Okay I'm in desperate need of responses to this... there's too much shit in my head and decisions to be made and I need outside advice on this (which I've already gotten on the coffee thing, but it's never a bad idea to get more, nyeh?)

So. The coffee thing. I could have
a-soy lattes. 220cals for a tall one. Obviously not a very good option. I'll probably avoid this.
b-coffee-flavored er...coffee stuff? It's a Starbucks thing, but it's served cold in a can. Tastes safe but it's 210cals per can. They're big, but still...
c-light vanilla flavored coffee stuff. Same as b, but this is light vanilla and it's 130cals per can. Tastes good, but... 130cals? Is it really necessary?
d-fuck coffee. Vitamin water zero. One of them (the orange one) has 30mg of caffeine. This is the one I'm seriously leaning towards.

I just finished rereading Wasted. It made me want to subsist on a diet of a few Skittles a day. >.< I'm not sure this is healthy. It also made me really happy that I don't have an eating disorder. =)

My friend ("friend", though I would probably like him if I liked guys... he's sweet, except for this ONE THING he does that I'm about to mention... obviously a relationship killer) made me eat pizza last night. Fuck. I felt so sick... Still do. It's so fattening and disgusting. How can ANYONE enjoy it?

Haven't eaten today, just a few sips of that orange vitamin water 0... I feel okay. Actually I'm in a really good mood. It's quite lovely. I feel really pretentious. I also want to read. A lot. Everything I can get my hands on. Which is... a lot.

I think I'm getting better. At least I don't want to stick my fingers down my throat all the time now.

126.2lbs

<3 I love you guys! <3 <3 <3

Weight was taken with soaking wet hair as soon as I got out of the shower. Still a fatass.

So... ahem... I was forced to eat yesterday. It was bad. A bit of mac and cheese (what the FUCK?) and a "vegetarian spring roll". Oh and I had a soy latte before my Chinese class because well... fuck... I felt like pure SHIT from lack of sleep.

Have I mentioned A to you guys? I'll mention A. He's a dick. Actually, no, he's not. But it's easier to say he is. He's really sweet and caring and all. But at the same time, the fact that he doesn't understand what "I LIKE GIRLS, NOT GUYS" means is VERY annoying.

Oh yeah... it's 16:48 and I haven't had anything except a little water today. Can you tell? Haha. Probably not cause I'm still a fucking fatass.

My throat hurts like a bitch from dehydration. Yayyy... I'm working on it! I don't want to be sick. I'm not sick though. Just dehydrated. Easily fixed. Very easily. I slept crazy well last night. It was awesome.


My phone is pms-ing. Yeah. Haha. I need a texting buddy. Just for sanity. I can't stand my friends.

My MU friend has informed me that vitamin water zero? Yeah it actually DOES have all the vitamins and shit it claims to have. Staying healthy should be easier. =D Haha we just went over that last night... but then she was all "your body needs other nutrients to stay alive and healthy though..." and I'm all -grumble angry mutter-.

>.<

Yeah okay I need caffeine. Tea? Almost-0-cal tea? Nyeh? Nothing really has 0 calories. Just very few. Which is still not few enough. Just... better than like 500 FUCKING MILLION of those bitches.

o_O

Haha wow. I'm in a pretty good mood today. Yay sleep!

Those Naked juices freak me out. 300 calories in that bottle? What kind of idiotic sadist came up with that shit?

>.<

Nyehhh

<3

5k + views

Wow. Just wow. Thanks, you guys. =)
I'm sorry I'm a horrible blogger. Current weight? No idea. Current addiction? Caffeine. I'm trying to get over that. I think I'm really fat. (Don't we all?)
My "friend" said I'm a fat pig because I sleep with random guys. Whatever. I didn't cut when he said that. Barely wanted to. (Maybe it was just because he's not worth it.)

No idea what's going on. So I'm going to get more control over that.

Oh yeah. AND NO CAFFEINE. Fuck. I'm not letting myself get addicted to shit.

Does anyone still read this? Haha I know I wouldn't...

If you do, I love you.

If you don't... I love you anyway, though obviously you don't know that cause you don't read.

Ha.

Whatever.

I started writing another story during my psych class today. It's about zombies. No idea. I hate zombies. I like the story. It's... cliche. But fun to write. Nyeh? I'm reading the Ender's Game books again. And Dracula. I read too much. Some of it's for school.

Pretty Little Liars/Gossip Girl books are triggering as hell. I wanna throw up until I bleed. Ha. I'm happy though. I don't wanna hurt myself. See? I'm healthy, happy, a perfect specimen, just like I'm supposed to be.

(Except I'm still fat as hell. That kinda kills the perfection thing.)

<3

124.8lbs/56.6kg

Don't really know what to say... haha my friend was getting water today (from a vending machine) after French class and there were chips and stuff and I was like I REALLY WANT THAT! but I like... didn't? I've had a Starbucks coffee thing today. One of those in a can. 200cals. And too much gum. I have like no classes on Thursday. It's pretty cool. I walked into the room where my friends always hang out yesterday and my friend told me I looked like a zombie. Haha. I'm really tired. Does that make sense? Oh and I'm a fatass. Proof is in the title. Weight was taken today with soaking wet hair right after my shower. I'm sorry about not posting much. I should probably work on that. Lo siento.

I'm staying at the university next time. Apparently I look "great". Apparently I lost weight. I don't want to look good. Especially not to my creepy stepfather. I hate his comments. He's always saying shit like that I look attractive and stuff. Don't they know I want to disappear and never be attractive to anyone in any way? That I don't want to be liked or loved because I don't fucking deserve it?

I'm sitting here on my mom's netbook (my laptop is at school) trying not to cry.

The stepfather is frying eggs for them. It smells disgusting. I want to throw up. I look pregnant from that pasta last night. Why the fuck didn't I come up with a better excuse to not eat it? Fucking fatass.

I don't get why he's always so mean to me. He's always saying I eat too much, I'm too fat, I take up too much space, why the fuck am I here, don't I have my own room to go to?

I want to be back home. At the university. Please, God, let me go home where it's safe, where I can run to the library if I need a sanctuary. Where it's okay if I don't want to hang out with my friends or I'm kind of upset because well, I have a lot of homework, sabes?

Not like that's happened much there. I love it there. I really do. I feel (relatively) sane there.

Oh ick... they're eating. It's so loud and it smells horrible. CHEW CHEW CHEW. Fatasses. How can you guys eat? You're already so big. CHEWMUMBLEAROUNDFOODCHEWSOMEMORECAUSEI'MAFATPIG.
SIPMYSUPERHIGHCALORIECOFFEELIKEAFATASS.
Shit they're so disgusting. I'm sorry.

Haha I'm just typing like a fiend and texting here and kinda watching them eat but not really noticeably. It's just... revolting.

"I feel sorry for her. She's so messed up - physically and mentally" - about my obese friend who came to visit my mom this past weekend. My mom's comment to me was "please don't become so fat... it's scary" Hahaha. I tried not to laugh.

They're done having breakfast. We're going shopping.

-water bottle
-food for dorm (will not be eaten)
-belt
-gum <3

Oh gross. My mom is making soup with meat and my stepdad is like poking at the meat. He keeps yelling at me. Sigh. My stomach hurts. I ate too much last night.

I want to go back home.

Ironic, since most people would consider this home.

Yeah I'm gonna go.

<3 I love you all.

55.7kg

Shit I'm home. My last weight (this morning) is the blog title. Blah. Fatass. I'll gain weight this weekend. I know I will. I'm scared. She's already fed me. Pasta and ice cream and organic tomatoes. Oh shit. I'm staying up and exercising. Every night. Fuck fuck fuck.

I hope I stay sane... Please, God, don't let me gain weight. Please!

Gotta go. I'll try to update more often here. Thank you for your comments <3 Anyone know how to comment on Google Reader?

My scale's at university but my mom has a scale so maybe I could use that? It's in her closet though so I don't know. We'll see.

I love you all <3

56.5kg

Guess I'm less of a fatass now. Though still pretty fucking big.
It's weird. It's like a switch got flipped in my brain. I've gone from "omg I want to eat everything and throw it all up 500 times!" to "holy shit... I hope I don't have to eat until a week from now.."

But I was talking to this girl and she said she has all these health problems now from what she does/did. That scares me. I want to be healthy. So here's my (flexible) plan. Eat every other day. No more than 500 calories. By "eat" I mean one juice (300cals - half for breakfast, half for dinner) and one protein/energy bar of some kind (no more than 200cals, obviously, this will be lunch). The days I don't eat, I don't consume anything. I'll weigh myself every morning that I can (aka roommate isn't awake/is out). Which might not be every morning. I need to be okay with that.

At first I really didn't want to eat. But honestly the health problems thing scares me. I don't want to be sick. I don't know what I want. But it's not sickness.

I had to write about my last suicide attempt for an English paper. It made me happy. Why? Because I'm way past that now. It's like I'm free from that. It feels amazing. The conditions which caused it are completely reversed now. Everything's okay.

The past few nights I've been sleeping with this one guy. (Almost) Platonic, don't worry. I just... I don't know. I don't want to be by myself. I still don't like some of the things in my mind. Like the whole to eat or not to eat debate. I hate that. But at least the voices aren't so hateful now.

Does anyone still read this?

Any advice on the plan? It makes sense to me. I might skip the lunch/food part. Pure liquids seems nice... and that is a lot of calories...

I had a handful of strawberry candy thingies today and too much water. I threw it up immediately. I weighed myself after that. 1.5kg from the first goal weight. Which is still horribly enormous.

I'll be thin though. I promise. I have to be. <3

I think I'll weigh myself once a week. Monday mornings. That should work, right?

Sigh. I don't know.

I'm really sleepy. So are my friends. It's kinda funny. It's also funny how I refer to them for my friends even though I've known them for a week, at most. Woot.

I don't have class until 12:45pm tomorrow, so I'll just stay up later doing homework tonight...yay! Might blog again. I feel like I wanted to say something, but I forget what it was.

It's so cool to have someone here at the university who understands mia =) I mean, it's sad that other people have to deal with it, but at least I don't have to be completely alone...

Can't wait until next week!

58.2kg

Fat. I know. Whatever. I'm not sure if I should be writing this. I'm not sure if I care. It's for my sanity, you see. My psychologist told me to journal. I don't journal. So I'll blog.

I can't comment your blogs. I'm reading on Google Reader. I don't want anyone to see what exactly I'm reading. There's not really any privacy here.

I had Indian food with my friend today. For dinner. Then I went and got a Diet Snapple. 0 cals. Or so they say. I need to be thin. I'm so disgustingly fat right now.

I'm meeting that girl from PT next week I think. I'm nervous. She's gonna think I'm a fatass. I know I'm a fatass.

The enter key is weird. Like, it skips a line but it doesn't? I don't know how to explain it.

Haha I've already thrown up once here. I can do this. I'm just scared they'll smell it on my hands, my breath... that would be horrible.

Oh well. Maybe I'll be thin someday.

I don't have any way of hurting myself (easily) and I don't really want one. That's nice. I think all the walking is helpful. It doesn't give me time to be all depressed and shit. And it just makes me happy to always be doing something. I think college is going to cure me of everything. Except my desire to be thin, of course.

Except there are still those fucking memories.

That needle in my hand. For hours. I'm never ODing again. Not like I can. He asked me why I took something that would only hurt me, not something that would make me high, as I was lying in that hospital bed. He didn't understand. I'd done it before. It made everything go away. I just hadn't taken enough this time. And now I can't do it again because even taking 2 pills to make a headache go away makes me nauseated. It's just hard to swallow. I don't want to be in that kind of pain or be back in a hospital with an IV in my hand.

I said no. I hate him for thinking I meant yes.

I'll try to update soon.

I'm really sorry for not commenting your blogs =( if someone knows how to comment from Google Reader, let me know! <3

Picdrop

See? Mac users like to waste money and they're completely impractical. =)

=D

Fail fail fail >.< ON SO MANY LEVELS.

The first graph I've seen that isn't true...

Moving in to college tomorrow. Scale is coming with me of course. Hopefully my roommate doesn't ask questions... I can hide it under my bed =)

Jenn - Sorry! Blue waffle is freaky O_O

So I'm moving into my dorm on Thursday. I'm not done packing. Not even very close. Sigh. 

I saw Black Swan. Holy fuck.

My phone still doesn't work but I should have one by the end of next week. Texting buddy anyone? =)

I haven't been sleeping well. It's okay. I think I'll sleep better in college.

Feel sick right now and I still need to run to the store.

Peace xx

Commonsense: Perfection:What is it?

Commonsense: Perfection:What is it?

Interesting article =)

9 Scariest Food Facts

9 Scariest Food Facts

Posted on PT, I'm sharing it with you all =)

132.0lbs

Fat cow. Though I suppose the weight might be off since I weighed myself just now and it's...18:43... haha. But still T_T

Today I've had
-1/3rd glass of a protein smoothie thing (mom thinks I don't get enough protein) - purged
-salad (3 leaves Romaine lettuce, shredded, 10 organic cherry(? they're orange) tomatoes, little bit of Italian dressing (50 calories? 100? No idea... there was almost no dressing)
-glass of vanilla almond milk (90 calories)
-too much fucking cereal, dry -purged (fuck knows how many calories remained)
-borsht, half bowl - purged
-glass of raspberry lemonade (well, actually 2, but they were both a half glass of the lemonade, then the rest was water, so calorie-wise, it's a glass of lemonade) -had just before weighing *stupid* (50 calories)

About to go have vegan sushi with mom -_- (I'm having vegan, she's having raw fish), I'll try to purge that obviously XD

So calorie estimate for today is... 100 + 90 + 500 (estimate for cereal) + 90 + 50 = 730? Rounded up for things I didn't know...didn't count stuff that was purged immediately...So, 800 max?

What the fuck.

I thought it was more.

Like thousands.

That's what it feels like.

Listening to The Arcane Dominion by Eluveitie =)

Mom just went to the store. Fuck. She got AlmondDream ice cream, ice cream bites, tofurkey, popcorn, we already have bread... Please don't let me b/p.... T_T Please let there be a god.

I helped my mom cut stuff for the borsht today =) It was fun. I like doing stuff like that. So why do I have to eat that shit after I cut it? But one of the things I cut was beets and my hands were so stained after that =) haha they're washed off now though. Still ^_^

I stole that crossing out thing from another blogger >.< I really like it...

Oh! There's a girl from PT... she goes to the same college I'm going to =) so we traded numbers (I forget if she has mine, but I have hers) and we might meet up on campus ^_^

Beautiful unbeautiful - thank you for your lovely comment =) <3 I'm sorry I can't read your blog =( apparently it has adult comment.

Fuck you, blogger T_T

Gotta say though... this lemonade? It's awesome. 50 calories per glass. But you HAVE to dilute it with water (I do 50% lemonade, 50% water) or else it's disgustingly sweet (I'm guessing... I never drink juice if I haven't mixed it with water first XD) It's called like Tropi50 I think? Something like that. Yummy

Normally I don't like these comics, but this is me when playing Pokemon... -_- LITERALLY

XD

Love you all <3 hope you're doing better than me

130.4lbs/59.1kg

I need to take a shit.

No joke.

Oh God I feel so sick. There's a lawn mower going and those always give me fucking panic attacks. Thank God for loud music. THANK FUCKING GOD FOR IT.

I met this really cute girl last night. =)

My phone died. No, like, completely. The charger port got jammed into the phone so I can't charge it (the charger can't reach the charger port) and the battery died so I'm phone-less T_T


~~~~

I don't get vegetarians.

Why be vegetarian? It doesn't really help animals that much... why not just be vegan? It's the milk/egg producing animals that are horribly abused (though the slaughterhouse animals are also abused) and anyway, dairy is bad for your bones... the animal protein takes the calcium out... Ugh.

Thanks for the comments <3

<3

Yep it's really like that =)

Love this show <3

=P

Oh irony >.< like he can talk

My current desktop background =) I take no credit for this

From the same site. I also take no credit for this

Made me laugh =)

PSA. If someone tells you to eat/drink something, DON'T FUCKING DO IT! <3

=)

I got a hair cut. See the ends? It's so short! I love it <3

Sorry for being ugly T_T

Ummmm I don't know what else to say.

Love you all <3 thank you for reading my blog. Comment me if I'm not following your blog so I can follow it <3 

Top Stories - My Life Is Creepy

Top Stories - My Life Is Creepy

NIMH · Most Teens with Eating Disorders Go Without Treatment

NIMH · Most Teens with Eating Disorders Go Without Treatment

Not a great (barely article) but eh... if you're interested...

Scientists discover snowflake identical to one which fell in 1963 | NewsBiscuit

Scientists discover snowflake identical to one which fell in 1963 | NewsBiscuit

20 Quotes For Getting Through Tough Times : All SWAGGA.com

20 Quotes For Getting Through Tough Times : All SWAGGA.com

PCisms that aren't PC

PCisms that aren't PC