June 28, 2013


Haha @Sam Lupin - what do you mean "what am I doing"? o_O What was wrong with it?

The bf has given me a cutting knife and said I can go on a liquid fast if I want. Yay!
This isn't as bad as it sounds. He knows we're having relationship problems and I'm used to dealing with things by cutting and while he hates my cutting, he realizes that at the moment, he can't stop me. So he gave me a knife and told me it's my responsibility to keep it sterilized and let him take care of my cuts. I haven't used it yet even though it's sitting on the headboard. =3
It was sweet... I completely flipped out (combination of pms and exhaustion I think) the other night and started crying and shit and he just put me into bed, covered me with my favorite purple blanket, and sat next to me and petted my hair and talked to me until I calmed down <3 I don't deserve him at all.

And the liquid fast thing... I told him I planned to do homemade smoothies (non-dairy milk, vegetable, fruit), Monster Rehab, coffee with creamer/sugar, and tea. Obviously this is not entirely true (creamer/sugar in COFFEE? wtf?) but it made him happy. This will kinda be indefinite, but since I talked to him about it first, he hopefully won't get all pissy at me for not eating his cooking. =3

Also... whoever decided Oreos should be dairy-free was a fucking sadist.


That is all.

Haven't unpacked my scale yet. Too scared to look at the number. >_<

June 26, 2013

6/26/13 (tmi warning)

I've been having sex with the bf for the past 48 hours almost nonstop. Oh my god. Even when our friend came over and spent the night.


That's over though. XD

He got me a 12 pack of Monster Rehab minis. <3 So cute!
They're low cal(ish) (Something like 5 or 10 cals per can. 5 I think) and it's an energy drink so... yes =D

Also he got me old ps2 (pre-skylanders) spyro games. Wheee. And I have Skyrim and my new Final Fantasy game and Fable and ahh I'm just surrounded by video games at the moment. =)

Picture of the Baltic Sea that I took while I was in Latvia. ^_^

June 20, 2013

hey if anyone does that kik thing my username is vampiricshadow. if not i would love texting or emailing buddies since im back in the states now

June 13, 2013


Well  my anxiety is through the rough. Like. No joke. I was about to od (on ibuprofen ROFLMAO except I have half a bottle of it and the bottle originally had 24 200mg pills so... hahaha) and my mom was sitting across the table from me and I just gave the bottle to her and she didn't even question it. ^_^ She's awesome sometimes.

Still cut myself though.

With an earring.


Hahaha. I'm desperate okay...

Also punched myself in the stomach a lot.

But it doesn't hurt so I think I'm okay. ^_^ Haha.

Mom's awesome o_O Surprisingly. Grandma honestly feeds people too much, so we're like conspiring against her to like, eat as few calories as possible. Which is still a hell of a lot more than I would like, but it's much better than the alternative.

Oh and I've been talking to this guy online. He's 27, divorced, has a son. He's also very sweet, likes whipping/biting/clawing/and the idea of me being his pet.
Though really, my DARLING BOYFRIEND shouldn't have slept with that skank.
And he should whip me -_-

I'm sorry for how explicit that got o_O

In my defense I'm listening to a song called La Confession?



June 10, 2013


Yay there's some internet here! Very little though.

Ugh I made myself throw up here =/ I promised myself I wouldn't because my grandma loves cooking and she prides herself on it. But I can't handle it here. She expects me to eat CHEESE and BREAD and SOUR CREAM and CHOCOLATE. Oh my God.

I met up with a group of people ages like.. 13-25. The guy who was 25 asked me to hang out with him alone the next day (yesterday, June 9). We did. It was fun. Except the part where he kept trying to buy me ice cream/candy and saying I was so thin it looked like the wind would blow me away. I wish. 

Everyone at the party (mentioned above) spoke some English except the 25 year old guy, who spoke Russian. XD It was fun! They were all speaking Latvian and these two guys were translating for me (depending on which smaller group I was with at the time) - one English and one Russian. It was super sweet. =) And everyone was like telling jokes in English and stuff. Apparently they love American memes here haha. Dunno if they're American (grumpy cat?) but ya know... English memes. XD


I keep having to tell myself not to cut or make myself throw up.

My willpower can only handle so much. =/ I'm terrified I'll break.

My grandfather is horrible. He always watches TV ridiculously loudly and yells at my grandmother, who's the sweetest person ever. Ugh.
At least my mom stands up to him haha. And grandma and I go to the kitchen or out to the shops to get away from him. Surprisingly the kitchen is actually quite safe. XD I usually just sit there and drink tea (no sugar of course <3) and help her cut stuff (cheese, vegetables, ya know) while she cooks. She's always cooking o_O Lmao oh well. And she tells me stories about Soviet times and my great-grandma and stuff. =) It's nice.

Hope your summers (or winters!) are going well. <3

June 02, 2013


Thanks Bella <3


My father said I'm about the size of a hippo. And bigger than a bag of 50 cats, assuming each cat is 10lbs. So... I'm more than 500lbs.


All I want to do is throw up until I fucking die.

But of course I won't because I'm leaving for Latvia tomorrow and I'll get to see my amazingly sweet grandma and I can spend the whole night watching a Death Note movie (on my computer) and reading the two books I got today. <3 And of course playing Pokemon on my DS. Haha. But especially not eating. The flight, including connections, is 15 hours long. So... not long at all for a fast. But much better than eating. <3

Oh and he also asked if I was on the pill (WTF WHY IS IT ANY OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS?) because it looked like I had gained weight.

I really hate my father sometimes. =/

Oh and the best part? He keeps saying he wants to prove that he can be a good father.

But he did just buy me a $180 Android after saying he would only put $150 towards a new phone so... yay? And it actually came out to like $190 after taxes so... haha =3 and the bf is getting me a phone card for it. Oh and he's given me like $80 total for shopping money, not counting the books and shoes he got me. XD I've already spent $60 of it on a video game, underwear (Victoria's Secret <3), and earrings. XD He'll give me more if I want so it's cool. =3

So... I guess he isn't too bad.

I just wish he would stop calling me fat.

Oh and he says I eat too much junk food.

What the fuck.

He never cooks. All his food is pre-made. Frozen/deli stuff. Or greasy take-out. And I'M the one with the unhealthy junk food obsession. He gave me this lecture after I got a Monster Rehab though so maybe he was just pissy that I was drinking a Monster. XD

I dunno..

Zombie by the Cranberries is a very addicting song, even though the vocalist absolutely sucks at singing. XD


Love you all.

Thank you for reading my blog. <3

June 01, 2013

Oh my God. I would love to have sex with this woman <3 Isn't she amazing? She's the lead singer for Lacuna Coil. Ahhhh <3

Blah I think I might be sick. My throat's been really sore the past few days and before that, there was a chick in court who walked by me while she was coughing and she said she had pneumonia. Ahh I'm freaking out so bad. I'm leaving tomorrow >_<

I'll post when I get back.

I hope you all have a lovely 2.5 weeks <3 I'll miss you.