4:08pm

That awesome moment when you're throwing up and the food starts coming out by itself without any help from you...^_^ Like, thank you, body, I'm glad we both agree on where food *doesn't* go.

Work tonight... ugh.

12/31/15

Goodbye, no longer safe food. One rice cake (35) with 1.5tsp raspberry jam (2 tbsp is 35, so total this is less than 70).
But the rice cake part freaks me out. The jam freaks me out. So, no longer safe.

Safe foods:
-half cup frozen berries with half cup fat free vanilla yogurt (mixed)
-goldfish
-veggie burger
-skittles
-monster rehab
-hot apple cider (Keurig)
-half cup chickpeas with half cup bell pepper/onion (with a dash of salt)
-quorn cutlet with half cup corn
-chai latte (Keurig)

No more than 2 of these per day.
Fuck.

not me XD

Boyfriend and I put up our Christmas decorations today. There's a lot of glitter involved. <3

12/20/15

Lunch from the other day. I only had one of the pieces of candy (they're 20 calories each!) and the chocolate bar I'm holding is something my boss's wife made for us. They're really sweet and rich, but I thought as long as I didn't have too much and just limit it to a small piece and keep my intake down for the rest of the day, I'd be fine.

Also I just really like pretty food, like the candies.

12/19/15

I'm going to try to lose 2kg for every 7 days, and if I don't meet that goal, I'll just lower my intake until I do reach it, then up it again for the next goal, if that makes sense?

I snacked at work yesterday on salmon (2 bites), 1 bite of tomato/avocado/onion mix, 1 veggie grape leaf, 2 pieces of baked zucchini, and a bite of a chocolate/caramel bar. What in fuck. No wonder I'm so fat. =( Still ate less than my coworkers (they were all eating steak by the handful and grabbing another piece of the chocolate/caramel thing whenever they walked by it), but that doesn't excuse my behavior.

not me

12/15/15

I've been reading a lot. Even though it's finals week and I should be studying. Oops. I guess it's too late to cram for finals anyway. I either know things or I don't. I can't wait until winter break. I'll be working a lot = calorie burning, but I won't have to worry about schoolwork, so I can starve away.

Summary of past few days

Dec 10
900 calories
Dec 11
820 calories
Dec 12
1 million calories
Dec 13
1 billion calories

Today
300 so far. It's 1:23pm and I have an exam in 2 hours

Blah

I've been purging again. Kinda pissed. I thought I was done with this bs but apparently not. So now I get to leave for work in a few minutes feeling like crap after throwing up spicy food. Fuck.
Hopefully it's a nice, slow day at work. Or a super busy one so the time goes by quickly. I dunno.

I texted my mom last night because my boss wanted to ask her something and she didn't reply. Still hasn't, and it's been almost 24 hours. I'm scared she's pissed at me because she found out I'm doing horribly in my classes again this semester. Oh well. Whatever. I don't care about college. I just want to starve and be thin and independent. Fuck responsibility.

12/3/15

I saw my ex on my way back from class yesterday. He was walking with some chubby chick in trashy sweatpants who I assume is the girl he's dating. I was with my boyfriend. I keep remembering it and it's making me sick. I'm surprised that they're still together. Shortly after he moved out to live with her, she sent me a message and asked me if it was normal for him to have fits of uncontrollable anger. I told her yes and encouraged her to seek help or contact the police if she felt unsafe.
But then it kept bugging me that he would happily hit me and choke me when he was stressed/had a bad day/was angry, but he wouldn't do that to someone else. Does that mean there's something so awful about me that a supposedly nice guy because violent around me?

My current boyfriend is awesome. He's cuddly and affectionate and gives me space when I need it and doesn't question my weird eating habits too closely. Mostly because he's a bit weird too. I don't think it's disordered. I think it's just the weird habits of someone who has a strange work schedule and only eats when they're hungry, which most people don't do.

12/1/15

Tea is the best <3

I had a muffin, plain rice cake, half teaspoon peanut butter, and a string cheese yesterday. Boyfriend tried to get me to have coffee (loaded with sugar and calories) but I took a few sips and put it in the fridge. I feel bad for wasting food (drink?), but that's better than taking in the 400 calories that drink probably was!