March 30, 2016


I'm sick right now. Just a cold most likely (like, 99% sure). Still sucks though. At least it's a good excuse to not eat.

My therapist wants me to get a medical checkup from a doctor because she's concerned about my health because I've been purging more. I think she's over-reacting. It's not that bad.

March 26, 2016


Thank you, Sam <3

To avoid purging, I'm just liquid (water/tea) fasting for the next week, except a 110 calorie breakfast bar before work. I'll definitely need that today since I'm working a double shift.

March 24, 2016


Purged a ton today and got dizzy at work. Boyfriend is leaving for the weekend tomorrow night. I hope I don't spend the entire weekend purging,

March 23, 2016


Bella and Sam, thank you for your encouraging comments.

It may be that my therapist thinks that my purging is related to my anxiety (I may have given her that impression >_<), so she thinks that dealing with the anxiety will help the purging as well.

I have no clue if it will or if I even want it to.

I realized recently that Kind breakfast bars (110 calories each), broccoli (steamed), baby carrots (cut long-ways into fourths), and thinly sliced radishes are basically my only safe foods =/ Veggie burgers and tuna make me way too anxious. They're too high calorie (yes, I know tuna has fewer calories than those Kind bars, but then I get anxious because it's an animal and ... ugh.)

Also, those sparkling ICE waters are so good <3

March 21, 2016


So I told my therapist today about my purging and how it seems to be getting a bit out of hand. But she's still focusing on my anxiety and how uncomfortable I am with it. She might be right, I don't know. She did say she has a plan for me and outlined it today - first, she wants me to feel like her office is a safe space for me, then she wants to help me make the rest of my life feel safe for me, and after that she wants to deal with my "emotional issues" stemming from all the bad things that have happened to me.

No clue if it'll work but we'll see. I don't think I'll be bringing up eating issues with her again. I'll just lose as much weight as possible. It's clearly not an issue.

March 20, 2016


I wish I could just eat normally, or really, eat at all without getting anxious. But that's not gonna happen =/ I also wish I could discuss that with my therapist but there's no way in hell I want my only coping mechanism to be taken away from me.

March 16, 2016


Boyfriend wanted to go to Chipotle for lunch. The second he asked me what I wanted (because there was no way I was going to communicate that to the employees myself), I ran out of the place and burst into tears.


March 12, 2016


black swan in China 
university campus in China
I'm working another double shift today at work so my boyfriend is getting me a Monster Rehab <3

Apparently I'm getting trained as an opener this summer (we only have 2 right now), which means I'll be getting a key to the restaurant. O_O Kinda exciting that the owner trusts me that much! I'm done with the first part of my shift for the day today - the head chef sent me home early because she knew I was working again tonight. She's awesome to work with and it was really relaxing at work today, even though we were busy prepping loads of food (veggies mostly ^_^) for the next evening/week. Last night I got super stressed and I just kept thinking "if I was thin, the head chef (evening chef, not day chef) wouldn't be such a bitch to me and I should just never eat again" It was really upsetting =/ Like I came home in tears and binge watched Scrubs with my boyfriend.

My best friend's father passed away Thursday night and I'm not sure how to help him. 

Thank you, Sam <3 (my best friend's name is Sam O_O)

I did the quest on Destiny to become a stormcaller, which means I can kill enemies by electrocuting them and stuff. So that's pretty exciting.

March 09, 2016


place setting from a dinner at the university where I was studying in China 
black swan in China =)
I had a day off from work yesterday and the weather was gorgeous (it got up to 21 degrees!) so the boyfriend and I walked around for a few hours. Also, I got max level in Destiny. XD Sadly, it's supposed to rain today. But I'm working tonight anyway so that doesn't matter too much.

In the interest of being healthy, I went grocery shopping yesterday and got a bag of frozen broccoli/cauliflower, a pack of veggie burgers, a box of 100-calorie cups of Italian ice, fat free yogurt, and granola. The yogurt/granola is for work because I learned the hard way that if I don't eat, I get really sick and dizzy =/

Look at me being all grown up =P

@Aye - the gum thing is an oral fixation thing for me I think. I love minty ones especially. But candles? Yeah the food-scented ones are my weakness T_T

March 06, 2016


A little wooden box from home =)

I have a gum problem T_T 
And a candle problem T_T

China =)

I survived yesterday! Getting a day off today and going back to work tomorrow. Woot.

Also dinner at my mom's tonight. Kinda scary but I'm determined to be cool =P

Thank you for all your lovely comments, Sam <3

March 05, 2016


Doing a double shift at work today. Whee. (That's not a bad as it sounds. We open at 12 - though I had to be there at 11 - and close at 10 - though I'll probably stay later to clean up the kitchen. Also, I got off work at 3:20 and I'm going back at 6, so I get a few hours break)

Spring break started yesterday but I'm working every day of it except Tuesday and Sunday. Once again, whee. XD

Whatever. Work is fun and it burns loads of calories. Also getting to be around delicious food is honestly pretty fun. I mean, I get to mess around with it and no  one expects me to eat it. How is that not perfect?

March 01, 2016


ceramic potatoes in a shop by my apartment 

the hotel i stayed in my last night in China, right by the airport
I can't believe it's already March.

I had therapy yesterday and for breakfast I ate a banana and threw it up immediately. I didn't mention this to my therapist. Oh well. She's more focused on my anxiety anyway.