August 24, 2011


Fat. I know. Whatever. I'm not sure if I should be writing this. I'm not sure if I care. It's for my sanity, you see. My psychologist told me to journal. I don't journal. So I'll blog.

I can't comment your blogs. I'm reading on Google Reader. I don't want anyone to see what exactly I'm reading. There's not really any privacy here.

I had Indian food with my friend today. For dinner. Then I went and got a Diet Snapple. 0 cals. Or so they say. I need to be thin. I'm so disgustingly fat right now.

I'm meeting that girl from PT next week I think. I'm nervous. She's gonna think I'm a fatass. I know I'm a fatass.

The enter key is weird. Like, it skips a line but it doesn't? I don't know how to explain it.

Haha I've already thrown up once here. I can do this. I'm just scared they'll smell it on my hands, my breath... that would be horrible.

Oh well. Maybe I'll be thin someday.

I don't have any way of hurting myself (easily) and I don't really want one. That's nice. I think all the walking is helpful. It doesn't give me time to be all depressed and shit. And it just makes me happy to always be doing something. I think college is going to cure me of everything. Except my desire to be thin, of course.

Except there are still those fucking memories.

That needle in my hand. For hours. I'm never ODing again. Not like I can. He asked me why I took something that would only hurt me, not something that would make me high, as I was lying in that hospital bed. He didn't understand. I'd done it before. It made everything go away. I just hadn't taken enough this time. And now I can't do it again because even taking 2 pills to make a headache go away makes me nauseated. It's just hard to swallow. I don't want to be in that kind of pain or be back in a hospital with an IV in my hand.

I said no. I hate him for thinking I meant yes.

I'll try to update soon.

I'm really sorry for not commenting your blogs =( if someone knows how to comment from Google Reader, let me know! <3

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