May 02, 2013

Eek sorry for posting so much

I just have all these thoughts and I'm so energetic and fabulous. And after tomorrow, exams will be over. YAY!

I remember the first time I told someone I was a vegetarian. I never told anyone this story.

I was about 9 years old, give or take a year. I was at a friend's house for a sleepover. Her mother had served us some food. I don't remember it except that there was chicken involved. My friend asked me to watch our plates (she had a little dog who would obviously want the chicken) while she went upstairs for something... I think it was forks or drinks... I dunno. When she came back, the dog had taken my piece of chicken because I had been too busy watching hers and looking around the room (the place was a MESS. As a kid, it was terribly exciting because you never knew what you would find. As an adult, I would have been too horrified to set foot in there). I laughed it off and said "it's okay, I'm a vegetarian anyway!" so that she wouldn't have to go get me more food. The idea of that seemed so wrong.

Kinda messed up, isn't it?

I tell everyone else I became a vegetarian at that age because my stepbrothers had convinced me that all meat came from our dog. I have no idea where I came up with this. I mean, they did make me believe crazy stuff (ie there were dead people in our basement or the backyard was a science lab... you know, kid stuff XD), but they never said anything like that. Eh, whatever.

Now back to semi-serious stuff?

La la la.


My thoughts are kind of.. bad though.

Please don't hate me.

Or do.

But if you do hate me, please express it in the form of coming over here and slapping me. So then maybe it will make me stop thinking horrible things and you'll get to get your anger out.

I kind of wish I had an eating disorder. I know, I know... they're horrible and they kill people. I know. I watched my aunt die from anorexia while she was in recovery. She was just too far gone... she'd been doing it for decades and her organs just gave up. She died in her sleep thankfully. Point is, I know they're terrible. I don't see them in that glamorous light that so many others do.

But I still wish I had one.

So then I could justify how freaked out food makes me. How it's so lovely to not eat and so easy to throw it up when I do.

But I'm far too large really. I just weighed myself after drinking a big glass of water. Sure it's evening but I should still never see this weight on the scales. 58.0kg. Disgusting. Better than earlier I suppose.

I wish I could say... I'm not weird. I'm not a failure dieter. I'm sick. I have a mental disorder. Help me.

I don't know why. I guess it just seems far less pathetic to be sick/mental disordered than to be a failure at dieting. You know?

God I'm horrible.

I wouldn't be surprised if I lost followers due to this.

I'm sorry.


I just really needed to get it out.

And maybe someone will read this and write some horrid rant about how stupid I am and how wrong my thoughts are. And that will be what it takes for me to stop thinking like that.



1 comment:

  1. That's not a stupid rant. I actually thought you DID have an eating disorder personally, but that's up to you to define. I also personally think (as someone with an ED) that if someone wishes for one, they most likely HAVE one, or some sort of mental illness.

    Not that I'm calling you insane.

    And sorry for this being an anti-rant that you wanted. I understand where you're coming from...but at the end of the day, like your boyfriend drama, every decision and thought is yours and no rant on the internet will stop it.

    Stay safe, jah?


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