December 29, 2010

New Years

I haven't figured out what I'm doing for it yet. The idea of mixing every pill I can find and vodka is tempting though... But I think I should make new years resolutions. I know it's total shit, but I like traditions. Haha. So... new years resolutions

-Get under 100lbs (should be easy... and much easier to know if I achieve it if I get a freaking scale... GAH)
-Stop sticking my fingers down my throat
-Stop falling for guys

3 is a nice number =)

Haha so I've barely been sleeping lately... If anyone's an insomniac and wants a midnight (or 4am XD) texting buddy, comment or email me... Or if you just want a texting buddy.

So something... odd has been happening recently. Example: I was exercising last night and I really didn't want to do any more crunches and it was like I was arguing with this voice in my head and eventually I gave in. It was kinda...scary. I always thought I was in control

My stepdad keeps saying he doesn't think I eat =/ Sigh. This means he's happily stuffing food down my throat whenever he sees me. I'm already too fat =/ This is killing me

Sorry about how scattered this post is >.< I just don't really have anything interesting to talk about


Do any of you have new years resolutions? =)

December 25, 2010


So I'm in MD. I'm kinda nervous about blogging from here, but I NEED to blog!

Konrad, who are you? o.O

For those who don't know.... The Kindle is Amazon's reader. It's this little device you can read books on. And listen to music and go on the internet, but mostly it's for reading. I already read Fight Club on it and now I'm reading this interesting book called Restricted (Yep it's an ED one). I adore it =D

We're (my stepmom and I, my dad is sulking in his room cause he hates metal) listening to metal... it's calming =) Metallica, Dragonforce, Black Sabbath, Rob Zombie, AC/DC, Aerosmith... the good stuff!

Ugh there's been so much eating recently. And not anywhere enough exercise. We went to the park last night and I was acting like a hyper kid and I ran and it felt so perfect, so right... I love running =)

I got a cute new black coat from Guess for Christmas. And a pile of money haha. Um... yeah XD Rest of the stuff isn't worth mentioning.


I miss my computer! I'm on a Mac! The horror O.O


Love, Vampire

December 20, 2010


I can blog from this baby. Fuck yeah.
Vampire is happy.

Miss you lovely ladies <3

December 19, 2010

Tortured bliss

Fuck if I know what I'm talking about.

I can feel myself gaining and I hate myself for it. My mom's leaving tomorrow before I get home from school. She's going to Russia for 2 weeks. So it'll just be my stepdad and me here. I hope he doesn't make me eat. He probably won't, but who knows?

chaotic beauty <3

unbeautiful haha thank you that made me smile =) And yeah, I love killing hill and ice giants on Runescape ^_^ Hill giants are like level 28, so great for ranging.. *nerd*

Thank you for the comments, ladies =) I really appreciate it.

My stepsiblings are coming over today (any minute actually) and my mom expects me to eat with them... Sigh. I'll just tell her I had a big breakfast or something.

I've kind of... forgotten about D. No, not forgotten. Just like... my mind has, if that makes sense? All that matters now is losing weight, exercising, avoiding food, GETTING TO A FUCKING SCALE.... Who has time for boys?

He keeps trying to get back with me and he's being really persistent, but I don't have time for boys. I'm too fat to be in a relationship.

I keep reading on blogs/PT (yeah I'm back on PT! Though I might leave... ugh... whatever, not the point) that like... girls want to keep their boobs and butt and stuff even when they lose weight. Because they want to be attractive to guys.

Am I just fucked up cause I don't want to seem attractive to guys at all? I just want to disappear from their sight... from everyone... I don't deserve to live, to breathe, to consume anything. I'm too fat, disgusting, stupid, pathetic, ugly.... I could go on for ages.

Though I'm sure you girls don't read my blog to hear be bitching about life (not really sure why you read it... but hey, I have followers! YAY!) so I'm just gonna stop here...


December 18, 2010

Numb (I feel so numb...)

unbeautiful.. the pills thing is more for legal reasons than anything else. >.< Temptation's always there and I can quite easily hurt myself without anything besides my nails. And I'm not laughing about your names ^_^ Well... not to your face anyway =P

D and I are over. Sigh. Ah well. Whatever. I'll find someone else. Or just be alone. I have a bag of almonds in my room. Not really sure how that happened... I keep forgetting stuff. I'll be somewhere and I'll have no memory of getting there. I had my calc exam yesterday. Hahaha. It was a fucking joke. I don't know shit.

Mom's still on this eating thing with me. I think that's how the almonds got here.

I really thought he was the one. I can't believe it's over... completely over... Is it really over?

But it is. He keeps saying he knew he would lose me, he wants me back and he'll do anything... but it can never happen. No matter what.

I'm sorry for being so fucking emo =/

Until It Sleeps (S&M) by Metallica is fucking amazing

December 16, 2010

J'aimerais tellement

I don't know.

Comments make me happy =)

Jenn and unbeautiful, yeah we can be friends on RS ^_^ My name's UndeadMango... Don't laugh -.- I'm probably changing it soon anyway XD And yeah... just for the record, it really is worth paying if you play a lot, cause the members only skills/quests freaking OWN. You have no idea!

Iris, thank you ^_^ I did enjoy mine! This is my last year of snow days... college next year =( Ahh...

I broke a nail today >.< It was all bloody and gross.

So... D has said I should blog about him. And since I love him to death (shut up shut up shut up he's not like the other guys I know he's not... he's perfect) I decided I'll do that ^_^ Hmm... what about him though? Besides how adorable and sweet and loving and perfect he is... Haha. I'm sure you lovely readers would get bored reading that. Though for the record, I've never blogged that about ANYONE else.


Calc final is tomorrow. I'm going to fail and I don't give a fuck as long as it's not a WF.

I'm fat. That's about all I know about my weight. Sigh. I got more pills. They're tempting, but D is more tempting so I'll stay away from them for now =)

I'm thinking I shouldn't carry them in my purse (at school) though... Could get in trouble. Not like they search our stuff, and they definitely wouldn't search mine cause I'm a perfect student, but ya know...


Ugh my English teacher is being a creeper. He remembers everything I say... It scares me =/

And on that note...

They Always Come Back by I Am Ghost <3

I love you and D <3

Byes! <3 <3


December 13, 2010

Snow Day

The plan for today (Yay I have a plan!)
-Clean (to make the parents happeh and give me something to do)
-Runescape cause I'm a nerd
-Sprite Zero (have I mentioned my love for this? IT'S SO FUCKING AMAZING!)

Hmm.... I think that's it =)

Elara, Runescape isn't free for me XD I pay for a membership cause... well, it's 100x better with a membership!

Thank you for the kind comments, Elara and Sophie <3

So I've been thinking... people binge when they don't get enough sleep (at least, I'm sure that's at least one major cause of it), so instead of stuffing calories down your throat, why can't you just take some sleep meds (NOT OVERDOSE!) and sleep? It's good for you and most of us probably don't get enough sleep anyway... Yeah this is probably pathetically obvious but you chose to read my blog so now you have to deal with my stupidity ^_^ Or I suppose you could leave, but that would make me sad =(

I'm currently listening to Soldiers of the Wasteland by Dragonforce =) I love it

And I want to say this to anyone who comments my blog... I will follow your blog if you comment mine (and actually read it, obviously XD) unless you don't know how to capitalize, spell reasonably well (everyone, including me, makes mistakes sometimes...), or use proper punctuation and grammar. So if your blog is "hai todai i eated a pice offf stoof" then I'm really not going to waste my time deciphering it... XD I just wanted to say that. In case someone gets offended that I'm not following them. But I think I do follow most of my (few >.< But very much loved and appreciated!) commenters...

Love all of you lovely ladies! (And any guys who read this too, of course ^_^)

December 11, 2010


What's that? Haha. I don't really plan anymore. I'm too busy not knowing what I'm doing to plan.

Iris, no I haven't read Duma Key... but I'll definitely get it with my lunch money when I go to the airport! Thanks! ^_^

Night Flower, first... I MISS YOU ALREADY <3 <3 <3 Sigh... truth about the toes thing XD That's what warm socks/boots are for ^_^

dearestana, miss you <3 You should blog more ^_^ And so true about them never being small enough =/

Current weight: 500kg

Calc ended last week. I just have an exam this Friday.

This one teacher at my school died last Friday. It's kinda... scary. She was really, really fat. 30 years old. And by fat, I mean like her back was enormous and like there was a hump of fat... If that makes sense? Definitely morbidly obese. And she died during an operation cause of like a blood clot they think. I don't really know how to react. I didn't know her, but I saw her in the halls a lot. My teachers are really upset about it though.

I'm just going to go play Runescape and forget anything happened.

Current background:

December 05, 2010


Iris, yeah Stephen King is awesome <3 Haha. The book Insomnia's pretty good....

Elara, hey =D Thank you for the comment! That was really sweet =) Your blog looks nice, I think I'll follow it =)

Night Flower, haha we have had snow! Friday morning it was so pretty! I always leave a little before 7 (ok, now that I think about it, it's actually 6:45am....) and when I was outside the sky was this like.. velvety dark blue and there were snowflakes just drifting down. It was so beautiful and peaceful. Well, it looked peaceful, since I had my Metallica turned up really loud.... Haha. Yeah I adore snow <3

So I've decided to weigh myself in kg next time I get to a scale. Why? Because my goal weight (30kg) is in kg.... Er, ok, that's kinda obvious from the parentheses... I swear I'm not trying to insult your intelligence! I'm just having a stupid moment.

Hmm nothing exciting really. I have far too much homework and exams... Ugh. 2 more weeks until I go to Maryland! I'm not sure if I should be excited or not...

Ugh. I feel so fat. I probably weigh like 5000kg. Yep.


November 27, 2010

Be careful what you wish for

You just might get it.


Apparently I can't eat without feeling really nauseated now. I have no idea why. I guess I shouldn't complain, but it's kinda scaring me.

Hm. A cute guy found my old WordPress blog ( and he wrote a poem about how he wishes I wouldn't hurt myself and how he can't live without me.... it was really sweet, even if I don't believe most of it XD

Not much to say.

Thanksgiving wasn't too bad. My stepbrothers (18 and 20 something) were there and they kept distracting my parents by being boys, so I got away with half a salad and a glass of wine. =) Have I mentioned that being vegan in a meat-loving family is awesome?


November 24, 2010


It's going to suck.

So last night, my mom ran into the mom of my former classmate. Oh wait.. apparently she's not my former classmate anymore though because she switched to my school (Feel free to skip this part... or any of the post for that matter, but I just want to clarify this for the curious: We used to go to a private school together - 42 kids total in our graduating class, so everyone was really close. Then I decided to go to a public school for high school. Apparently this girl has now transfered to the high school I go to). Oh, and she's a grade below me now, even though we were in the same class back at the private school. Why? Because she was hospitalized for anorexia.

We were never really best friends, but we were in the same clique in elementary school before I decided they were too preppy and I went off to form my own clique. And I was just like... fuck what just happened? She was always so perfect, so happy. The perfect preppy school-loving athlete. I mean, seriously. Everyone was jealous of her and she was always so nice to everyone. And she was anorexic in high school?? I guess it was bound to happen. But still. It just really messed me up.

And now I'm reading blogs written by these idiots (NOT ALL OF YOU ARE IDIOTS. IN FACT, MOST OF YOU AREN'T... this is just being addressed to the insensitive piles of merde who ARE idiots) who are all "anorexia is a lifestyle, not a disease! It's a choice!" Fuck you. Just fuck you. A lifestyle does not take over your mind and kill you or put you in the hospital for so long that you have to drop down a grade.

Wasted (by Marya Hornbacher) is NOT thinspirational. How the hell do people get that??? It's about torture, death, pain, lies... Or is that thinspirational now?

Fuck. Some people are fucking idiots.

Yeah I'm kinda pissed off right now

November 21, 2010


My stepsister and her husband and their baby are here this weekend. Sigh. So that means I get to eat with them, because that's what families do! Oh fuck that... But I exercised after dinner (which included wine, thank fucking God), so hopefully it wasn't too much damage. So yesterday I had...

10 almonds
half an apple
A banana
12 pieces of whole wheat pasta with tomato sauce
handful of salad with DRESSING (ugh)
glass of wine

Yay I'm a fatty!
What will today bring? This week? This year?



Thanks for reading this, stranger

November 17, 2010


The teachers who used to love me see me as their worst student now. I can see it in the way they look at me, the way they talk to me and avoid looking at me. I'm a disappointment. I'm just another one of those seniors who gives up.

Sleep? What's sleep? Why would I ever need it? I ask myself as I drink my diet coke at 1am. Go to school and sleep. What did we do today? We had a quiz? I don't remember taking any quizzes...

I used to be a perfect student. Every teacher's dream student. I didn't really try, it mostly came naturally to me.

Now? I just don't give a fuck.

My Stephen King books are more interesting (I'm currently reading the Drawing of the Three)



It's not like anyone cares.

She made me eat vegan mac and cheese today. And almonds.

And she didn't let me throw up.


November 16, 2010


Hmm... So I'm going to do a bit of advertising. Why? Because I've found something that makes me happy. Appleseed (click me!) It's basically this rifle/history thing. It's fun! There was one 3 hours away this weekend and my stepdad and I went and it was fun. I got to spend a day (it's a two-day thing, but I spent Sunday just hanging out and reading (The Gunslinger by Stephen King) and doing homework) playing with a rifle =D On my first try, I hit this square that was the size of a person's head if the person was 250meters away... So that was pretty exciting! Ok, it was pure luck.. but ya know.

This isn't mine! Just a Google Images thing, but yeah... XD It's that square on the left. You actually shoot from 25meters away, but the *size* is as if it's 250meters away. So. Yes.

Then we did these things called AQT's (Army Qualifying Tests, I think) and if you get like, over a certain score (200 something I think) you got a little Rifleman badge and it basically means you're fucking sweet.

Yeah that's it =) I failed miserably on mine, but it's ok! Usually takes a lot of practice to do well.

Night_Flower, thank you! =) I love your like header pic on your blog btw... It's so pretty! <3

So I just realized there's a link to my blog on PrettyThin... I'm excited =) Makes me happeh. And I have 12 followers <3 <3

This weekend I was doing 170 cal days. 140cals of coke and 30cals of miso soup. Worked perfectly, though I was/am all dizzy... Ah well! It's worth it. My legs are covered in blood. Ugh. Oh well. I like the pain. It's comforting.

I can't wait until I graduate and get out of here. Ugh

S&M (Metallica...) is heavenly. Metal + symphony. So... perfect. Listening to Devil's Dance right now. Wherever I May Roam is better. I'm referring to the s&m versions of these two btw... XD


If you read this, you're awesome!

November 11, 2010

Comfortably dizzy

I'm so dizzy these days that I'm used to it. It's just this thing in the background that I have to deal with and not let anyone see. No of course the world isn't spinning what are you talking about I'm perfectly fine smile laugh play with food don't eat don't eat don't eat just dissect it.

Jade, thank you =) This is why I love this world... it's like, someone can relate to what I'm saying, so I'm not so alone....

I wish I could take care of my cuts, but the antibiotic shit in my house has randomly disappeared. Back to soap and water I suppose... But then, that's probably a good thing. I could probably use up a whole tube of it just to cover the cuts I have now.

41% of my page views are on Google Chrome. If you use Chrome, you get a gold star =D


I went to the grocery store today with my stepdad. He called me fat and kept trying to get me to eat. Ugh. And he wouldn't let me get diet coke, just regular. *sob* Apparently diet soda is like, satan? I don't know

So I was wandering around the store staring at fat people and food... Oh so much food I could eat it all and throw it all up and be lovely and empty and sick and disgusting and fat and thin and I just want to go away. I cut my stomach before we left (on purpose, don't worry) and the cuts kept hurting but it's ok because pain reminds me of how horrible and fat and disgusting I am


November 05, 2010


I think I'm going crazy. It's like, I'm not control of my mind anymore. And I fucking hate that. I just keep having these moments where I don't want to talk to anyone, I just want to take far too many pills and wait until I'll be happy again... if I ever will be. But the pills will help. How? I don't know.

I don't know what I'm blogging about.

I just wanted to get that out.

My body is covered in cuts and it hurts to walk, to sit, to stand, to be.

I wish I was fatter so I could have more space to cut.

I wish I was thinner so I could be considered human.

November 02, 2010


I've given up and I don't care

The beginning of My Spirit Will Go On by Dragonforce is pretty =)

I don't really know what to say.

I wish I knew how much I weighed.

No school today.

Still have Calculus though. Sigh.

Yesterday 25% of my class didn't go to school, so now we might not get a senior skip day in the spring. Or our exam opt out privilege will be taken away. I'm not sure which one I care about more. Or if I even care about either of them.

Make it go away

October 29, 2010


xXxPerfectLiexXx, I have no chance at parental consent. And I did ask both my... parental figures? Mom and stepdad. Neither of them will let me get it done, so I'll just do it myself and hope they don't notice =) I'm wearing really small stuff until I move out though. Don't want them getting too pissed at me. Or noticing... Haha. But yeah, I will be careful =)

Ugh. I took... 40? More than that? Ibuprofen yesterday. Fuck.. I felt like I was dying yesterday. I took them after school and then I had to go to calculus. I thought I was fine. I had a bit of a stomach ache, but that wasn't really surprising. Then I fell asleep in calc. Not very surprising either. I thought I would only doze off for 5 or 10 minutes like I usually do. 15 max. Nope. I was out for almost the whole period. (Fell asleep around 4:30, class ends at 5:35 and I woke up around 5:20) Totally disoriented. Then when I went upstairs to get my parents so we could go home, I could barely walk. It was so scary. I thought I was going to pass out or die or something. Then when we got home, I felt insanely sick and I fell asleep until 7:15, when my mom yelled up the stairs that we have to leave at 7:20. I told her I would be down by then. I wasn't. 7:24 and I finally came down because she yelled at me again. Totally crashed. Barely got through my vocal lesson. Came home and could fucking swear I was dying. Sigh.

Friend woke me up by calling me around... 1? Yeah. Something like that. He made me smile, laugh. I felt alive again.

Still feel sick as fuck today.

Lesson of the day: Don't fucking overdose on shit. Even if it's just pain meds.

At least they're an amazing laxative, once you can get past the nausea and dizziness and feeling like your stomach is getting torn open from the inside and sleepiness and just being so fucking out of it.

October 25, 2010


I have a horrible fear of them. And apparently I have 5 followers? This is exciting =)

So I'm considering getting a lip piercing. Yes, this is a VERY recent (like, Sunday recent... oh wait, that's yesterday)

I'm thinking something like that =)

I'm turning 17 tomorrow.

Oh, and I'm considering doing the piercing myself. It's either that or waiting until I'm 18. Ugh. That would suck!


October 24, 2010


I got to a scale. Oh fuck. OH MY FUCKING GOD. I'm disgusting. 128.4lbs. Can I shoot myself now? Please? Oh fuck....

I'm turning 17 on Tuesday. I'll be a fucking fat pig on my birthday. Oh fuck. I need to lose weight right fucking now. Mom wasn't home this morning so I had 1/3 of a cup of coffee. Black, of course. I can't eat today. Oh fuck. I need to be thin. I need to be human.

Then I need to disappear.

Make everything go away.

I won't be a bad person anymore if I'm thin.

I'm glad no one reads this blog. I would be a horrible disappointment to them if they did. Thankfully, I'm only disappointing myself and the people around me, not the lovely pro-ana world.

Oh... I should probably mention this now. When I say pro-ana/mia, I mean the whole support thing, not those wannarexics and fauxlimics. Anyone who wants an eating disorder is a fucking IDIOT.


I'm going to go take some ibuprofen (or something else... should probably raid the meds cabinet and see what other interesting stuff we have in there) and cut or something.


October 23, 2010

Je me repose


It's the weekend. Everything's going to be ok.

I'm done with PT. It's absolutely nothing against the members, but the site itself is dying... I'm sure any PT-ers who read this know what I'm talking about. It's so aggravating. If they do get it fixed though, please tell me =)

Yesterday was so lovely. My mom wasn't home at the times she normally makes me eat (and my stepdad doesn't really care if I eat or not), so I got away with not eating =) And during my tutoring period, I was helping these Spanish 2 kids while speaking French with my former French teacher. It was great. The kids were like "whoa..."


Nothing new really. I'm just happy =)

October 21, 2010

Ameliorer/Mejorar/To Improve

C'est juste une question d'habitude.

Apparently I can't think for myself.

I'm getting better I think.

Or my mind is taking over. The academically intelligent part of my mind.

The common sense part is still gone.

I think it might have died.

That would explain a lot.

I'm sorry.

I can't handle food.

It scares me.

She keeps yelling at me. Asking me how I can live with myself when I'm so fat.

I found a quote from an old Blogger blog I had.

"I'm trying to starve away my insanity. You can't be an insane walking skeleton."

October 20, 2010


I have no idea what's going on. Nothing's changed. Oh God. I just need to lose weight. I'm so fat. I'm so disgustingly fat. I have to get rid of this weight. RIGHT FUCKING NOW. I have to be 66lbs. The past few days have been hell and I have no idea why.

I just keep freaking out about how much I weigh. It's not even triggered by anything. It's just this overwhelming knowledge that I weigh 500lbs and I can't figure out how the earth is supporting my weight. Today I couldn't concentrate on physics or spanish even though they're my favorite subjects.

17th birthday on Tuesday.

Can I die now?

October 18, 2010

Vegan death

Veganism is awesome. You know what's not awesome? When your sociology teacher spends a week's worth of classtimes talking about meat. Not vegetables or weird fruits or anything. Nope. Just meat. And cheese covering the meat. WHAT THE FUCK? And how do you spend a week's worth of classes talking about that??? In case you don't know, that's 5 fucking hours! In a SOCIOLOGY class. Holy shit. At least it makes me nauseated which makes me feel better about not eating. But still. Shit. This guy is crazy. Bad crazy. And very fat. He says he can't live without his daily McDonald's. Ugh. I have no idea what he's doing living in our city.

So my love life is a bit complicated. Sigh. I'm dating Spanish boy, then there's something between me and my best friend, though I'm not sure what it is, and then this other guy randomly comes back and.... shit. I think I'm in love with him, like I used to be. It's like.. everything's ok with him. He doesn't think I'm crazy because he spends half his time in mental hospitals. He's done the whole throwing up thing, though not as much as I do it. He's done the whole cutting/suicide thing. (Note: I do not actually think cutting makes you suicidal. I'm not suicidal anymore - haven't been for years - yet I'm still a cutter) I think he's perfect for me. Sigh....

Ok, on to the main purpose of this blog! Haha. Mom's still been making me eat. Ugh. Mini potatoes (thank God I'm vegan so she couldn't make me have butter/sour cream/cheese/any other horrifying thing with them. Yay for lactose intolerance!) and salad with fucking DRESSING. It was fat free dijon wasabi - 40cals a serving. Shitty thing was, I didn't see how many servings she put on there. Then she made me eat a fucking banana. And that was just today. I'm probably in the 130's by now. I really need to throw up. Like, right now.


I need a scale

So fucking bad


My best friend made that for me =) Cute, isn't it? It's a vampiric mango!

October 16, 2010

10 days

Until I turn 17 =)

Sigh. I took a few too many ibuprofen last night (20 200mg ones I think? I know it was 20) and my stomach is doing funky shit today. But that could be lack of sleep.

There's this French club thing (shut up... It's literally a requirement if you're in French V) tonight at 6:30. Some corn maze shit. Yeah, I think it's stupid too. Sadly, I mentioned it to my mom and now she expects me to go and I feel too fat to be in public. Ugh.

I cut last night. It felt so good. The sweet pain... Except then I started remembering. And I couldn't stop. Which explains the ibuprofen. I always go to pain relievers when my mind is doing crazy shit. I guess it makes sense? But then I called my boyfriend cause I got scared and he was all disappointed =( And I realize he has the most adorable Spanish accent ever. Oh... in case I haven't mentioned this before, the boyfriend (have I mentioned that I have one?) is from Spain and he moved year a few years ago, when he was 12. And he seriously has the most adorable accent ever =)

Oh now I'm all happy! <3 Love you!

October 14, 2010

Get the fuck OUT

There's a new boy. He controls my mind and it scares me. He's good at it and I let him. He's trying to get me to stop cutting. When I decide to cut, I cut. I never *don't* cut. I wanted to cut last night. He didn't let me. I didn't. I'm not sure what's going on. I think I might like it. The idea that someone could get into my mind and not hurt me is an amazing thought.

I had a vocal lesson on Tuesday. Evening, 7pm. Before that, I was hanging out with some people, including my stepbrother and his girlfriend. She's really nice. But they were all eating and I obviously wasn't. She's kinda chubby. She said "I wish I could be anorexic like you" You guys know how much I weighed recently. Well, I weigh 500lbs now. Does that really sound anorexic to you? ...Yeah it doesn't to me either. Ugh. Then my mom got all pissed off cause my hands were shaking. I don't know. I guess it was really cold or something? I'm not anorexic. I throw up too much to be anorexic. The new boy will never touch that part of my mind.

October 13, 2010


An impulse is a change in momentum. I don't know.

Brice, haha... Yep, I can totally relate to that paranoia =)

Though for the record, in case I haven't mentioned this before, I'm more bulimic. Though that seems to be changing...

I was going to fast today. It was going really well. Totally in control. No water, I don't drink while I'm fasting. (A fasting bulimic? What next?) Then... the mother intervened. She noticed I hadn't eaten much today (...ugh...) and forced me to eat dinner. Half a bowl of this Russian vegetable soup. Ugh. 75cals max. But it took an hour to eat it. I kept crying and freaking out about how it was going to make me fat. I'm a really pathetic bulimic. I suck at binging. Haha. Oh Lord... So yeah. That sucked. Kinda scares me.

Oh and I barely sleep these days. And I'm perfectly fine with this. I think I've gone a little insane.

Love to you all <3

October 10, 2010


Hey Brice, thanks for your comment =) Just to respond to it though, I'm already vegan. So anything I eat is already mostly plant based (we're not including the purely chemical Diet Coke/Coke Zero that I love so much). If I didn't have a morbid obsession with losing weight, I would love going to a vegan restaurant. Sadly, I do, so I'm scared of the idea.

So still no scale =/ I think I'm losing weight or doing something right at least because yesterday (haven't been out today haha) I could barely walk and I was all dizzy and shaky. Of course, I decided to go on a few-mile walk around my city anyway (and ran into a few cute boys from drumline who offered to get me coffee... poor guys got turned down though. I don't trust the calories in coffee) and I felt like I was about to pass out/throw up the whole time. Ah well. Calories were burned. It was worth it. =)

Hmm... Not much to talk about really. I hope I get a scale soon so I know my weight =/ It's killing me

Mom made some eggplant thing. She keeps trying to make me eat it. Ugh. Sorry, but I am NOT eating vegetables covered in oil and shit.

Ohhh... I has a totally unrelated story! So on Friday, my French class went to this French immersion thing at a nearby university for the whole (school) day. There's only 8 of us because it's French V (AP) and most people are too wimpy to take it. Suckers... Anyway.

When we were on the bus ride back to school (school gets out at 2:35, bus was supposed to get back at 2), Madame convinced the bus driver to stop at a fort (...yeah, that's my city's claim to fame. A fort. Aren't you jealous?) and we wandered around and scared the lady in the gift shop for 15-20 minutes. Then we got back to school and scared the French IV kids. It was great =D

<3 4 followers! Ahh thank you for making me feel loved!

September 30, 2010


I'm sorry for going all MIA >.< You all must think I'm a horrible blogger =(

What happened was my mom took away my scale cause she said I was losing too much weight. Sigh. She's also making me eat more. More sighs. I have decided to counter this with more exercising. But I just wasn't sure if I should post, since I don't know how much I weigh. I'll guess 500lbs, just to be on the safe side. Haha. Hey, at least the mirror agrees with me!

My 17th birthday is October 26. A Tuesday. I have piano lessons on Tuesday evenings. My mom wants to pull me out of my lesson that day and take me out to dinner. At a vegan restaurant. Ugh. Ok, I love the fact that there are vegan restaurants, so it's easy for vegans to eat out. But the thing is, this eliminates my "oh, I guess I'll just have a lettuce salad cause nothing else is vegan" excuse. Shittt. I don't know what to do. Maybe I'll fake sick? Ugh.

Nothing eventful has happened really. Ohh... I did get a new boy! Err... kinda. Haha. He lives in Maryland, but we might meet up over winter break because my dad/stepmom+family live down there. Soo... that could be interesting! We've been texting almost nonstop and he seems really cool. =)

...Haha. Yeah, that's about as exciting as my life gets. I really want to go have a crazy binge and throw it all up. That's so tempting. I kind of did that on Tuesday because I had a two hour delay (some teacher meeting thing) and my parents left early, so I had about an hour and a half to myself. I spent an hour of it eating and throwing up. It felt so damn good. >.<


September 21, 2010


Current weight: 123.6lbs

Huh. So even with that horrible binge, I still managed to lose. Though I suspect water weight.

This is a really short post cause I have to leave soon for piano. But I just wanted to say this...

I got 101% on my Spanish test! And the teacher was going on about how we sucked at it and all, and I got the highest score in the class even though I'm in Spanish 4 and I've only had 2 years of Spanish, unlike all my classmates. Anyways... Gotta go!

Love you!

September 20, 2010


Current weight: 124.4lbs.

Ugh. Freaking bloating. And I've had approximately FAR TOO FUCKING MANY calories today. You know what? I'll just list it. It's been a horrid binge-y day.

-Mini bagel (100cals exactly)
-Steamed baby carrots (10cals)
-C&S half a tofurkey sandwich (5cals, for anything I swallowed)
-Starbucks black coffee (hot... Omg holding it felt so good! 2.5cals since I had about half during my calc exam today)
-glass of rice milk (100cals)
-oreo (70cals)

...Ugh. I feel fat. So total for today is uh... I suck at math. Probably failed my calc exam. Err... 287.5. Wait. Um. Someone wanna check my math? XD

Oh and the camera on my phone broke. Like it'll take for freaking ever to load, then it'll go back to the screen where you select "camera" "camcorder" or "voice memo" Fuck. That means no pics until I get a new phone or get it fixed. Like you guys actually wanted pics of me... XD

I'm making peanut butter stuffed chocolate cookies for my French class on Thursday (class is Friday). Heh. I'm quite excited about this. I love the idea of making other people fatter, since as y'all see by my weight, I'm most definitely getting fatter. >.<

I'm sorry for being such a failure blogger =( I'm just trying to be honest and all, but apparently that's a bad idea when you're such a fat pig.

Oh and Alba, thanks for the comment =D I'm following you now. Your blog seems new, so welcome to the blogging world! ^_^

Woot... Hopefully the next time I post I'll be thin!

And for those of you who are crazy, or bored, there are links to my slightly more frequently updated food porn and thinspo blogs to the right --> ...Yep. XD

Love y'all <3 Thank you for reading and making me feel special!

September 11, 2010


He's cool. I'm reading Sophie's World by Jostein Gaarder right now. It's very good and very distracting. Ha. I want to read Plato's Republic next. =)

Current weight: 124.2
This was after eating a strawberry soy yogurt for breakfast. Hm. I really have no idea how I lost weight, considering I've been eating like a fat pig recently. But I suppose I shouldn't complain.

Nothing interesting to say really. Sigh. I'm very tired. Like, mentally tired. But I thought I should post so my 1 follower (wow! I already have a follow! Thank you, Sophie!) doesn't think I died or gave up on blogging or something.

Ha. Like I could ever give up on blogging. I love this world too much. I love all of you too much. I read so many blogs that I never comment... I should probably fix that, yes? Like, start commenting all your lovely blogs. =)

I had an argument with an ex last night. Basically, I called him an idiot and he sent me a pile of crap which I really can't decipher. He's not very smart. I don't know why I put up with him for so long. I guess I just liked being worshiped. But it still hurt that some idiot thought *I* was stupid. I mean, I'm the m-f-ing vampire (as my best friend says), some idiot shouldn't be bringing down my self esteem!

Oh and my (unofficially adoptive) little brother wanted me to post this on my blog. I was attempting to explain to him why people with eating disorders have relationship issues. Tell me what y'all think. =)

"Self starvation is characterized by a denial of needs and desires and a desire to become nothing to prove you don't need anything, not even space or air. With this denial of needs and desires comes a fear of them, including other people's needs and desires, especially people who are close to you.You don't want to get infected with their thoughts and think it's actually ok to need or desire anything because you damn well know it's not ok."

Sent around 12:45am. I get very philosophical and stupid at night.

<3 Love you for reading this.

September 03, 2010


Hiya! Alright, so I'm not going to do the whole crappy first post thing. I'm just going to jump into this because this is somewhere between my 5th and 10th blog. XD I switch too much. But I think I'll stick with this one =D Blogger seems to have recently acquired all the things I thought only WordPress had, which is awesome.

So first, a pic. Sigh. Morning weight (after a ridiculous 1000cal day... good God I'm fat) - 125.4
My lovely bracelet that I made recently... It makes me feel less alone, even though I realize it's been overdone and most of us don't use it anymore.
My addiction =)
And something that made me very happy last week
Yeah that's me XD The necklace is a Scorpio thing from Russia.

Wooooo... I really don't know what to say.

I don't want to go over my diet plan because I don't want anyone following it or getting ideas from it. Which would be very easy. I had this whole list of things I wanted to talk about, but I think I'll just leave it at this.