59.2kg

Fuck my life, kay?

First of all, I'd like to apologize for being such a fucking fatass. This will change.

Second of all, I would like to apologize for being a horrible blogger. This will also change.

And because I like reading stuff with pretty pictures, this post will have pretty pictures! Or at least pictures... =3

Thank you SO MUCH for your comments <3 You ladies make me feel alive in the most wonderful way possible.

I went to New York over spring break (last week). I think I like girls...sigh. I'm horribly inexperienced, but I kissed this girl today and...shit it was amazing. Way better than any guy, and I thought I've kissed guys who were amazing kissers.  Nyeh maybe it's just a phase, like this whole throwing up thing is just a phase?

Anyway...picture post! Warning: a LOT of pictures up ahead!

Let's start from the beginning...

I got bored making dinner/salad the other day...this is the result.

Ingredients:
few leaves of lettuce
1 red bell pepper, halved
8 baby carrots
one thingy of broccoli
one apple cut up into 10 pieces

^_^ Yeah I got a little carried away >.< Haha I didn't even eat it... Nyeh I was too full from uh...I'm not sure...water? XD

This is the stuffed animal I sleep with. His name is Togo!

This is me T_T Yeah yeah I'm hideous...moving on!

The award I got at a foreign language competition March 31st! I got first place in French! ^_^

The bottom part of the trophy we got as a team for getting first place...

My new purse! ($33, Forever21)

My ballet flats <3

Looking out over a cafe/bagel place in NYC from the second floor...I don't know why I took this pic...I was just bored...Excuse my fat legs... If you don't believe they're that fat, a later picture will prove it!

My dad's kitty ^_^ Her name's Twinkle and she LOVES to eat.

Views from my hotel window...24th floor! Nyahh I'm scared of heights!

Me..in all my fatness... at Rockefeller Plaza by the Latvia flag (I'm like...1% Latvian XD But the Russian flag was too hard to get to and we were actually on a hunt for NintendoWorld... Yeah sorry it's sideways =3

The Pikachu you see when you enter NintendoWorld!

My new babies in my purse...Pikachu and Mew <3

Just thought the bag they gave me was cool <3

A harpist in Central Park ^_^ I gave her $5 so hopefully she doesn't mind me posting such an obscure pic of her...

More Central Park pics!

A REALLY hard to find bronze turtle! It was (kinda slightly) referenced (well...the building it's next to was...) in the Dark Tower series and it's in TURTLE BAY which is where the ROSE is! Erm...yeah if you read the Dark Tower, you'll get that >.> If not, just move along ^_^

Yep we went to the UN... haha. Oh funny story! There was this really Asian looking chick with her two daughters there while I was taking this next picture and my dad and I were like...kay whatever ooo pretty pic time. And then she started speaking fluent Russian to her kids and we were like... O.o
XD

Another sideways pic...This was in Times Square at night I believe. I was just traumatized by the fact that they had an enormous FarmVille sign T_T

I got a Nintendo DS on Monday! This isn't my baby, but mine looks exactly like this...

And I got a few games for it!

Ah they're so fun! I've been promised Pokemon games by the boy so YES I will get some! Haha.

<3 Over all, it was a fun trip. I managed to survive on...

Starbucks soy lattes

Diet Dr Pepper

^_^ And a few bites of food when my dad got suspicious, but it could have been worse! 

Except then I ate yesterday -_-

But that is being fixed. God knows I threw up enough last night! Ugh my throat's been hurting all day T_T

Love you all <3

Twiggy thinspo

I think I'm in love =)

^_^

Critique this please? If this started a mini-debate of some sort, that would be lovely. I'd like to perfect this thought. No, arguments will not hurt my self-esteem as long as you don't attack me personally, so don't worry ^_^


"The desire to learn is what separates idiots from intelligent people."

130.6

Yeah I've been eating like a fucking fat bitch. Why? Fuck knows. Trust me, it's done. Thankfully I have been throwing up to the point of dizziness every day. Sure, my stomach hurts like a bitch, but who gives a fuck?


Thank you for the comments <3 I really appreciate them a lot. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And thank you to the rude commenter as well. It's great to have more motivation to slice up myself and stick my fingers down my throat! Like I need it XD


So I got an award...and nominated for it by two people. Wow. :3 Thank you <3 Haha

^_^

The Rules:

1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift

2. Share seven things about yourself.

3. Bestow this honor onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers– in no particular order– who are fantastic in some way.

4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.

So.... Thank you, anonymous and Merla! <3 You girls make me feel so loved ^_^

7 things...Hmm...Well I'm not very interesting :3 I'll try!

1. My guilty pleasure is Runescape music. Haha I don't tell anyone, but I LOVE it. It's just so...relaxing. I love the Glacialis stuff <3

2. I don't actually care about my appearance very much. I mean, sure I do the bare minimum like showering every day, brushing my hair and attempting to make it not look like shit, wearing clean clothes, etc. but I don't go out of my way to look pretty (aka no makeup, don't spend much on clothes...)

3. I have an account on HEX. I'm in Hufflepuff. I love my House <3 (HEX (click me! click me!))

4. I get weirded out if a page I'm visiting doesn't have a scroll bar on the right o.O It just really freaks me out XD

5. I like dating stoners because I love how laid back they are, it helps me relax a bit too

6. I actually don't mind school. And it's not just because it's a great, unquestionable excuse to get away from my mother. I actually enjoy some of my classes :3 Don't tell anyone! I'm a senior, I'm not supposed to care!

7. Sometimes I pick fights with people just so they'll say hurtful things and give me an excuse to cut so I don't feel as guilty about it.

10 newly discovered bloggers...Hm. In no particular order...

1. foreveryoung

2. Elly

3. Just Another Ordinary Girl (Thank you so much for the beautiful comment <3)

4. Ana (okay...not newly discovered, but I love her <3)

5. Chubby Girl

6. XxXSecretsXxX

7. PerfectOxymoron

8. Peanut

9. A Girl With Tiny Intentions

10. Sophie

NOW GO ENJOY YOUR AWARDS!

Amber...haha glad I'm not the only one who plays RS <3

So there's this guy my best friend hated. Mostly because this guy liked gay jokes a little too much. He says he's getting better, but...eh. I don't know. This guy, let's call him A (no, his name doesn't start with A. My nickname for him does. Don't worry, it's not asshole!)... well he's been trying to convince me that he loves me. Problem is, he is a jerk...but never to me. I don't know if I should trust him or not. And I feel so guilty because Sariou hated him...It's like I'm betraying him. I'm just so confused...I guess I really just want the attention.

On a happier note...I'm going to NYC for a few days over spring break =) Sadly, it's with my dad =( But I'm making him take me to the Pokemon Center! I'm so excited about that part! If anyone lives around there or is going to be there April 7-10, it would be so cool to meet another blogger. Though I don't think I know of any bloggers who live in the NYC area...Hmm...:3 Well, yeah.. 

This post has gone on long enough. Thank you for being there for me, my lovelies <3

Summon

I can summon these on Runescape now :3 Yeah I'm a nerd...sorry.

My best friend...my love... (in a totally non-sexual way, he's very gay) left last night. His parents are apparently fucking crazy (or at least his dad is) and they left today. With him. And they cut off his phone and internet. So basically, it's like the only person I can trust is dead to me. And I only got 5 minutes to say goodbye to him, through a text. He said he would miss me the most (sigh...I'd hope so, considering we're best friends), that he loves me...he said "goodbye until next time"... I'm praying there'll be a next time. We promised each other we would never forget each other...I just couldn't stop crying, I'm crying now. Somehow I got through school without crying at all, which I'm thankful for.

It just hurts so much. Whenever I smile or laugh about something, I want to go to him or text him and be like "my love! I just heard this and it made me laugh!" or if I'm sad, I could hug him, and when he was sad, I'd be there for him... It's just killing me. It's like...there's this big part of me that's missing. I've never felt like this, even with all my breakups and everything, but I guess that makes sense since I usually broke up with the guy...fuck is this like karma?

I'm scared. It's like...something in me is breaking. I don't even care anymore. Maybe it's like...fucked up senioritis (seniors being lazy as fuck and not giving a damn about school because we're in COLLEGE damnit). My left hand is all cut up on the palm and my right hand has teeth marks from when I threw up this morning before first period.


Ugh sorry about the shit post. I just don't even know...

50 followers. Wow. Thank you, guys. That means a lot, that so many people (maybe?) read what I say...fuck that really does mean a lot. I'm not sure what I would do without this blog...I'm sorry I don't update very often.


I just want to...I don't know. Sleep at least. I do sleep. Normally (for me, which is like 4-6 hours a night)...but I'm way more tired than usual. Like, barely able to keep my eyes open. I don't know what's going on, but I don't really care, because when I slip into my dreamworld, I can pretend he's still with me and everything's okay and his goodbye was just a nightmare....not real.

Fuck I miss my Sariou.

I love him with all my heart and always will.


I'll try to come up with a better post next time. I think I'll weigh myself in lbs...

Quick post

About the reverse thinspo: Yeah she may have a pretty face, but have you seen her body?

B/p-ed today. Threw up 17 times (in a row I mean), but the last 4 or so were just bits of saliva (ugh sorry TMI). Took a bath cause I felt gross and jumped on my scale. 58.6. Fuck. I know I was wet and everything, but still... fuck. I'm that girl in the reverse thinspo thing I posted. Seriously. I'm that fat. Or fatter. I don't even know anymore.

Real reason for this post...

Reverse thinspo

Couldn't resist!

58.5

My weight in kg today. I'm a fatty.

Yesterday- (weight: 58.9)
1/2 cup coffee (nothing added)
12oz diet coke
1/2 glass dark chocolate almond milk

Today-
binge/purge
But I purged... (yeah yeah redundancy... SUCK IT) so maybe it'll be ok <3 I'm not eating anything else today, maybe drinking some water

I'm kinda worried. My stomach hurts like a bitch whenever I purge. Or binge, but mostly purge. I don't care. Better than letting all that food rot inside me. Oh God it hurts though....

I have to drive to piano today. In like, 7 minutes. Fuck... This is not gonna be pretty

I fell asleep in psych today and the fat girl who sits next to me was all like "are you okay??" when I woke up. I just laughed and told her I didn't sleep last night. I did, but not very much. Fell asleep around.. 12:30ish. Woke up around 5:21 and couldn't go back to sleep, got up at 6:30 for school

Wish me luck driving... FUCK my stomach hurts like a bitch

Sorry this is such a depressing post =/

Mini post!

Don't wanna talk really. Liquid fasted yesterday. Ended up having 175 cals =/ (breakdown - 130 from dark chocolate almond milk and 45 from vanilla almond milk). Woke up to 59.5 on the scale. Woot. then I binged today... ugh... whole wheat pasta and red bell pepper/broccoli/onion cooked together in oil (mixed in with the pasta) (It was from last night's dinner) (at least mom can't say I never eat now... she was questioning what I ate yesterday). Almost had a bunch of pistachios/peanuts, but then I was like fuck NO. At least now you still have a chance if you exercise tonight, if you eat more I KNOW you'll gain, so I just stuffed them in a bag and into a coat pocket (never wear/have worn the coat XD) =3 That cheered me up slightly. So I threw up that binge and had half a glass of 7up (55cals) and dark chocolate almond milk (60cals)-spaced out obviously, not mixed together! Lmao. Might have some more 7up later... The sugar helps me concentrate. And then I'll exercise a bit tonight.


Ohh shit this was not a mini-post... I'm sorry!

Here's some thinspo/inspiration. I'm attempting to stop cutting (epically fucking failing... it's almost like eating... lmao. I either don't do it or I do a shitload of it) and now my thighs are covered in bruises (it's not cutting if I'm just punching myself, right?) and my legs/stomach/hips are covered in cuts.. oh how fucking amazing.

Point of the cutting rant: When I was Googling this chick, I saw she was wearing a TWLOHA tshirt! YAY!!! Made me happy =3

She's Dawn Michele from Fireflight. Christian band. I love their song Unbreakable.

And some thinspo/inspiration <3 I think she's gorgeous ^_^

<3

Mais oui, je parle francais!

Doing French club shit today... should probably get dressed for that soon, since my friend is picking me up in less than an hour.

Sigh. Yeah yesterday was shit. I got 2 snow days this week and Monday off, so I only had 2 days of school. However, my parents got yesterday off too so I ended up staying home all day crying and trying not to cut. I did SH a bit, but no cutting... Until this morning when I absolutely had to and I sliced up my leg and now I'm fine... Relatively. Happy that I'm getting out of the house.
My parents are just so loud and mentally invasive and it's like.. leave me the fuck alone...I'm an introvert, I need my goddamn peace and quiet. But I can't even get that at night (which is usually *my* time) because they've decided that the snow means they need to play their movies 500x louder. That or they're going deaf cause they're so goddamn old.

Yeah I'm not in a good mood right now. I'm sorry. I missed you lovely ladies so much <3

I promise I've been reading your blogs... I just don't know what to comment. Night Flower left. I'm gonna miss her =/ Though I'm glad she's found a reason to get out of this poisonous world.

Comments I guess....


Ana, yes I am GhostMango ^_^ Hai <3 <3 <3

Elara, haha god I know I couldn't find anything on her and she's so gorgeous... I was like...whaaa? Why??? D=


So you ladies don't mind the thinspo/food posts?

Thinspo Post!

Promised Post!

Kinda like the promised land... but this one is definitely not flowing with milk and honey!

So for some reason I'm really happy. Well, I mean... I'm getting a 5 day weekend cause we have a snow day today =D And it's pretty outside. And I'm not weighing myself but I am exercising every night so I guess I'm being healthy...

Off topic but this is a lovely song... Fly by We As Human <3
Apparently they're a Christian band... cool!

Sigh... on the food-related side... ugh I don't fucking know. I throw up too much (yeah it's on purpose, don't worry) and now it's like every day my heart does this weird little shit and it's nothing serious but it does worry me cause what if it gets worse?


Oh and I really wanted to share this with you girls/guys... It made me cry, so if you feel a bit...unstable today, then don't look at it... I got the link/info from another blog I was reading.
SERIOUSLY DON'T CLICK THIS IF YOU THINK IT MIGHT TRIGGER YOU OR SOMETHING. IT'S HEART BREAKING.
Link
Yeah that... just something to think about I guess. Is being thin really worth that? She was only 14...


Um yeah... I don't know. I'm just scared that...that happened.

Ugh ok I'm not talking about it cause that would make the whole trigger warning pointless and narg I don't want to be the reason someone gets all messed up.


On the nerdy side... I changed my RS name (contact to the right has been updated!) and I've discovered that I adore RS music... The Glacialis stuff makes me happy ^_^ And it's strangely motivational, or at least mesmerizing...


I'll hopefully have a weight for you guys next post. Estimate: 65kg. Oink oink!


I love you ladies <3 And any guys who read of course ^_^ It's just the ladies who comment.



Ooo and thank you for the tea comments =) <3

Tea

Thank you, Night Flower <3


Ok I'll do a legit post tomorrow, but HOLY SHIT it bothers me when people talk about "chai tea"... is this some English-speaking thing I haven't figured out yet? Cause in Russian, chai is the generic word for tea... so what I hear is "tea tea" and the person thinking they're so damn sophisticated. Er yeah good job you just said the same word in two different languages. Want a fucking medal for that?


Mrg. Someone please enlighten me...

Rant (non-ED)

First of all, thank you for the comments =)

So I'm a little hungover right now so if something I say sounds stupid, err.. that's probably why. Also relapsed and sliced up my hand yesterday...woot... k...


I was thinking this morning...the only difference between animals and humans is that humans are a bunch of fucking liars. Animals' main goals are getting food and reproduction. They don't try to hide that. Humans try to disguise their attempts at achieving these same goals as saying they're looking for "happiness". "EAT THIS BURGER! IT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY! BUY THIS SHIRT! IT WILL MAKE YOUR DAY BETTER!" No.. the food will provide sustenance for you, the shirt might make you more appealing to the opposite gender. Stop fucking lying about it. We pretend we're so much better than animals, but are we really? We're cruel, we kill ourselves (nooo I'm not talking about suicide, I'm talking about wars and shit), we destroy the environment, we ABUSE fucking animals, and then we say we're BETTER than them? That's like an abusive husband/bf saying he's better than his wife/gf because he beats her up all the time!

Ugh.. humanity really pisses me off. I mean, I know there are individuals who fucking own and want to try and change how retarded we are, and I love those people for it, but as a species, we suck.


Yeah I'm gonna go. Gotta take a shower and shit... literally... TMI I'M SORRY... Alcohol is a wonderful diuretic/laxieee.. for me anyway XD I don't know if it's that way for everyone. New Mexican wine though.. fucking delicious

And no, I don't want to know how many calories it was



Feel free to comment... disagree/agree, whatever. No, I will not hate you if you disagree with a good reason

Love you all <3

Be nice to yourselves

Absence...apology

I've just been so out of it and I'm like...meh I don't wanna blog. But then I remembered how annoyed I get when the bloggers I follow don't post in ages so I'm like narrrgggg might as well remind them of how lovely and amazing and loved they all are <3

Comments <3

Georgia (whaaa you don't have a blog link in your name so I can't link you.. I'm sorryyyy =( ), that's good to know =D I hope there's no physics/math stuff on the LSAT either... >.<

NightFlower, thank you <3 Oh and that was a lovely..story? short story? you wrote on your blog =D It was...intense. Like, really artistic and beautiful... Hrm yeah I'm bad with words <3 You're lovely dear

Kari, o.O Teaching physics in the summer? Ouch... I'm sorry... I get drink monotony with water/coffee.. It's like, I want it to taste like something else, but that would add unnecessary calories and it's like... GRRR I don't wanna do that. >.<


So er... I got a new phone =D And if anyone wants to text (US only... I'm sorry T_T)...that would be lovelyyyy ^_^ I wuv my new phone so much... here's a pic! (Taken from Google >.>)

Isn't it beautiful? I think I'm in love with it =)

Weight is probably too high. Ugh. Fuck. I don't know. I went ice skating last night. I used to be really serious about it when I was a kid, but I haven't done it in years... It felt good though. I could still skate better than almost everyone there. And I got to watch all these fat college chicks fall and stuff =D Wonderful reverse thinspo

So D and I are completely over. I'm not too upset about it. I still have my friends. And by the end of it, he was spending all his time getting high with his friends and we never even talked, let along hung out, so it was like...yeah this is over. I'm kinda relieved.


My mom is a fatass. Also wonderful reverse thinspo. When she walks in the kitchen (she's always in the kitchen) I can feel it shaking the house...ugh I need to get some really loud music. My parents are so loud it makes me want to shoot myself.

I've been on a recovery forum for cutting. It's really helped =) I still want to cut like holyfuckingshit, but then I'm like... no, breathe, Vampire, you can do this... So I haven't been hurting myself as much recently =) I'm really happy about that.



Hopefully my next post will be better. No, not hopefully. It WILL be better. Positive thinking!


<3 <3 <3

MASTER

MASTER
MASTER OF PUPPETS

Anyway. Moving on to more important things. Monday's weight: 58.4 Hai my name is Vampire and I'm a fatass!

I just want to tell you all thank you SO FREAKING MUCH for commenting. Oh my God. It seriously made my day, which needed to be made cause I'm home "sick" from school. Aka I'm on my stupid fatass period and too bitchy about it to deal with school.

Er now that I think about it... sorry for posting like 6 times in one day >.<

Elara thank you <3 I'm glad I'm not the only one

NightFlower thank youuu <3 ^_^

A Girl With Tiny Intentions I'm glad you liked it =D I love that pic too, though it kinda reminds me of the Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe <3 But yeah ^_^ It made me happy

Ohh for those of you who don't know... the pic of the anime guy eating a cube of sugar of a spoon... his name is L and he's from the manga/anime called the Deathnote. And yes we DO worship him =D

Amber, thank you for commenting. And don't try to kill yourself again, I love you <3

Peanut she was always really friendly and loving and stuff. She always let me hug her, never tried to hurt another person (though she did kill a few birds and other small animals, but not that often). When we went to pick her out from the private breeder though, she was the only girl - she had a ton of brothers though. But she was the energetic one and her brothers were all like meh.... -.- XD


So nothing particularly interesting has been going on. Um.. my French teacher picked me to go to the university nearby (a university nearby -.- There are at least 3) for this annual foreign language competition. Each school can only bring 8 students for every language, so I was pretty flattered =)

We're not going to talk about my eating cause I'm a fatass, k? Yeah great... Current weight estimate: 500kg. If it's any less than that, I'll be surprised.

Hm. I'm failing physics. I'm not sure I care. Only to the point that it'll piss my mom off and I need to keep her happy. But I told her I thought I wasn't doing very well in that class but that I AM WORKING ON IT. Yeah. Right. Ok. Who cares about angular kinematics and torque? Seriously?

Plan for today is to read blogs and not freeze to death. And play Runescape because I'm an addict =P


So I was wondering... did you guys mind the food post? I'm afraid it might be a trigger for someone... please tell me if it was and I won't do it again or I'll post a warning or something...

I love you <3

HOLY FLYING MONKEYS

I just weighed myself and I'm 59.9kg. Not anywhere NEAR my lowest weight in the past week, but I thought I was like 61 something... omg. THANK GOD.
TMI: And this is even though I didn't even take a decent shit... WOW. Sorryyyy

Greta, the white German Shepherd I used to have

Because I love you

Food!

I take no credit for any of this food. It was all stuff from blogs and stuff... Remember, it's all vegan <3

Thinspo!

Long Post (I'm sorry!)

I'm sorry for not posting for ages... I've been a total fatty and I've been b/p-ing like crazy for days. Sigh. I get 2 snow days in a row at least =) Yesterday and today. There's a crazy blizzard here. Or there was... now it's just snowing. So pretty though =)

So since I don't have much to say, I'll just put a bunch of pics here. Mkay?

Before we get started on this, I'd like to mention that any food pictured is totally vegan. Oh and I'll respond to comments because I LOVE YOU GIRLS SO FREAKING MUCH FOR COMMENTING. Thank you, thank you, thank you <3


NightFlower - thanks =) I think everything's ok now xx I hope your week gets better too. Just seems like you haven't been very happy from your blog =(

Elara - Twilight's Mormon? Aw.. that makes me sad. I know a cute Mormon boy >.< Don't like him, but he's cool...

Amber - of course you can call me Mango ^_^ <3 The Newsboys are a seriously Christian band. According to Wiki, they're from Australia, founded in 1985. Damn they're old! Here's a pic of them...

Haha oh God... Oreos with peanut butter? Damnit! Now I kinda wanna try it. But no.. must not eat...

Kari - <3 Thank you. Your name reminds me of that one chick from Digimon ^_^ Love that show

Georgia - Omg I missed you <3 <3 I'm glad I'm not the only one who weighs 60 =(

Girl With Tiny Intentions - ^_^ Ha. That's all I can say. <3

Peanut - thanks =) They call me Vampire too o.O

JennShaggy - Sorry, I'd rather not say where in Ohio I live. Privacy and all >.<


So I don't know... I feel like I really shouldn't be blogging. I mean, it seems like most girls want to be attractive, want guys to like them (or girls)... And I'm like... meh I really don't want anyone to like me. The idea of sex or even being found attractive by anyone is repulsive. Terrifying. Sigh. But then I don't really want to leave because there are girls who don't seem to care about guys/girls... So confusing. Oh well. Picture time! I need to stop throwing up >.<


You know what? I'm doing a separate post for all the photos >.<

60.4

That's how many kg I weigh. Can you say fucking FATASS? But I'll get it down. I will. Watch me. Ugh fuck I'm so disgustingly fat...

Hm so there's actually a lot to talk about for this post...

small, Whoa o.O I'm never eating almonds again! That's gross.... pistachios it is =)

So... two lovely bloggers gave me an award =)
Night Flower and Amber gave me this...

I guess the rules are write 10 things about yourself and pass it on to 5 people...

10 things... Hm... My life isn't very exciting >.< I'm sorry...

1. My real name is Margarita, though I go by Mango in my real life.

2. I used to have a white German Shepherd until my parents gave her away because they didn't want to take care of her. I might post pictures of her on here later =) She was beautiful.

3. I still secretly like the Newsboys >.> I grew up on them.

4. There are nuts and skittles stashed in my tshirt drawer right now. I won't eat them, but they're there just to hang out and stuff.

5. I text a lot of people that I've never met. I trust them more than I trust the people I know in real life. (This is starting to feel like PostSecret)

6. I used to be blonde until I dyed my hair dark brown a few times. Now I'm dirty blonde. >.<

7. Oreos are my biggest weakness. (But I'm determined to show the who's in charge so I'm having my mom buy them when she goes to the store XD)

8. I bite my lips. A lot. I probably shouldn't, but I seem to need to constantly bite something? I hate it... I'm trying to stop.

9. I love books. All of them except 4. The Twilight books. They're the only books I have mistreated. I threw them into a big trash can during locker clean up day at school one year.

10. I love following vegan food blogs because it's wonderful food porn.

I'm sorry that my 10 things suck so much >.<

So... 5 people to pass this on to!
Sophie, A Girl with Tiny Intentions, Addicted to Thin, Skinny Love, and Elara.


So this week. Sigh. My best friend's bf tried to kill himself and ended up in the hospital. Then my best friend broke up with him cause apparently he doesn't want to date a 14 year old. I think he's being a dick... you don't break up with someone right after they try to kill themselves. And he already has a new guy that he likes... And yes, the new guy likes him too. It pisses me off.
To add to this, my little brother's girlfriend (he's not actually biologically related to me... or adopted... he's just a good friend) also tried to kill herself by ODing. She's also in the hospital. Sigh.

It's been a bad week I guess.

Dylan and I kept fighting because all I was doing was b/p-ing (mostly for the purge... I didn't want the food) during all this and he hates that I do that and... ugh. I think we'll be ok though. I hope we'll be ok. He still says he loves me. =)


To counteract the shittiness of this post, I'm posting pics!

Vampire story cover designed by my friend =) I came up with the title, he came up with the picture. We were bored and it made me smile.

And a lovely picture =) I think it describes the way my mind sometimes is really well. Like there's something physically holding me back from touching food (with the intent of eating it).


And with that, I leave you. Goodbye, my lovely readers <3

5 day weekend

I love how my post titles revolve around school-related stuff, even though I despise that place...

Morrigan, I LOVE YOUR NAME! >.< Anywayyy =) Thanks <3 I think I failed my exams, but it's only 1/5th of the semester grade, so it's ok XD

Skinny Love, yeah I read your blog >.> I'm sorry that you had to cut your fast short =( I know how much that sucks


I haven't really been doing anything exciting. I got a new battery for the scale (MY scale now), so I'll get that in and weigh myself as soon as my parents are gone. I'm so nervous =( I probably weigh like 65kg. Oh... I put my goals to the right > on my blog. In kg cause 30kg is my goal. Have I explained that? It was the weight my aunt was when she died from anorexia, but I think she was way taller than me. It just seems like a nice number (66lbs for those who don't understand kg), though I wouldn't mind going lower.

I epically binged yesterday and I'm paying the price for it today =(
-half a banana -60cals
-bag of skittles (a 1 serving bag) -230cals
-miso -30cals
-17 pistachios -??50cals? Ok just googled it... says 1 pistachio is 4cals, so 68cals
-1 apple -100cals
-rice with fucking FRIED MUSHROOMS AND ONIONS. WTF??? -300cals (estimate)
Total: 788

Wait... what? ...Under 800cals and I could swear it's the worst all day binge ever?
Um
Ok
I don't know what's going on

I also went on a walk yesterday to get gum (and the BATTERYYYY)
-Trident wild blueberry twist (smells like a blueberry muffin!!! So yummy) -3.5cals per piece, 18 pieces per pack
-Trident layers wild strawberry/tangy citrus (haven't opened yet but I'm sure it'll be great cause the other Trident layers one I got was AMAZING!) -4cals per piece, 14 pieces per pack
-Extra Dessert Delights Mint Chocolate Chip (god. Just god. That's all) -5cals per stick, 15 sticks per pack
-EDD Strawberry Shortcake (yummyyy) -5cals per stick, 15 sticks per pack

I feel like I'm turning into a gum connoisseur XD

The walk burned 180-ish cals, according to the interwebz. So... 608 net cals for the day. Not including all the random exercises I did in the evening cause I was upset.

I didn't mention this, but D and I got back together. We were texting last night and he was like "it's me or your weight loss thing, you can't have both" and I picked the weight loss. Then I decided I don't want to live without him, so I was like "I choose you" (POKEMON! I CHOOSE YOU, PIKACHU!) and I decided I'll just lie to him about what I eat and if I exercise and how much I weigh. I hope that'll work.

Hope you all are doing well <3

Exams pt2

Wow. 30 followers. Thank you <3

Elara, thank you =) The reason I was considering OSU is that I like the idea of disappearing. And from what I've heard about MU, it's pretty food-centric too... like all the students there said the food is amazing. I don't really care though. It should be easy to avoid it. What's wrong with the Greek system at MU? They said it like... it's not that big there.

Night Flower thanks <3

Amber 17 is old? >.> Thanks XD

Skinny Love, I can't juice fast because my parents would notice and get pissed at me =/ They freak out so much if I don't eat

The Girl With The Chaotic Mind thanks =)


Well I'm done with exams. Had 2 yesterday and 2 today. Woot. Piano lesson today. Yayyy.... not. Whatever. I don't care.

I had a clementine yesterday and threw it up and haven't eaten since then. And I've been really dizzy. Which is weird, cause I used to fast for days in the summer and I'd just be super happy and everything... Argh. I don't know. Maybe it's the cold and lack of sleep?

My stepdad is downstairs and it sounds like he's snorting coke or something >.> Ugh it's quite annoying.


Hope you all are doing well <3

Exams

Are this week. Ahh!!! I have 4 - French, Sociology, English, and Physics =)

A Girl with Tiny Intentions, they are really yummy =) Trident Layers is god... no joke.

Night Flower, oh my god that story made me laugh XD I haven't tried yelling at mine... maybe I should do that when my parents aren't home to question my sanity...

I'm probably (hopefully!) getting a new battery for my scale this week.

Um.. I had something to say. Oh! Ok, this will probably kill part of my anonymity, but... I got into all the colleges I applied to! Miami University is the dream and I got in and I think I'm going there =D The campus is gorgeous. But I feel like I should visit OSU just in case I realize I want to go to a big school. You know? But yeah =) I'm excited

<3

Fat

I am =)
So I found a scale. But. When I stepped on it. It didn't work. WTF? Am I really that heavy??? It's a digital scale and like I checked for a power switch or something and there was nothing and it wasn't lighting up when I stepped on it... I hope whoever is up there is laughing right now because some good needs to come out of this.

Amber, yay thank you =D The debate isn't really optional though XD Everyone taking sociology has to do it. Blah... Still haven't done any work on mine. Woot.

Night Flower, haha thank you. I hope you have a loveleh year too <3

A Girl with Tiny Intentions, yay I made someone laugh! ^_^ I feel accomplished

I'm in a very grateful, loving mood. No idea why.

I went on a walk today. 2 hours in the freezing fucking cold... But when I got home (with 4 packs of gum and another RS membership card.. yeah I'm a nerd SHUT UP. Gum = trident layer stuff (apple/pineapple), Extra dessert delights in strawberry shortcake and key lime pie, and Orbit watermelon mint (I think.... watermelon mist? Something like that) I love gum =)) and warmed up under a blanket for about an hour with my book (Shadow Puppets by Orson Scott Card) I was really happy =D

No exercise today though =(

Sunday exercise - 340 (each) leg lifts and crunches

Yay look at the fat pig!


Blah blah blah... I have to do a video for history this week. Due Thursday. Fuckkkkk. I'm too fat to be in a video >.<

Meh

Love you
~Vampire

2011

First of all.. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! I hope all of you have a lovely 2011 because you all definitely deserve it =) And no, I don't care if you don't think you do. I say you do and that should be enough =)

This year is my graduation year... the year I turn 18... wow!
Last night was... meh. My stepdad dragged me to this party-ish thing with all these shooters and we ended up using balloons as targets for an airsoft gun. It was actually quite fun =) I can't wait to get back out to the shooting range and shoot a real gun though! Haha. So my stepdad and the guy he gave a ride to got drunk so I got to drive them home... That was fun, especially since I had no idea where I was going and I was depending on 2 drunk guys to tell me how to get home... Woot!

I've been like sleeping all day >.< Ugh. It's horrible. Though to be honest, I didn't get home until like 4am and I stayed up reading for a bit. Also, I barely slept at all the past few nights. So I guess it makes sense.

I did 306 leg lifts and crunches (each, not like total) on Thursday =) Not as good Friday (yesterday)... only 153 each =( and none today... yay I'm a fatty. And I drank last night and had a full cal mountain dew (which I threw up part of on purpose... yep less than 24 hours into the year and I'm already being a stupid bulimic. Why am I not surprised?


Oooo ooo comments! ^_^ Comments make me SO FREAKING HAPPY. You have no idea =) Actually wait.. you bloggers might >.> Haha. Love youuu!

Cee, first of all... that's really cool that you've switched your blog from WP to Blogger o.O How did you do that? O.o *is easily distracted* Also, you're recovering? That's amazing =) I hope you do recover! <3 <3 Good luck <3

unbeautiful, k first of all... you need a new name >.< Cause I hate calling you unbeautiful, cause you totally aren't =) You're gorgeous. Good luck staying cut-free <3 and all your other resolutions. I know you can do it <3

Night Flower, I'm so happy you're back ^_^ I missed you! I am ok-ish (haha), thank you ^_^

<3 Aww I love you girls. You make me feel so cared about ^_^

Haha I sound like an idiot right now, don't I? I'm sorry about that... I'm just so out of it and everything's super surreal. I think it's cause I basically slept all of today.. Haha.

So I have a debate next week for sociology and I haven't done ANY work on it. At all. Hm. I should probably do something about that.


Once again, I hope all of you lovely ladies (and guys) have a wonderful 2011 <3

New Years

I haven't figured out what I'm doing for it yet. The idea of mixing every pill I can find and vodka is tempting though... But I think I should make new years resolutions. I know it's total shit, but I like traditions. Haha. So... new years resolutions

-Get under 100lbs (should be easy... and much easier to know if I achieve it if I get a freaking scale... GAH)
-Stop sticking my fingers down my throat
-Stop falling for guys

3 is a nice number =)

Haha so I've barely been sleeping lately... If anyone's an insomniac and wants a midnight (or 4am XD) texting buddy, comment or email me... immortalvampiricshadow@gmail.com. Or if you just want a texting buddy.


So something... odd has been happening recently. Example: I was exercising last night and I really didn't want to do any more crunches and it was like I was arguing with this voice in my head and eventually I gave in. It was kinda...scary. I always thought I was in control

My stepdad keeps saying he doesn't think I eat =/ Sigh. This means he's happily stuffing food down my throat whenever he sees me. I'm already too fat =/ This is killing me

Sorry about how scattered this post is >.< I just don't really have anything interesting to talk about

Blah

Do any of you have new years resolutions? =)

MD

So I'm in MD. I'm kinda nervous about blogging from here, but I NEED to blog!

Konrad, who are you? o.O

For those who don't know.... The Kindle is Amazon's reader. It's this little device you can read books on. And listen to music and go on the internet, but mostly it's for reading. I already read Fight Club on it and now I'm reading this interesting book called Restricted (Yep it's an ED one). I adore it =D

We're (my stepmom and I, my dad is sulking in his room cause he hates metal) listening to metal... it's calming =) Metallica, Dragonforce, Black Sabbath, Rob Zombie, AC/DC, Aerosmith... the good stuff!

Ugh there's been so much eating recently. And not anywhere enough exercise. We went to the park last night and I was acting like a hyper kid and I ran and it felt so perfect, so right... I love running =)

I got a cute new black coat from Guess for Christmas. And a pile of money haha. Um... yeah XD Rest of the stuff isn't worth mentioning.

Sigh.

I miss my computer! I'm on a Mac! The horror O.O

<3

Love, Vampire

kindle

I can blog from this baby. Fuck yeah.
Vampire is happy.

Miss you lovely ladies <3

Tortured bliss

Fuck if I know what I'm talking about.

I can feel myself gaining and I hate myself for it. My mom's leaving tomorrow before I get home from school. She's going to Russia for 2 weeks. So it'll just be my stepdad and me here. I hope he doesn't make me eat. He probably won't, but who knows?

chaotic beauty <3

unbeautiful haha thank you that made me smile =) And yeah, I love killing hill and ice giants on Runescape ^_^ Hill giants are like level 28, so great for ranging.. *nerd*

Thank you for the comments, ladies =) I really appreciate it.

My stepsiblings are coming over today (any minute actually) and my mom expects me to eat with them... Sigh. I'll just tell her I had a big breakfast or something.


I've kind of... forgotten about D. No, not forgotten. Just like... my mind has, if that makes sense? All that matters now is losing weight, exercising, avoiding food, GETTING TO A FUCKING SCALE.... Who has time for boys?

He keeps trying to get back with me and he's being really persistent, but I don't have time for boys. I'm too fat to be in a relationship.


I keep reading on blogs/PT (yeah I'm back on PT! Though I might leave... ugh... whatever, not the point) that like... girls want to keep their boobs and butt and stuff even when they lose weight. Because they want to be attractive to guys.

Am I just fucked up cause I don't want to seem attractive to guys at all? I just want to disappear from their sight... from everyone... I don't deserve to live, to breathe, to consume anything. I'm too fat, disgusting, stupid, pathetic, ugly.... I could go on for ages.


Though I'm sure you girls don't read my blog to hear be bitching about life (not really sure why you read it... but hey, I have followers! YAY!) so I'm just gonna stop here...

<3

Numb (I feel so numb...)

unbeautiful.. the pills thing is more for legal reasons than anything else. >.< Temptation's always there and I can quite easily hurt myself without anything besides my nails. And I'm not laughing about your names ^_^ Well... not to your face anyway =P

D and I are over. Sigh. Ah well. Whatever. I'll find someone else. Or just be alone. I have a bag of almonds in my room. Not really sure how that happened... I keep forgetting stuff. I'll be somewhere and I'll have no memory of getting there. I had my calc exam yesterday. Hahaha. It was a fucking joke. I don't know shit.

Mom's still on this eating thing with me. I think that's how the almonds got here.

I really thought he was the one. I can't believe it's over... completely over... Is it really over?

But it is. He keeps saying he knew he would lose me, he wants me back and he'll do anything... but it can never happen. No matter what.

I'm sorry for being so fucking emo =/

Until It Sleeps (S&M) by Metallica is fucking amazing

J'aimerais tellement

I don't know.

Comments make me happy =)

Jenn and unbeautiful, yeah we can be friends on RS ^_^ My name's UndeadMango... Don't laugh -.- I'm probably changing it soon anyway XD And yeah... just for the record, it really is worth paying if you play a lot, cause the members only skills/quests freaking OWN. You have no idea!

Iris, thank you ^_^ I did enjoy mine! This is my last year of snow days... college next year =( Ahh...

I broke a nail today >.< It was all bloody and gross.

So... D has said I should blog about him. And since I love him to death (shut up shut up shut up he's not like the other guys I know he's not... he's perfect) I decided I'll do that ^_^ Hmm... what about him though? Besides how adorable and sweet and loving and perfect he is... Haha. I'm sure you lovely readers would get bored reading that. Though for the record, I've never blogged that about ANYONE else.

Hmm

Calc final is tomorrow. I'm going to fail and I don't give a fuck as long as it's not a WF.

I'm fat. That's about all I know about my weight. Sigh. I got more pills. They're tempting, but D is more tempting so I'll stay away from them for now =)

I'm thinking I shouldn't carry them in my purse (at school) though... Could get in trouble. Not like they search our stuff, and they definitely wouldn't search mine cause I'm a perfect student, but ya know...

XD

Ugh my English teacher is being a creeper. He remembers everything I say... It scares me =/

And on that note...

They Always Come Back by I Am Ghost <3

I love you and D <3

Byes! <3 <3

-Vampire

Snow Day

The plan for today (Yay I have a plan!)
-Clean (to make the parents happeh and give me something to do)
-Runescape cause I'm a nerd
-Reading
-Sprite Zero (have I mentioned my love for this? IT'S SO FUCKING AMAZING!)

Hmm.... I think that's it =)

Elara, Runescape isn't free for me XD I pay for a membership cause... well, it's 100x better with a membership!

Thank you for the kind comments, Elara and Sophie <3

So I've been thinking... people binge when they don't get enough sleep (at least, I'm sure that's at least one major cause of it), so instead of stuffing calories down your throat, why can't you just take some sleep meds (NOT OVERDOSE!) and sleep? It's good for you and most of us probably don't get enough sleep anyway... Yeah this is probably pathetically obvious but you chose to read my blog so now you have to deal with my stupidity ^_^ Or I suppose you could leave, but that would make me sad =(

I'm currently listening to Soldiers of the Wasteland by Dragonforce =) I love it


And I want to say this to anyone who comments my blog... I will follow your blog if you comment mine (and actually read it, obviously XD) unless you don't know how to capitalize, spell reasonably well (everyone, including me, makes mistakes sometimes...), or use proper punctuation and grammar. So if your blog is "hai todai i eated a pice offf stoof" then I'm really not going to waste my time deciphering it... XD I just wanted to say that. In case someone gets offended that I'm not following them. But I think I do follow most of my (few >.< But very much loved and appreciated!) commenters...

Love all of you lovely ladies! (And any guys who read this too, of course ^_^)

Plan

What's that? Haha. I don't really plan anymore. I'm too busy not knowing what I'm doing to plan.

Iris, no I haven't read Duma Key... but I'll definitely get it with my lunch money when I go to the airport! Thanks! ^_^

Night Flower, first... I MISS YOU ALREADY <3 <3 <3 Sigh... truth about the toes thing XD That's what warm socks/boots are for ^_^

dearestana, miss you <3 You should blog more ^_^ And so true about them never being small enough =/

Current weight: 500kg

Calc ended last week. I just have an exam this Friday.

This one teacher at my school died last Friday. It's kinda... scary. She was really, really fat. 30 years old. And by fat, I mean like her back was enormous and like there was a hump of fat... If that makes sense? Definitely morbidly obese. And she died during an operation cause of like a blood clot they think. I don't really know how to react. I didn't know her, but I saw her in the halls a lot. My teachers are really upset about it though.

I'm just going to go play Runescape and forget anything happened.

Current background:

Switch

Iris, yeah Stephen King is awesome <3 Haha. The book Insomnia's pretty good....

Elara, hey =D Thank you for the comment! That was really sweet =) Your blog looks nice, I think I'll follow it =)

Night Flower, haha we have had snow! Friday morning it was so pretty! I always leave a little before 7 (ok, now that I think about it, it's actually 6:45am....) and when I was outside the sky was this like.. velvety dark blue and there were snowflakes just drifting down. It was so beautiful and peaceful. Well, it looked peaceful, since I had my Metallica turned up really loud.... Haha. Yeah I adore snow <3


So I've decided to weigh myself in kg next time I get to a scale. Why? Because my goal weight (30kg) is in kg.... Er, ok, that's kinda obvious from the parentheses... I swear I'm not trying to insult your intelligence! I'm just having a stupid moment.

Hmm nothing exciting really. I have far too much homework and exams... Ugh. 2 more weeks until I go to Maryland! I'm not sure if I should be excited or not...

Ugh. I feel so fat. I probably weigh like 5000kg. Yep.

<3