So I have a new blog... for my English class. Woot. Haha... probably making it on Wordpress. It's supposed to be a "site" about psychological testing on animals. Fuck me.

Oh and I have to meet a friend for dinner tomorrow. Fml.

Sigh.

Both of my biological parents contacted me in the past twelve hours or so...yay. I had ice cream with a friend last night and threw it up and then we spent an hour and a half watching Swedish Meal Time on YouTube. Talk about reverse thinspo...

Neither of my biological parents has contacted me in days. Usually my mom emails me every day. Its strange. Either something happened or theyve finally given up on me like Ive been waiting for them to do since the first time I stuck my fingers down my throat. Haha. Or maybe they found this blog and saw I gained weight and decided theyll talk to me when Im less of a failure. m.gmail.com makes me both depressed and happy. Thin by Grace Bowman is a captivating book. I wish I was a better daughter. I wish I was better.

127.4

So my kindle decided to do a software update during my Chinese class today. Not really sure of what this means. Hope it didnt get a virus...eh probably not. I bped today cause I didnt want to go out to see a movie with my friends. My roommates gone...I think I mentioned this... so Im staying up late and studying. Its nice to know I wont have to worrry about bothering anyone with the light on all night or anything. Haha. Yeah. Dunno. I feel really out of it and I want a smoke but Im too lazy to go out and get smokes. Lame I know. Time to go study I guess. Probably wont weigh .yself tomorrow. Or maybe I will to be a bitch to myself. I need a friend. I need a hug. I need to never be touvhed again. I love Wherever I May Roam by Metallica.

6k page views

Aw thanks you guys <3 I feel loved. On a proper computer now so I can actually type like a real human being... haha sorry about the kindle posts, I was a bit bored this afternoon during my psych class.

Fight Club (the book) is very therapeutic in small doses.

My roommate's leaving this weekend and I want to b/p like a bitch.

I hope I won't.

I can't believe it's Friday ^_^

<3

just noticed i got comments...thank you :) im trying to be careful with the bping but i did it again before this class im in right now...shit. im trying to stop though. really. love you guys xx

wow kindles kinda suck for typing. class is starting. gotta go

126.0. is anyone surprised im this fat? kindle blogging in class ftw

Reading Unbearable Lightness. Wow. I read like 1/5 of it during bio this morning. Supposed to be working on French homework but can't concentrate worth a fuck.

b/p-ed today. Again. Did it last night too.

126.4 this morning

Fat

So I'm wearing a dress today. And leggings and boots. It's making me a bit nervous. Haha I feel like I'm too fat for this.

I'm signed up for the same stats class as a fellow pt-er... not like I go on pt anymore, but the fact that I get to take a class with someone who gets me is... amazing. And I have to take this class asap anyway, so why not take it with someone awesome? =D

So last night I got back to the dorm around 7 and my friend's like "pizza! eat! now!" and she watched me eat 2 pieces. So I went and threw them up. Haha. Then I had a handful of skittles and threw those up while I was taking a shower.

Scale today? 126.6. I'd say that was a success, considering yesterday's weight and all.

I know, I know, probably water weight and shit... (oh crap... literally maybe o_O okay gross, moving on...)

I have Chinese in...30mins. So I'm just killing time. Yay.

But I should go... <3

So I have a French exam today... my weight is probably shit, considering I had 2 exams that I had to study like a bitch for last Friday and my study food? Caffeinated vitamin water zero and sugar. Fuck. But I'm back in control so it's all good. Or it will be. Currently? 128.6. Oh gross.... I almost ate today, but I was like "really? what the fuck will that accomplish? besides making you feel fat and miserable?" so I didn't. That was easy!

Thankfully French exams don't stress me out so I'll just sit there and laugh at the fat chick (who happens to be my friend ;-_- but she's still fat and she apparently does nothing about this, so whatever) who devours a whole container of cookies before class every day and feel all proud of myself for not having eaten all day. Haha.

Oh well. Gotta go do homework and stuff ;-_-

I suspect I might have more time/privacy to comment your blogs within the next few weeks (hopefully!) so.... yay! <3

=3

I think I'm enjoying this freedom, being an adult thing a little too much... my arm is a mess >.< Ah well.

I find it hilarious that on the debriefing sheets for the experiments we have to do for my psych 111 class, they always say "if you need counseling blah blah blah you have 5 free sessions per year" But on the board in the dorm, it says we have 4 free sessions per year... do they give one more to psych students because psych students/majors are crazy? =P Kidding, I know it's probably a typo or something. But still. It made me laugh.

I'm kinda working on the final draft of my English paper that's due today (just fixing up little things, I'm perfectly fine) and I have French in about an hour... oh shit, I'm supposed to bs some notes on the play we're reading... eh I'll go do that when I submit my English paper... I just want to pass my classes really. I don't give a fuck about grades. As long as I attempt homework, I'm happy. Haha.


Sigh.

I threw up again today. I'm in denial about it though. That okay? Haha.

Kariiii <3 Happy birthdayyyy!

Haha I'm so happy right now =3 no idea why

Oh yeah... I don't think I'm eating for the rest of the day today.

No idea what my weight is.

And my period has mysteriously disappeared. No idea why...

Eh whatever. Love you guys <3

18 ^_^

Kari - your birthday's October 27?? That's awesome! Happy birthday! <3

Haha so my mom emailed me asking what I did on my birthday... I gave her the edited story. Duh. I'll give you all the unedited one. =)

So... I stayed up playing Pokemon until midnight. Then at midnight, while my Togepi is destroying a Rattata, my friends are like HAPPY BIRTHDAY and whip out a chocolate cake. And I'm like O..._...O Err... that was a fucked up O_O.

Anway.

So I'm sitting there going aw you guys shouldn't have (oh fuck how do I get out of this?) and shit. Then my friend stumbles in all upset cause she had a fight with her friend. She's like "dude! Vampire! (except she used my real nickname) You're 18 now! Let's go uptown!" and I'm like... kay...  So we do. We get into a bar (yay they checked my id! Haha ;-.-) and then we're like.. okay, it's a bunch of wasted townies.. lame... So we go back to campus and go into the "student center" or whatever. Ya know, every college has one? Yep. They sell fruit by the foot there. We get a box. (one of those = 80cals. Holy fuck.) Talk to a guy in her Russian class. We discuss hot girls while my friend stands there trying to understand how someone could find girls attractive and we laugh at her for not getting it. Then he walks with us back to the dorm. Then my friend calls and we have a cute sleepy conversation about how much we love each other and shit like that. Haha. By then it's like 4am... >_< Oh and sometime during this I had my first legal cigarette. =)

Have I mentioned that I'm an adult? Well, I am. This means I can smoke and get a piercing or a tattoo or my hair dyed without parental consent! Finally...

Hmm...

Yeah it's been a pretty good day. =)

Though.

Uh.

The dick texted me at midnight saying happy birthday. I had no idea who it was cause I didn't have his number in my phone. I wish it had stayed that way. I cried and threw up (nothing) when I found out. I hate him.

I love my friends for distracting me though. =) Everyone was super sweet today ^_^

Just hope my friends believe my excuse that I have so much fucking homework and I couldn't possibly go out for dinner tonight cause ya know... gotta study for Chinese!

<3

So I'm a host student for an overnight college visit thing this school does. Which means I have lunch, dinner, and breakfast with a high school senior. I'm doing this on 3 weekends. Well, I just did it yesterday/this morning, and I'm doing it the first 2 weekends of November. Why do I tell you this? In case it isn't obvious... T_T it's hell! These fat little high schoolers expect me to eat as much as them and while dissecting a pumpkin muffin and some grapes today at breakfast, I realized... I consider eating ANYTHING a binge. What the fuck? I suck at bulimia T_T I've purged like.... 4 times in the past 24 hours? 5? I forget. I have Chinese class soon. In like, 32 minutes. I have to go get a package at the mail center. Wooot. My birthday's on Wednesday. I'll finally be 18! <3

I dunno. I have a writing blog that gets very little love. writingsofamango.blogspot.com It sucks, I'm sorry, but I try... T_T

I do read your blogs... I promise <3 I'm sorry for not commenting T_T

Oh fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I was home this weekend, right? (And let me tell you... it was hell. I'll tell you about it later in this post, or maybe next post, since I'm supposed to be doing psychology homework right now...) And I was using my mom's netbook (it was the weekend, so she had her laptop) and apparently I forgot to switch to the incognito version of Google Chrome and I logged in on my email account and it was this one, the one I blog on, immortalvampiricshadow.... shit shit shit. She emailed me going "you have a weird gmail username..." I made up some shit about a youtube account... hope she believes me ;-;

And my stomach hurts like a bitch cause I keep throwing up. Stupid idea. But it has to be done.

I got Wintergirls last night. Holy fuck it's depressing. I was almost crying by chapter 5 this morning. Which isn't really a good thing, considering this was in the middle of my environmental biology class... I wouldn't have been reading normally, but my DS died about 30 minutes into the class and I had 45 minutes to go and I was falling asleep so I was like, I'll just read.... >.<

Nyeh.

How are you all doing? <3 I miss you guys... =(

My parents are coming up for a day or two the weekend after my birthday. My birthday is the 26th. I'll be 18. Finally.

Falante pelos Mortos

I love this book <3

Translation? Speaker for the Dead.

I would go bi for Ender

I read too much... Hume's philosophy fascinates me. "You have experienced a stone falling to the ground many times, but you've never experienced that a stone will always fall to the ground!" Basically, it's saying you should stop treating life/phenomena as a habit I think... that's what the book said anyway. I think saying that defeats the point of philosophy though.

I want to take more than 20 credit hours next semester. Not officially, since that's not allowed with a lot of ass-kissing I think, but auditing? Yeah I can do that! With a ton of languages... and maybe philosophy? That would be fun! So much work, oops sorry can't eat.

Oh wait. I'm not doing that anymore.

I'm not.

I keep throwing up. Haha. Which implies that I eat. Kinda. I think 15-17% of the times I've thrown up (ever), it's been just for the hell of it, even if I hadn't eaten all day. Nyeh.

It was really weird. Every night, after running around all day on vitamin water zero (the orange one, with caffeine!), I get really sick and shaky, so I eat some chips or noodles or candy that my friends offer, go throw it up, and take a shower and fall asleep. So uh... why the fuck am I getting so sick? Isn't vitamin water supposed to be good for you? Bitches...

Going home this weekend.

I feel like a fat pig.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts. I get to go SHOPPING. Oh joy... Another way to make me feel even fatter!

Shit I gotta stop saying stuff like that.

I wanna stay here though. I love this place...

No se

Yeah it doesn't have an accent. Oh effing well.

Spain in Chinese pinyin is yi ban ya. Minus the tones cause I'm a lazy bitch.

I don't know why I'm blogging.

I hate food. All it does is make me want to throw up and it reminds me that I'm a horrible person.

I need to stop being bitter... I don't really care about my weight anymore. I really don't. I dunno.

Why do I keep crossing out stuff?

This girl called me fat.

Then I saw her stuffing her face with cocoa puffs, nutella on white bread, pepperoni, cheese, crackers, BREAD. Holy shit.

And she calls me fat?

I know I'm a whale but at least I'm working on it!

By sticking my fingers down my throat.

No. No. No. Not doing that anymore. I haven't in like 2 days.

I might take more than 20 credit hours next semester. I hope I do. I need to do something.

I've had a handful of peanut m&m's and a few mouthfuls of vitamin water zero today. I feel so fat. Typical.

Shit. Stop talking about weight.

No one gives a fuck, you fat pig.

你好！

我 叫 Vampire。

I have a new obsession. =) I felt like shit until I started typing in Chinese...hmm... I've found my therapy!

我 是 大学生。我 不 是 美国人。

Tell me if that doesn't show up... T_T I'll be sad if it doesn't cause I'm having fun with this! Man... even my FACEBOOK status is in Chinese! ^_^ Si si si. Okay I'm gonna go do my psych homework and stop playing with languages... >_>

I think I'll read Wintergirls... I've heard good things about that book.

Oh and I'm gonna stop this stupid weight loss thing. Okay? Okay. The nausea and dizziness and self hatred isn't worth it. Happy thoughts happy thoughts and keep sipping my vitamin water zero and not fucking eating.

Quick commet responses (126.2)

I can't do cereal/skim milk, mostly because milk makes me really nervous. Why? I have no idea. I can have it in coffee (as long as I never put it in myself, but like a latte? Yeah that's fine, even though I prefer soy... eh I'm weird, aren't we all?) But... thank you for the responses! Breakfast will be included. Probably the only meal on most days. I don't like distractions from my schoolwork and it's so easy to get caught up in classes and homework and playing Pokemon with friends that I simply don't have time to eat, sabes? Yeah yeah. Haha.

Okay I suck at doing quick responses! Oh yeah... I finally weighed myself without soaking wet hair today. I took a shower last night. Guess who's a fucking fatass?

So should I blog like... every day? Would that make you guys happy? Haha =P

<3

127.6

So I have to go to French class soon. Er.. no, not soon... it's at 2:15 and the building is like, 2 minutes away, if I walk slowly. Haha. It's 1:18 now. I'm just going to read after this.

I've gotten into this horrible habit. My throat always hurts like a bitch when I wake up, so I drink a shitload of water because if I don't, even breathing makes my eyes water. Then I go take a shower. My scale's hidden in my closet (er..."hidden") so while I'm getting dressed in there and my roommate is getting ready, doing whatever the hell she does, I get on the scale with my hair soaking wet. But I only do this on weekdays. On weekends, I wait until my hair is dry to weigh myself. I'm a fucking idiot. So it looks like I gained a ton on Monday even if I didn't. And it looks like I lost a ton on Saturday. Obviously I didn't. Yeah... >.<

There's this debate going through my head. To breakfast or not to breakfast? Drinks are 0 calories. I know of the 100cal Starbucks things, but I can't find them here (maybe in the cafe downstairs? But it's like, WAY out of the way of my first classes, so maybe next semester... it's like, across-campus-out-of-the-way haha) My logic for both sides...

None- freedom, won't royally fuck up the day as soon as it starts (eating = fucking up), won't be as tempted to stick my fingers down my throat every day, etc etc etc
Something small- metabolism boost. Theoretically. Weight loss. Or so they say. If it's the right thing, I probably will be less likely to eat throughout the day. But that is easily done through other means (aka working/reading my butt off and avoiding food/friends) But the metabolism boost thing? Yeah that's tempting. And it's not like I want to be sick or anything. Just thin.

But then the question is... what should I have? And I'll get it when my (now) usual vitamin water zero...

Oh yeah! I've decided. I don't need coffee. The orange vitamin water has caffeine and the lemonade one is really good so...yep. S'all good. ^_^

Okay I should go... people are eating here and stuff. Haha. I'll have breakfast if I find a good safe food for it where I get my vitamin water in the mornings. Good plan? I think it is.

<3 Love you guys! Sorry about how long this post is >.<