February 28, 2013

Decisions, updates, la la la

Thanks for the 3rd party opinion. It was really helpful to have at least someone's point of view on this. You're right. I am miserable with him. I either want to be alone (really want this right now) or want to belong to someone (not right now, but if I was in a relationship, I'd like it to be a sub-dom relationship), but he isn't the one.

At least I've learned a lot. I got a puppy. I've gotten into my own place (kind of, at least I'm much more independent than I was), I've learned there are other ways to get a job if you don't have much experience... I don't know. I feel like I know what I want more. I've learned how to play Magic and Skyrim and I have an Xbox360 and I love it.

This hasn't been a complete waste of time. He got something out of it too. He got like, a year, for free. My parents have basically been paying for everything, except when he had super short part time work. But still. And he has to go back to his family anyway. There are a lot of problems there right now. I could never go with him - his parents hate me.

Now, I'll be able to focus on my studies and working (my parents already told me they don't mind helping me financially while I'm in school, but an income of my own would be very nice)

Ugh the fat girl sitting next to me in this class has a MacBook. So gross. XD I have a deep and passionate hatred for Apple products. Dunno why. Probably because they're overpriced and they suck.


There's no love left and I don't miss him when he's not there. I just miss the person he used to be. I  guess this is a sign. We used to be perfect. What happened? Ugh sorry just ignore me...

February 26, 2013


It's raining like crazy today. The puddles are ridiculous. You know, the ones on the side of the road that cars drive in and use to splash water on pedestrians? Yeah... The rain and cold are making my injured knee hurt. Sigh.

Also... I really need some advice.

I want to break up with my boyfriend. Here's why...
We live in a little one room apartment. Very comfortable for one person, not so great for two people who don't get along very well. All I want to do is survive on carrots, tea, apples, coffee, and rice milk. He's stopping me from doing this.
Also, he owes my mom $120. She paid for his GED. Which he hasn't taken it, since he's doing it over three days and the first one is in the last week of March. I'm worried if I break up with him soon (like I really want to), he won't pay her back. Not like money is that much of a concern but still.

He never cleans up what I ask him to, he does stuff he knows bugs the hell out of me, and he's always making me feel horrible and cry and stuff. Not like... abusive. But just he doesn't realize that what he says actually hurts.

But at the same time... I dunno. I don't want to live on my own. I mean, I do, but I'm scared of it too. You know?

Advice, please?

February 25, 2013

About the puppy thing... we're getting her a special harness to help her deal with her anxiety. =) She's so cute when she's not flipping out. Though she's cute when she's flipping out too. XD

My mom's trying to convince me to break up with my fiance. It might not be such a bad idea. I think I'm going to do it, but only when I can make sure I can support myself. My parents are willing to take care of my rent/bills/etc, but I don't really want to be dependent on them.

Also, I got a doctor's appointment scheduled for March 11. A specialist doctor. Ugh. Why the fuck am I turning into a hypochondriac? I just want all this stress related to my little medical problem to go away. And I don't want my obgyn's diagnosis to be correct, because that shit isn't curable, just manageable. I'm too young to deal with this.

How was everyone's weekend?

Swear to God my doctor has this one in her office.

February 19, 2013


It's snowing again today and I get to bike home in that... not sure if that's a good thing or not. I bet I'll burn more calories this way though. =)

My puppy has an anxiety disorder apparently. She's normally hyper/spazzy as fuck, but whenever she's wearing the little jacket/sweater I got her, she's so chill... still adorable and happy and all but much more manageable and she seems happier with it too.

Nothing much to say... might be breaking up with the boyfriend but that seems to be normal these days, you know?

Thanks for the comment about my grades, btw... You're definitely right. I'm not entirely happy with B's, but I think an A is a perfect fine grade, especially since this university is odd and doesn't do A+/-, etc. Just letters.

February 18, 2013

Ugh I'm still terrified off falling off my bike again, though after a hot tea tree oil bath, my knee does feel a lot better. Still covered in bruises and cuts though. Sigh.

No news really. Just saying I guess.

I got A's and B's on all my exams. I'll go for all A's next time. According to my mother, even if it's an A, if it's not 100%, it's not good enough. Thanks, Mom...


How are you all?

February 14, 2013

Thinspo Post

Ugh I fell off my bike today on the way to school. Right onto one of the two busiest streets in the city. =/ This girl was jogging (skinny bitch T_T) and I guess she was listening to music or something, so she didn't hear me coming up behind her. She was also swerving a lot. Not like, drunkenly, just like she was too involved in her running to stay in a straight line (also, that street/sidewalk does not run straight at all). So it was really hard to pass her and I was like fuck it I'll go on the road. Yeah... didn't work. When I tried to get back on the sidewalk, by bike was just like fuck this. Ugh so now I'm all cut up and in pain. Sadface.

But hey, better than getting a ride to school, right? =)

Apparently the boy has some wonderful Valentine's Day dinner/dessert/romantic shit thing planned for tonight. I'm scared. =/ I don't want to eat I'm already far too fat.

Oh and my birth control (pill) is making me nauseated like, every fucking morning (I take it at 10pm - shouldn't it NOT be making me nauseated by now?). Ugh. Rage.

Rage rage rage.

I'm posting a picture of my hair. =)

Excuse the completely crap quality and piles of fat. The dark blue is really dark (almost blueish-black) and the rest of my hair is dark reddish brown. =)

And some thinspo...

February 12, 2013


I've been biking to school recently so.. yay?

Which burns more calories, walking or riding (same distance)?

#first world problems

I have two exams today - sociology and psychology. Yay!

And I'm reading Clash of the(?) Kings - Song of Fire and Ice series.

It's quite good actually. I'm surprised.

How are you all?

February 11, 2013


Mondays suck. Hopefully if I post enough pictures in this post, Mondays will suck less.

I dyed my hair dark brown/blue over the weekend. It looks kinda cool. =)


Started birth control pills yesterday. Scared of gaining weight from them, which is probably a good thing. XD How do birth control pills make you gain weight anyway? Like, do they increase your appetite or mess with your digestive hormones or what?


Nothing much to report. La la la.

I have an exam today that I haven't studied for but that's okay. =)

February 08, 2013


Are you guys sure?

Ugh I don't know... I don't want to be self centered...

Meh. I start birth control (the pill) this Sunday... I'm scared... I'll need to eat like, way way less... I don't wanna gain weight. T_T Even though it says that the weight gain thing is a myth... still... >_<

That's about it...

I had two exams this week. Three left. I think they're all next week...

I love reading blogs by the way. <3 I'm horrible at commenting but I do read them.

Also, riding a horse is way easier than riding a bike. I've taken long (years) breaks from both. Getting back on a bike is a lot harder than a horse. Though maybe that's because I was wearing a dress? >_<

February 05, 2013

Well I'm still with him. No idea why. He's been ignoring me and he's more romantic with random people he's never met than me. Whatever. I probably deserve it. We had a horrible fight yesterday. He said he thought he was in love with her. But then he deleted her number and texts and everything. He still wants her more though. He's going to dye my hair so I look more like her. It's kind of fucked up. You know?

Went to my doctor this morning. Apparently I have some condition where if it's not treated, it could like, permanently fuck me up. Apparently the treatment for it is birth control pills. Oh yay... -_- Like I need more things making me gain weight. Especially since my doctor said I needed to lose weight. (Yes, I KNOW that, bitch. Thanks for reminding me of how FAT I am.)

I'm sitting in class right now and the prof is lecturing about "master statuses" and statuses in general. Kinda hurts. I used to think Masters were kind and loving and... not hurtful I guess. Sigh.

Sorry for being whiny and bitchy.

Perhaps I'm pms-ing.

Perhaps it's just because I'm fat.

I think I'm leaving this blog.

I'm becoming too self centered.

So... goodbye I guess. Sorry.

Maybe I'll make another blog.

Probably not though.

I don't think I'm a good blogger.

Last comment - go on Imgur. Seriously. Best site ever.

February 04, 2013

Please don't talk to me

Or do.

Fuck I don't know.

The boy.

He's cheating on me.

Or rather, I believe he might be... I'd certainly define it as cheating.

Would it be all right to lay the facts out here so you guys (are there any readers?) can decide? In case I'm over reacting?


I was going through his texts (shut up... I had a semi-good reason for it. I wanted to see if my best friend had texted (he had) because I know the boy will "forget" to tell me when he does. Also, I was kinda curious as to who he was texting so intently last night while we were playing Magic. In my defense, he has always said that he would have no secrets from me and he DID leave his phone with me to use. If he really wanted to hide this stuff, it's not exactly hard to delete texts)


Things from the conversation that I found
Oh right! The conversation. It was with this girl he met online (doesn't know in person at all). Supposedly she's a lesbian who just broke up with her wife so she's sad? No proof, won't judge.

-She was talking about how she was all confused and stuff and he asked if she had romantic feelings for him. And how strongly she felt about him. Yes, he used the word romantic.

-He asked to see a picture of her. She has red hair and she looks skinny. Dunno, wasn't a full body pic. (This one could be excused, especially if it was just by itself, since you know.. they've never met)

-He was all like *poofs into a rose, with pretty petals on the wind that brush your face* or something to that effect. There were petals and roses and gentle wind. I don't know. It was weird but... too romantic for my comfort, you know?

-And finally he said *steals a kiss* to her.

She seemed to be shunning all his efforts but still...

Is this cheating?

I know it's not like he's doing it in person, but... I mean... I don't know. Who knows what he does when he's out?

I'm sorry I'm just... I don't know. I don't want to think.

Thinspo to make this post worth something?