August 30, 2011


Guess I'm less of a fatass now. Though still pretty fucking big.
It's weird. It's like a switch got flipped in my brain. I've gone from "omg I want to eat everything and throw it all up 500 times!" to "holy shit... I hope I don't have to eat until a week from now.."

But I was talking to this girl and she said she has all these health problems now from what she does/did. That scares me. I want to be healthy. So here's my (flexible) plan. Eat every other day. No more than 500 calories. By "eat" I mean one juice (300cals - half for breakfast, half for dinner) and one protein/energy bar of some kind (no more than 200cals, obviously, this will be lunch). The days I don't eat, I don't consume anything. I'll weigh myself every morning that I can (aka roommate isn't awake/is out). Which might not be every morning. I need to be okay with that.

At first I really didn't want to eat. But honestly the health problems thing scares me. I don't want to be sick. I don't know what I want. But it's not sickness.

I had to write about my last suicide attempt for an English paper. It made me happy. Why? Because I'm way past that now. It's like I'm free from that. It feels amazing. The conditions which caused it are completely reversed now. Everything's okay.

The past few nights I've been sleeping with this one guy. (Almost) Platonic, don't worry. I just... I don't know. I don't want to be by myself. I still don't like some of the things in my mind. Like the whole to eat or not to eat debate. I hate that. But at least the voices aren't so hateful now.

Does anyone still read this?

Any advice on the plan? It makes sense to me. I might skip the lunch/food part. Pure liquids seems nice... and that is a lot of calories...

I had a handful of strawberry candy thingies today and too much water. I threw it up immediately. I weighed myself after that. 1.5kg from the first goal weight. Which is still horribly enormous.

I'll be thin though. I promise. I have to be. <3


  1. still reading, but bad at commenting. here for you, in any case. it very brave of you to write about your experiences, kudos. be well dear.

  2. <3 I love your plan. I love that you want to be alive and healthy. If you wanted to shake things up a bit, you should probably add some fiber - I swear, some fiber bars taste AMAZING. lol. They're like guilt-free candy bars.



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