and their gaits are really smooth.

New paragraph. Take a breath. Haha I love horses too much...
The horse I was riding was named Desmond. My stepaunt (her house was where we were all meeting for Christmas) was a pretty good horseback rider, but she said she couldn't get him into a canter the other two times she rode him. I got him to canter quite a bit in the meadows around the farm. It was awesome... his canter was heavenly once you actually got him into it, which took a bit of persuasion. Don't worry, I only kicked him once and I would never use a crop on him! Even if they had crops... not sure if they did. Then we went on a trail ride through the woods. He was so well-behaved... ah it was wonderful.

Then, because we hadn't had enough horse-ness, the horse owner and I went out in the wagon (he had been giving rides in it all afternoon while I was riding Desmond) and he taught me how to drive a horse-pulled wagon. We went out on the road to his friend's house, where the lady offered me a drink. Apparently they didn't have water (what the FUCK?), so I thought iced tea would be safe. Theoretically, it would be. But hers was sweetened. Holy shit. My only comfort as I took a sip and set the glass down was that it was the first thing I'd consumed all day and I'd probably burned a lot of calories riding Demsond for a few hours earlier.

Then we came home (aka to the stepaunt's house) and had dinner. It included sherry and wine. Haha. My dad kept glaring at me when I took a sip of whatever I was drinking, which was ridiculous, since I mostly drank water. I only had 2 glasses of wine. Haha. I slept amazingly well that night. Alcohol is good for that. I know, I know, high calorie shit, but if that's all I had and a pretty good workout with horseback riding that day, I think it's okay. The good night's sleep was almost worth it.

And now I'm hanging out with my biological father's cat and all Sudafed-ed up because I'm allergic to cats. Thankfully, Sudafed is something you can take without food. Yay!

Haha okay there was a lot of horse-ness in that post... I apologize... >_<


How are you all doing? <3

Oh and Merry Christmas, my dears! Or whatever other holiday you celebrate.

Hopefully it's not too stressful... I know I was worried as hell on Christmas morning. You should see my legs... the sharpie covering a few of the cuts is still clearly visible... >_<


Love you all. <3

December 24, 2011

Christmas break

Oh wait... I should be all pc and call it WINTER break.
And, fittingly, I'm reading Wintergirls.
Except it's not snowing here. At all. T_T

Oh and I keep throwing up and cutting and shit. It's pretty exciting. My throat and stomach hurt from dry heaving (on purpose, what would that be called?)

I promise I'll start commenting on your blogs (and continue throughout next semester!) in the next 2 weeks unless circumstances go far beyond my control.

I'm a horrible blogger.

I love you all. <3

December 12, 2011


Wow. Thanks guys.

Im pretty boring though. I throw up every day and its gross and Im really going to stop.

I accidentally cut today before my Chinese final. The final was easy. Thank God its cold out so I can wear long sleeves.

I dunno what I want to say.

I am determined to be better. Healthy.
No throwing up.
As little cutting as possible.
No diet soda or crappy school or Starbucks coffee.
Read more.


Im reading Under the Dome by Stephen King. I have a final on Wednesday and another one Thursday. Going to see my dad on Friday. Im staying there over break. Anyone in the Baltimore Maryland area...text or email me please...Im scared of going crazy there.

December 03, 2011

To respond to a comment...I have no idea how my hands turned blue. They felt warmer than usual which isnt saying much since theyre usually freezing...I thought they were normal body temperature but my mom touched my hand and said it was cold so I dunno...

I throw up every day now. Sometimes twice a day. Today my friend asked me if there was anything I was good at...anything I was proud of...I couldnt think of anything.

Im getting 95s and 98s on quizzes in Chinese. Fuck. I need to study more.

Im wearing leggings and a short warm dress today. It makes me look fat. I am fat.

I cant concentrate on one thing.

I need sleep.

Im sorry.