7/11/13

Hmm... I think I might give Game of Thrones a try actually. =3 Haha I've been getting the books from the library >_> Yay for being a poor college student and living 5 minutes from a nice library? =)

Soo I went to goth night last night. Oh my God. ^_^ Haha I was wearing black leggings, a super short denim mini skirt with silver designs on the 4 pockets (2 in front, 2 in back), a tight black tshirt, and black goth-ish boots. And my purple collar. When one of my friends saw me she was like "dayumm" (haha I dunno how to spell it... but you know what I mean?) and her sister gave me a mini-lecture (wtf? I don't even know her sister) on how attractive I looked. And one of my (straight, Christian, preppy o_O, female...) friends said I look sexy and she wished she could look as sexy as me. >_<

Ugh.

Haha.

A few friends played with my collar and this crazy looking gay guy kept giving me hugs and groped my boobs XD He was ridiculously gay though so it was okay. He kept asking me (and anyone else around him) to find him a cute guy to make out with and said he would find me a cute girl. He did but she scared me when she and her (gf? friend? I dunno o_O) like, jumped on me. Not in a bad way, just a very... sexual and open way. >_< Ah man it was fun though! There were two guys dressed up as Mario and Luigi and one guy dressed up as Doctor Who. He had the whole long coat and sonic screwdriver thing. ^_^

Of course I still felt fat as fuck next to all the barely-dressed, gorgeous girls. And guys. Sigh.

Oh well.

Pictures?

 My smoothies back when I put spinach in them. I've decided to start doing tea and unflavored (but still sweetened >_<) almond milk ones now. Just sounds better than these super filling spinach/almond milk ones.

 My portal to Skyrim <3

 And my lovely box of Monster Rehab. Now finished. Sigh. I'm switching to black coffee in the morning though. Much less sweet XD

<3 Sorry for how dark those were btw >_>





Thank you for reading <3

7/9/13

Heehee Frodette <3
I'm too scared to watch Game of Thrones because I'm reading the books and they're quite gory (for me, I hate war stuff) and I heard the show is super sexual... =3 I bet it's violent too. Like, I love medieval stuff and from what I've seen of the show (pictures on Imgur), the actors seem gorgeous... but then I'm like... I'd have to see all the sex and blood too... especially the blood... argh.

I'm still watching Gossip Girl >_> Yay for old shows? Lmao!

My Monster Rehab tastes too sweet this morning. >_< It's kinda worrying me.

And I ran out of spinach last night, so I'll have to figure out something new to do with my smoothie today. Might try tea. Apparently if you blend tea leaves with milk, it turns out good. =) And I do have a delicious tea and almond/coconut milk (60cals/serving), so I think I'll try that. ^_^

<3

7/7/13

Haha yay so nice to know I'm not the only one here who enjoys video games. <3 Thank you for all the lovely comments.

Did I mention that the bf wants to drag me to this goth night thing at a local bar? It's every week, so I mean, it's not some rare special event or something. Sigh. I want to be thin before I go though. So... yay more motivation?

Sigh.

More like more motivation to throw up all the time.

Woooot.

The smoothies are such a lovely green color and so foamy. Oh my god. Haha.

That and Monster Rehab is like, heaven.

<3

Spyro is an adorable purple dragon.

Picture Post 7/5/13

7/5/13

I don't know anymore. Things just don't make sense at all.

Thank God for Skyrim - it's a fabulous distraction from reality. <3

Also the bf got me Ripto's Rage (it's part of the Spyro series - released in 1999 I think for the PS1), which is crazy exciting because that was the first video game I ever played as a kid. =)

Hope you all are doing better than I am. <3

7/3/13

The only reason I use almond milk as opposed to dairy milk is that I'm lactose intolerant >_< Like, yogurt is okay, but milk and cheese are death. XD

Sooo got a new scale battery last night.

Not pretty.

At all.

But it's okay, because I'm working on it.

The strawberry made the almond milk almost too sweet, so I'm skipping the strawberry tonight and just putting in spinach. I think that'll be super good. =)

<3

Picture Post 7/3/13

7/2/13

This was hilarious for a different reason. My scale battery is dead (I hope!) so I have to get a new one today. Sigh.

>_<

Probably a good thing though. It gives me another day to lose a little weight hopefully!

I ended up having nonfat vanilla frozen yogurt for dinner last night. Too much of it. >_<

And my liquid fast is actually super healthy! And not completely liquid... This week, my "smoothies" are going to be half a glass of almond milk (45cals), a strawberry, and 5 leaves of baby spinach. So... healthy ^_^. And cheating, but I'd really like this to be a long-term thing, so yeah....

<3

Picture Post 7/1/13

7/1/13

Happy July!

Ironically enough, my liquid fast is starting today. ^_^ I've had a pink lemonade Monster Rehab so far (20cals - it's one of those big cans) and I'm having a smoothie later. According to myfitnesspal, I should have 1180 more calories today. >_< Yeppp. Totally.

I hope not. O_O

One of my friends wants to get me dinner today though so I'm like... argh I dunno what to say!

>_<

I'll figure it out though. <3

6/28/13

Haha @Sam Lupin - what do you mean "what am I doing"? o_O What was wrong with it?

The bf has given me a cutting knife and said I can go on a liquid fast if I want. Yay!
This isn't as bad as it sounds. He knows we're having relationship problems and I'm used to dealing with things by cutting and while he hates my cutting, he realizes that at the moment, he can't stop me. So he gave me a knife and told me it's my responsibility to keep it sterilized and let him take care of my cuts. I haven't used it yet even though it's sitting on the headboard. =3
It was sweet... I completely flipped out (combination of pms and exhaustion I think) the other night and started crying and shit and he just put me into bed, covered me with my favorite purple blanket, and sat next to me and petted my hair and talked to me until I calmed down <3 I don't deserve him at all.

And the liquid fast thing... I told him I planned to do homemade smoothies (non-dairy milk, vegetable, fruit), Monster Rehab, coffee with creamer/sugar, and tea. Obviously this is not entirely true (creamer/sugar in COFFEE? wtf?) but it made him happy. This will kinda be indefinite, but since I talked to him about it first, he hopefully won't get all pissy at me for not eating his cooking. =3

Also... whoever decided Oreos should be dairy-free was a fucking sadist.

=3

That is all.

Haven't unpacked my scale yet. Too scared to look at the number. >_<

6/26/13 (tmi warning)

I've been having sex with the bf for the past 48 hours almost nonstop. Oh my god. Even when our friend came over and spent the night.

>_<

That's over though. XD

He got me a 12 pack of Monster Rehab minis. <3 So cute!
They're low cal(ish) (Something like 5 or 10 cals per can. 5 I think) and it's an energy drink so... yes =D

Also he got me old ps2 (pre-skylanders) spyro games. Wheee. And I have Skyrim and my new Final Fantasy game and Fable and ahh I'm just surrounded by video games at the moment. =)

Picture of the Baltic Sea that I took while I was in Latvia. ^_^

hey if anyone does that kik thing my username is vampiricshadow. if not i would love texting or emailing buddies since im back in the states now

^_^

Well  my anxiety is through the rough. Like. No joke. I was about to od (on ibuprofen ROFLMAO except I have half a bottle of it and the bottle originally had 24 200mg pills so... hahaha) and my mom was sitting across the table from me and I just gave the bottle to her and she didn't even question it. ^_^ She's awesome sometimes.

Still cut myself though.

With an earring.

>_<

Hahaha. I'm desperate okay...

Also punched myself in the stomach a lot.

But it doesn't hurt so I think I'm okay. ^_^ Haha.

Mom's awesome o_O Surprisingly. Grandma honestly feeds people too much, so we're like conspiring against her to like, eat as few calories as possible. Which is still a hell of a lot more than I would like, but it's much better than the alternative.

Oh and I've been talking to this guy online. He's 27, divorced, has a son. He's also very sweet, likes whipping/biting/clawing/and the idea of me being his pet.
Fuck.
Though really, my DARLING BOYFRIEND shouldn't have slept with that skank.
And he should whip me -_-

I'm sorry for how explicit that got o_O

In my defense I'm listening to a song called La Confession?

>_<

<3

Latvia

Yay there's some internet here! Very little though.

Ugh I made myself throw up here =/ I promised myself I wouldn't because my grandma loves cooking and she prides herself on it. But I can't handle it here. She expects me to eat CHEESE and BREAD and SOUR CREAM and CHOCOLATE. Oh my God.

I met up with a group of people ages like.. 13-25. The guy who was 25 asked me to hang out with him alone the next day (yesterday, June 9). We did. It was fun. Except the part where he kept trying to buy me ice cream/candy and saying I was so thin it looked like the wind would blow me away. I wish. 

Everyone at the party (mentioned above) spoke some English except the 25 year old guy, who spoke Russian. XD It was fun! They were all speaking Latvian and these two guys were translating for me (depending on which smaller group I was with at the time) - one English and one Russian. It was super sweet. =) And everyone was like telling jokes in English and stuff. Apparently they love American memes here haha. Dunno if they're American (grumpy cat?) but ya know... English memes. XD

Yeah...

I keep having to tell myself not to cut or make myself throw up.

My willpower can only handle so much. =/ I'm terrified I'll break.

My grandfather is horrible. He always watches TV ridiculously loudly and yells at my grandmother, who's the sweetest person ever. Ugh.
At least my mom stands up to him haha. And grandma and I go to the kitchen or out to the shops to get away from him. Surprisingly the kitchen is actually quite safe. XD I usually just sit there and drink tea (no sugar of course <3) and help her cut stuff (cheese, vegetables, ya know) while she cooks. She's always cooking o_O Lmao oh well. And she tells me stories about Soviet times and my great-grandma and stuff. =) It's nice.

Hope your summers (or winters!) are going well. <3

Fantasies

Thanks Bella <3

Ugh.

My father said I'm about the size of a hippo. And bigger than a bag of 50 cats, assuming each cat is 10lbs. So... I'm more than 500lbs.

Fuck.

All I want to do is throw up until I fucking die.

But of course I won't because I'm leaving for Latvia tomorrow and I'll get to see my amazingly sweet grandma and I can spend the whole night watching a Death Note movie (on my computer) and reading the two books I got today. <3 And of course playing Pokemon on my DS. Haha. But especially not eating. The flight, including connections, is 15 hours long. So... not long at all for a fast. But much better than eating. <3

Oh and he also asked if I was on the pill (WTF WHY IS IT ANY OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS?) because it looked like I had gained weight.

I really hate my father sometimes. =/

Oh and the best part? He keeps saying he wants to prove that he can be a good father.

But he did just buy me a $180 Android after saying he would only put $150 towards a new phone so... yay? And it actually came out to like $190 after taxes so... haha =3 and the bf is getting me a phone card for it. Oh and he's given me like $80 total for shopping money, not counting the books and shoes he got me. XD I've already spent $60 of it on a video game, underwear (Victoria's Secret <3), and earrings. XD He'll give me more if I want so it's cool. =3

So... I guess he isn't too bad.

I just wish he would stop calling me fat.

Oh and he says I eat too much junk food.

What the fuck.

He never cooks. All his food is pre-made. Frozen/deli stuff. Or greasy take-out. And I'M the one with the unhealthy junk food obsession. He gave me this lecture after I got a Monster Rehab though so maybe he was just pissy that I was drinking a Monster. XD

I dunno..
Blah.

Zombie by the Cranberries is a very addicting song, even though the vocalist absolutely sucks at singing. XD

<3

Love you all.

Thank you for reading my blog. <3

Oh my God. I would love to have sex with this woman <3 Isn't she amazing? She's the lead singer for Lacuna Coil. Ahhhh <3

Blah I think I might be sick. My throat's been really sore the past few days and before that, there was a chick in court who walked by me while she was coughing and she said she had pneumonia. Ahh I'm freaking out so bad. I'm leaving tomorrow >_<

I'll post when I get back.

I hope you all have a lovely 2.5 weeks <3 I'll miss you.

Blah

We went to Baltimore today to visit a retired judge. He's related to me (he's the brother of the father of my stepmom. So like... a stepgreat uncle? I dunno XD). I was with two law clerks and when we walked in he was all "omg I remember you when you were a little kid and we were dancing together at this one party!" and I'm like *die*. XD It was fun though. =3

Um.

I'm leaving for Latvia on Sunday... so yay?

I'm scared. There'll be like no way to keep my intake reasonable there. My grandma loves making people eat. If you claim stomach problems, she'll try to make you eat more because obviously your stomach is upset from not eating enough. Ughh. I love her to pieces but oh my god =3

Also I HATE my father. Legit the only reason I talk to him is because I love the family he married into. But I didn't think it was possible to hate him more. But no. It is. He convinced the people I love most here (and I'm guessing everyone else, but I don't know) that he raised me and my mom was the one who made him leave after he raised me. (Truth: he left before I was born because he was ticked off that my mom wouldn't get an abortion. he had no role in raising me) And apparently my stepgrandma is worried that a mole on my neck is cancerous. And instead of talking to me about it, she talks to him. And he's like "well she's been having some medical problems recently..." and I'm like shut the fuck up it's not her business or yours. The only reason he knows is because I emailed him asking for help with the medical bills because I didn't want my mom to deal with it. He's lucky. He never paid child support. -_-

Sigh.

Anyway.

Happy thoughts!

<3

Picture Post 5/29/13