April 09, 2013

T_T (Rant/trigger warning. Really stupid rant warning)

Ooo... so apparently Nerds are one of those international foods! Ahaha XD I know a lot of sweets seem to be centered on certain countries. Like the British blogs I used to read, these girls would talk about all these candies and everyone else would be like "huh?" XD

Ugh the boyfriend and I had a horrible fight last night. He got home around 9 (he was at the library after work, the library closes at 8:30, he's usually done there by 7, and it's only a 10 minute ride home, if that) because apparently he was helping some friends out with a relationship fight or something. I dunno. I'm kinda tempted to believe it because it's so easy to check if it's true, I'm sure he wouldn't lie about something that dumb.

But then when he got home, he started ranting at me about how it's horrible that I don't want to have children  (because I plan to get a Ph.D. and pass the bar exam for whatever state I'm in, after law school, so there's no time for children. Also... my God, why would anyone want me to raise a child? O_O) and how we need to break up or I need to change my opinions. And I'm sitting here thinking... you've known me for like 6 or 7 years. In all those years, I have never wanted children, and you are aware of this. Why bring this up now? >_<

And I had been planning to surprise him with sex and a movie (one he wanted to watch) and telling him something I've been keeping secret for a while (because it's so embarrassing). I told him this. I told him that it really hurt that I wanted to do something nice for him (wish, yes, he didn't know about, but still...) and he just came home and had me in tears within 15 minutes. And he got all ticked off at me and was all like, well just tell me the fucking secret already. And of course I said no, because I don't particularly feel like being that vulnerable right now.

So he says, if you love me you'll tell me. And pesters me about it constantly. So I tell him. (The secret? Ugh it's really embarrassing, but it's that I want to be completely controlled by someone. I feel like it's really wrong, so I find it horrifying that it's what I want) And he just starts crying and acting like a little kid and making me feel like a horrible person.

Oh and apparently he had had a really bad day (he kinda had, but in all honesty, it wasn't that bad. He's just dramatic as fuck) and I was making it worse by being all upset and why did I have to be just a fucking bitch. I mean, I hadn't had the greatest day either, but I was still trying to be a good girlfriend. (I almost got run over by a semi on the way home from school and I made myself throw up, which was admittedly my choice, but the thoughts and internal conflict leading up to it weren't exactly fun, you know? Also, now I have this fear that I'm going to start doing that regularly again. Sigh. Sorry off topic) So then he made me feel really guilty for thinking I had a bad day.

By this time it was like midnight and I was exhausted, emotionally and physically, and I was borderline hysterical and I couldn't stop crying and panicking. So what does he do? Puts his hand around my throat to push me again the wall to "get my attention". Though later he pointed out that he actually had his hand on my jaw, so that it wouldn't actually hurt me (it didn't, it just shocked me). But it still freaked me out really bad. Then he made me cuddle him, and by this time I was a crying, shaking wreck, and he was all "I wish you weren't acting so scared of me" WELL DEAR GOD MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE USED YOUR PHYSICAL STRENGTH AGAINST ME LIKE THAT, DIPSHIT.

Point is, we're still together, I feel terrible, and I cut for the first time in a while this morning. Both before and after sleeping. Nothing too serious and I'm SERIOUSLY planning on never doing it again (how many times have I said that? But I really am getting better! Way better! This was the first relapse in ages). Ugh. I don't know. We're signing the lease for our new apartment today. Hopefully. His paycheck doesn't come in until later this week though, so we're kinda broke (not completely, but we don't have enough to pay a pet/security deposit), so hopefully the rental agency will work with us on that. I mean, we've always been good about getting our rent in right on time, and they definitely know that, so that should help.

And if we do end up breaking up, well at least I'll have had some help getting into a nicer apartment.


I refuse to let this get me down. I will be thin and happy and perfect and alone.

Oh did I mention that I decided to go for a Ph.D. in Psychology, a minor in Linguistics, and after the Ph.D., law school? ^_^ This makes me very happy.

On the weight loss/eating front...


Forgot to mention... I'm fasting today! Well, semi-fasting. I'm having some water tonight. 1) I already have dehydration issues. 2) I need water to take my birth control pill. 3) I'm really thirsty and I have no self control. T_T 


  1. Holy shit. Sweetie, that's not good. I know you've been thinking of breaking up with him for a while, and I think it's becoming more important by the day. Please please please, leave him if you can, as soon as you can. That's straight-up assault and it is not okay. I'd hate to think of him hurting you again, or hurting you worse.

    As for fasting, please drink lots of water! It's not that common, or safe, to fast without any fluids. Water won't do your weight loss efforts any harm, and it's like the number one thing your body needs to function (well, maybe apart from air). Most people who fast have juice, broth, or even tea/coffee, and lots and lots of water. Especially if you have prior dehydration issues, please try to take care of your body. It's not a matter of self-control - your body needs water, much more than food, to survive.

    P.S, Nerds are available in Australia. I used to eat them all the time when I was little.

    You're in my thoughts sweetie *hugs* xx

  2. I have to agree with Bella on this one hun, that is assualt and it will surely happen again. I can't tell you to leave your boyfriend, but please do what you need to do in order to be happy and safe.
    Please drink some water! You would normally need at least 8 glasses a day, but it's better to drink even more than that when fasting, or tea if you like tea? Water has no calories, and herbal and fruit teas are around 2 cals a cup.
    Take care and be safe <3
    Alice xx


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